The Ballad of Magic Man
by The Great Allie
Summary: The day after "Sons of Mars," Magic Man sets out on another adventure. But he can't run away from his misdeeds forever. When his new (and unwanted) partner tells him of the place where he can have any one wish come true, Magic Man sets out on the adventure of a lifetime- but in order to reach his goal, he may have to start caring about someone other than himself.
1. Memories Drift In and Out of My Mind

He dreamed about the time they spent together.

How he loved to make Margles laugh. That was what he used his magic for when she was around. In his dream he was far in the past, over two hundred years ago, when he and she would steal away together to the precipice overlooking Martian City so they could be alone.

"Margles, my dear," he said, "would you like to see some magic?"

Margles squealed happily. He could hear it now just as clearly as he could back then. "I always love to see your magic, Magic Man!"

Magic Man took his hat off and held it in front of him. He waved his magic fingers over the hat as he said, "Watch closely. I'm going to pull a rabbit..." Then he lunged forward and shoved his magic arm deep into her ear cavity. "Out of your ear!" She shrieked and laughed as he did, and he pulled out a large, fluffy white rabbit. Both Margles and the Rabbit were unharmed. Then he put his hand into his hat and pulled out a penny. "And this is for you."

She took the penny and held it tight in her fist.

"Actually, I had something else... I wrote a song for you."

"Really? A song? For me?"

Magic Man picked up the rabbit and, with a wave of his hand, turned the rabbit into a furry ukulele. Then he strummed it and sang:

_Margles, you're the magic_  
_I've been dreaming of_  
_Oh, Margles, you've got magic, too_  
_The magic of love_  
_Oh, Margles, you're the sweetest girl_  
_That I've ever seen_  
_So do you think we could get_  
_To tier 15?_

At the end of his song he tossed the ukulele up in the air and it exploded into a batch of fireworks that spelled out I LOVE YOU.

"I love you too, Magic Man."

They snuggled there in silence for a while, enjoying the view and each other's company.

"So, how about Tier 7?" Magic Man asked after a time.

"We have plenty of time for that."

Of course neither of them could have known that wasn't true.

* * *

Magic Man woke up with his head still throbbing, laying in a puddle of cold water. He remembered the day before only vaguely; Magic Man had a habit of not paying attention enough to form long-term memories about things that weren't fun. Yesterday hadn't been any fun at all. It started with him finding out his brothers were coming back to make him stand trial for his crimes and it ended with him getting punched all the way from Mars.

That was the source of his pain. Finn and Jake had left shortly after freeing Tiny Manticore (who had never once thanked Magic Man for his new size) and Magic Man had dragged himself up to make some magic ice for his magic migraine.

He opened his eyes a sliver, and the dim morning light was enough to blind him. The knot on the back of his head throbbed painfully. It was a while before he tried again.

He was staring at Margles.

Magic Man reached out and touched the picture, his finger separated from the image of the woman he loved by just a thin layer of glass.

Magic Man rarely returned to his trash palace these days. There was really nothing he needed or wanted here, and he was much happier spending his time wandering all over Ooo, doing magical "favors" for unsuspecting folks. You could get farther if you didn't have to turn around and go back halfway through the day.

Moving around was easier. It made it easier to not think about why he was here.

After the day before, he didn't want to think about anything but himself. He couldn't stay in this dirt barn any longer. Head still pounding, Magic Man sat up and grabbed his pack.

_"Magic Man, what is your deal for real?"_

_"You tell me."_

_The boy had looked around to think. "Well, for one... I think this house is a reflection of your sick brain." He took the picture off the wall. The glass was so coated with grime that you couldn't see what the picture was, and the kid used his sleeve to wipe it off while he continued: "Look at this. Yuck. Who's this you're standing with in this picture?"_

_Magic Man was far beyond caring about anything: about his past, about his predicament, about the people he'd wronged. "Memories drift in and out of my mind, and the little people get left behind!" he sang._

_The kid just looked at him, then tossed the picture into the dirt. "All right."_

_Then he continued digging through the trash, looking for the Martian machine that would help him rescue his friend. Someone he cared about. He was about to lose someone he cared about._

_Magic Man wasn't watching the kid. He was looking at the picture of Margles. He felt a pang of empathy, though he didn't recognize it for what it was._

_"It's downstairs."_

Downstairs. Magic Man picked up the picture of him and Margles and tucked it into his backpack. Then he went through the still-opened door to the basement, jumping down and landing on a soft heap of dirt. There was his Martian Transporter, given to him by his brothers. All this time he figured it didn't work.

Without really thinking about it, Magic Man stood on the transporter. "You're just supposed to think stuff about people, and it works," he said, remembering Grob Gob Glob Grod's instructions, the last thing he said before leaving Magic Man in Ooo. Magic Man took hold of the bars and began to think.

He thought about his brothers. He was still sort of mad at them. After all, he was just having a good time. Why was it his fault everyone else was so pissed off? Even with the hair thing. It's not like they had much hair to begin with. If they grew more than just a mop top, then Grod couldn't see anything. And it's not like he didn't lose his hair, too. You didn't see Magic Man complaining that he didn't have any hair left on his weird head and had to wear a dorky hat to cover it up.

Ugh. Enough thinking about his brothers. What about the King of Mars? Pretty okay guy, up until he ganged up against Magic Man with Grob Gob Glob Grod. He didn't know the King of Mars as well as his brothers did.

How about that kid? The one who got the transporter to work. He told Magic Man his name when they were en route to his house, but of course Magic Man wasn't paying attention. Magic Man actually sort of liked that kid, though. He was the only one who got Magic Man's magical life lesson about not helping jerks. He was a pretty cool kid, if you overlooked the fact that he wanted to be a hero. I mean, why bother?

For a moment, he thought about Margles, and then decided he didn't want to think about Margles.

The transporter stayed silent.

Magic Man took his hands off the bars. The transporter's power probably fizzled in and out, he decided. After all, it was a pretty long way from Mars. No point in hanging around here waiting for a bunked transporter to work again. Magic Man checked his pack, slung it over his shoulder, pulled his tattered brown blanket over his shoulders, and set off.


	2. Magic Man Wanders

I Got Rhythm- 1930  
Music by George Gershwin  
Lyrics by Ira Gershwin

* * *

It was a peaceful, sunny day in the Land of Ooo, and Magic Man didn't have a care in the world. He was strolling through the fields, no particular destination in mind, throwing all his worries to the wind. His heart was filled with a joyful song:

_I've got magic, I've got magic_  
_I've got magic, who could ask for anything more?_  
_I've got... magic, I've got magic..._

"Hm," he said to himself. "It doesn't really seem to work if I don't have at least six things to fit into the song." So he swung his pack down in front of him and started pawing through it... "Let's see...

_I've got sugar, I've got black mold_  
_I've got magic, who could ask for anything more?_

"Yeah! That works!" He put his backpack back on and continued on his way.

_I've got sunshine right in my eyes_  
_I've got magic, who could ask for anything more?_

_Old Man Trouble? I don't mind him_  
_That's cause I'm him to these jerks_

_I've got good thoughts, I've got-_

Magic Man came upon a rushing river, and he stopped. He analyzed his surroundings. The river was pretty wide, and a little ways upstream there was a bridge with a pair of glowing eyes under it. On the far side of the river was a thick forest. He put his hands on his hips and thought about where he should go next.

"Ring ring."

Magic Man looked around and saw a bush with a face looking at him. They stared blankly at each other for a little bit.

"Hello, dummy police? Yes, there's a strange dummy lurking around my house... Okay, yes. Thank you. Goodbye."

"You talk too much, Talking Bush," said Magic Man.

"You can't cross that river, stupid," said the talking bush.

"Of course I can," said Magic Man. "Wazoo!" And he waved his magic fingers and turned the bush into an arched bridge. He danced up the steps on one side, over the rushing acid river, and down the other. "Magic Man~!"

He went into the woods, looking for more magic to do.

After the woods was a field with a road through it. Magic Man took the road and traveled that way for a long time, but he didn't come across anyone else. There were often long spans in his wanderings when he didn't come across anyone or anything interesting. But when he did find something, that made it all worthwhile.

Later in the day he came across a lively village. You know, in the sense that the village was alive. Tiny house people were milling about, just trying to get along with their lives when Magic Man came upon them. Town Hall was the first to spot him and approach him. The Bank followed Town Hall.

"Welcome to House Town," said Town Hall. "I'm the mayor here, and also the city board, so let me know if you need anything."

"Stay as long as you like," said the Bank. "Spend lots of money. Tourism is one of our best sources of income."

As if Magic Man ever had any money. "Got any food?" he asked.

"We have a restaurant. She's over by the lake." Town Hall pointed her out. Magic Man looked and saw her sitting on the shore of a lake, splashing at her reflection in the water. A small patio was following her around. Without paying any mind to Town Hall and the Bank, Magic Man went to the Restaurant.

"Oh, hello," the Restaurant said in a wispy voice as Magic Man approached. "Are you here for the daily special?"

"Why, what's the daily special today?"

"It's a delicious glazed salmon on a plate of greens."

"Sounds totally repulsive."

The Restaurant looked hurt.

Magic Man took off his blanket and spread it on the grass, then sat down. "Well, bring me some. I'm starving."

The Restaurant turned around and started working on his meal. Magic Man lay down on his back, arms folded behind his head, and watched the clouds. He enjoyed doing that when he was tired. Cloud watching was something they didn't really have on Mars. Not like you could see them on the eternally inky sky, anyway. If there were, he probably would have enjoyed watching it with Margles-

Magic Man sat up. Enough with the memories! He hadn't thought about it in centuries, and suddenly everything comes running back to smack him upside the head. What was everyone's deal all of a sudden?

The Restaurant came back. "Bon appétit," she said cheerfully, handing him his food. Magic Man took it and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth, plate and all, then proceeded to completely chew and swallow it all in one go. When he finished, wiping his mouth, he noticed the Restaurant staring at him expectantly.

He chuckled and said, in his deep, raspy beggar voice, "I suppose you're wantin' to get paid now, huh?"

"I can bring you your check whenever you're ready," she replied politely.

"Yeah... I could give you boring old money." He took the pouch off his thigh and pretended to root through it... "but you know... I could also do you a favor." He looked her right in the eye. "A _magical_favor. You see, I'm not really just a traveler. I'm actually a..." He didn't have his blanket on to dramatically throw off, but he did send sparks and confetti flying in every direction as he sang, "Magic Maaaan~!"

The Restaurant gasped in surprise. Several nearby housies saw the display and came rushing over, and soon Magic Man was at the center of the town.

"Are you really a Magic Man?" one of the houses asked. Magic Man booped him in the nose, sparking out a few more pieces of confetti. The house opened his eyes wide in amazement. "Why yes I am!" said Magic Man cheerfully.

"What can you do for me?" asked the Restaurant.

"Well since you're such a friendly, happy town, I think I'll do something for all of you!" Magic Man clapped his hands together. No one noticed the sinister edge to his smile as he thought of the best thing to do with this village of happy, smiley talking houses.

Hmm... house... house people... house _people_... a village of tiny house people... without actually people in it... Magic Man brainstormed until he hit upon the right combination of words that sparked a full-blown idea. He stood up and spread his arms. "House People!" he announced in a magically loud booming voice so all the housies could hear. "I am going to give you all what every town needs: inhabitants!"

The house people were confused.

"Magic!" A puff of colorful smoke exploded out of Magic Man's hands and all around the house people. They were confused, and when the smoke cleared, they found themselves rooted to the ground like... like a common building!

"What have you done, Magic Man?" cried Town Hall.

"Every good town needs a firm foundation!" said Magic Man cheerfully. "Don't want your new residents to get lost. And now... _wazoo_!" He made another colorful burst of smoke. Everything was still for a second after the smoke cleared... then the spiders came. Hundreds of tiny spiders pouring out of every door and window in the town.

The house people began to panic, flailing their arms and trying to run away, but they were firmly attached to the ground. Shrieks of terror rose up from the ground and all over the valley as Magic Man surveyed his handiwork.

"It's because they're just the right size for tiny buildings like you," he explained to a house next to him. The house was screaming too loudly to hear Magic Man. "You're welcome!"

Magic Man picked up his blanket, shook the spiders off, and danced away merrily. He was just about to open a portal to make his final exit from the village when he was suddenly grabbed around the neck. "Oof!"

Donny the grass ogre got Magic Man in a chokehold. "Hey!" he said angrily. "What are you doing with the housies?"

"Just repaying their kindness," Magic Man wheezed.

Donny tightened his hold, cutting off most of Magic Man's airway. "Now how am I supposed to have fun with them? They're all stuck in the ground! They can't run around when I shoot chicken eggs at them!"

Magic Man twiddled his fingers, but found that the flow of magic juice had been cut off with his breath. He made a gaspy little noise in response.

"You're a real jerk. Not like me. I actually _think_about how my actions affect other people. Jake the Dog taught me that. Like if before you put buildings in the ground, you have to put yourself in the ground first."

Now Magic Man's field of vision started to get cloudy around the edges. He banged his fist weakly against Donny's arm.

"Here, let me show you," said Donny, oblivious. He released his grip all at once, sending Magic Man tumbling to the ground, gasping and sucking up all the air he could. As Magic Man caught his breath, Donny did his little song and dance: "_Empathy, empathy, put yourself in the place of me~!_"

Magic Man opened up his portal and jumped through, leaving Donny singing in the field.

When Donny finished his song, he looked around and saw Magic Man was gone. "Why doesn't anyone pay attention to my songs?! Everyone else is such a jerk!" Donny went off to pout, stomping on the spiders to make himself feel better.

* * *

Thanks to Donny, Magic Man's juice was all out of alignment. He reappeared far away, way up in the air instead of on the ground. Thankfully, everything below him was soft: the buildings, the roads, even the people. So he didn't try too terribly hard to aim himself.

_**WHAM!**_

Magic Man landed, shoulder-first, in the only non-soft part of the entire village.

"Eeeee!" The townspeople shrieked.

Magic Man sat up. A crowd of soft people had been dancing around their pile of gold right before he came crashing down on it. Now they were too scared to move, they just stood there and trembled terribly.

"I'm gonna go wee-wee!" a yellow one cried, right before blue wee-wee flew out of his armpits.

Magic Man grabbed his aching left shoulder, braced himself, and popped it back into place.

"Eew," said a pink soft person who was watching. "That's so gross, it's kind of scary! I'm gonna go wee-wee, too!" And he did.

"Hey, it's okay," said Magic Man, standing up. "I'm not scary."

"You're not a horrible monster?" another soft person asked.

"No, no. I'm not a monster. I'm a... _Magic Maaan!~_Wazoo!" And he created a huge explosion of smoke, confetti, and magic.

"Eee! Too loud!" The soft people cried, and then they all went wee-wee because loud noises are scary.

"Oh, you don't like loud noises?" Magic Man asked, putting as much concern as he could in his voice.

"No, they're too scary," said a soft person.

"And when we get too scared, we go wee-wee," another one added.

"Okay..." Magic Man whispered. "Then I guess I won't..._ MAKE ANYYYY~_!" And he produced another colorful magic explosion all over the Village of Soft People, causing every resident to go wee-wee in the streets.

"I'm so scared I'm all out of wee-wee," one said weakly. His soft body was sort of crusty and shriveled up, so out of wee-wee was he.

Magic Man laughed. "That's adorable," he said. Then he propelled himself into the air, "Wazoo!" and was gone, frightening the now very confused soft people one more time.

The wee-wee would remain in the streets for weeks, as the soft people were too terrified to leave their houses for almost a month after his surprise visit.


	3. A New Companion

You can only watch soft people go wee-wee so many times before it starts to get a little played out. When Magic Man left them behind, he pushed them right out of his thoughts. He was always moving forward.

Far away from the Soft People, the House People, and his dirt home, Magic Man happened upon a tiny village, only about waist-high. He almost stepped on it, but stopped before he got too close. It looked like it had been recently deserted. The streets and buildings were in no state of disrepair, but there was no sign of life. Magic Man tapped the nearest building to see if it was another town of house people, but got no response.

"That's funny," he said, "I don't remember shrinking any villages... so where are all the tiny people?" And he shot out some confetti to punctuate himself.

Magic Man put his hands behind his back and started to stroll through the tiny streets, whistling casually. There was just enough room for him to walk down without stepping on any tiny curbs or parking meters, so he wouldn't hurt his feet. The buildings made him think of tiny doll houses, though he didn't have a particular one in mind. Anyway, the town was unusual, sure, but uninteresting. Once you've seen it, there's nothing left to do. Magic Man decided to move on.

_**Thump. Thump. Thump.**_

Magic Man turned around and found himself face-to-face with some sort of dragon-like beast. It stood six feet tall on four legs, its scales shining a malevolent blood red. It had two horns slicked back, a row of spikes down his spine, and glinting sharp claws on all of his feet. It swished its tail, showing him the hook at the end it could use to tear him open belly to neck.

The dragon roared. No surprises here, but it had four rows of murderously sharp teeth.

Magic Man was unimpressed. He simply waved his hand and turned the dragon into a huge glass of berry juice. Then he took a drink. "Thanks," he said to the empty glass, tossing it aside. It shattered against the sidewalk. "I owe you one, dragon guy."

Suddenly, he heard tiny whispers from behind him.

"What was that?"

"Did you see that?"

"I don't believe it!"

"He killed the dragon!"

"Have we been saved?"

Magic Man turned around to face the village and had to shield his eyes from a sudden assault of light. Squinting through his fingers, he saw a small crowd of people, just the right size for this town, surrounding him. They looked like they were made out of panes of glass, reflecting light right into his eyes and nearly blinding him. He blinked, then blinked again. A cloud passed in front of the sun, lessening the assault on his eyes so that he could look straight at the people.

The beings were very simple, and they all looked pretty much the same to Magic Man. One, however, was dressed elegantly in a red robe sewn from autumn leaves and carrying a sceptre made of twigs and vines. "Hello," he said in a loud voice. "I am the leader of the Bright People."

"Bright People," repeated Magic Man.

"Yes!" The leader boomed in what sounded like an artificially raised voice. "For four hundred years, that awful monster has terrorized my people, demanding a sacrifice to calm his ravenous appetite. We have tried to fight back many times, but he just stomped us into the ground and then ate us. So many friends and brothers have been lost... but now a new hero has been sent by Glob to save us!"

"Yaaay!" the others cheered.

Though the Bright People were only about knee high to him, they were strong and sturdy. They formed a large cluster that swept Magic Man off his feet and carried him through the streets, cheering, "Hurray for the hero! Hurray for the dragon-slayer!"

Normally Magic Man didn't like sissy do-gooders in the least, but since he didn't consider what he'd done a heroic action at all, he felt perfectly justified in milking the adoration of the Bright People for all it was worth. After all, he'd never been heralded a hero before. It should be an interesting experience, and probably fun too. And Magic Man did love things being all about him.

He allowed the Bright People to take them to their tiny town square, where they set him on the ground in front of a fountain. The leader of the Bright People climbed up on a small stage with a podium, set up for proclamations, and the Bright People crowded close. Magic Man waved.

"Tell us your name, O Great One."

"Magic Man," said Magic Man, quite pleased with the attention.

"Very well, Magic Man," said the Leader. "To thank you for your great service to us, we would like to offer you a great reward."

"Sure, lay it on me."

"Grand Bright Wizard! Come forth!" The Leader banged his sceptre on the stage three times. The crowd parted and looked on in reverence. A small figure moved forward, covered completely in robes and clutching a wooden staff.

"Magic Man..." the Grand Bright Wizard said in a deep, hollow voice. "Do you accept of your own free will what the Bright People wish to give you?"

"Uh-huh." Magic Man was already bored, and having a hard time holding still.

"Say it!" commanded the Grand Bright Wizard.

"Yes, yes, I accept the whatever thingy you shiny guys have."

The Grand Bright Wizard chuckled. "Your enthusiasm is enlightening. COME FORTH! GREAT PRINCESS FROM THE VEIL OF THE FAIRIES!" His voice boomed so loudly that the ground shook and Magic Man almost lost his footing. Everything was silent for a moment. Then, a tiny whistling in the background grew louder and louder. A ball of white light appeared in the trees at incredible speed, right towards the crowd.

**SLAM**

Whatever it was hit Magic Man's forehead at top speed and kept going on through it, out the other end without leaving any sort of hole in him. The speed, however, knocked him backwards onto his butt. "Uah!"

"This is your reward," said the Leader. The ball of light flittered out from behind Magic Man's head. Now he could clearly see it was a prism-white female fairy with fly wings colored the faintest pink that radiated a glow that was soft, but powerful. She was slightly smaller than the Bright People, and tiny enough to fit on Magic Man's palm.

"You know," said Magic Man, poking at the fairy, "usually when you offer girls as a reward, they're supposed to be big enough to do stuff with."

"Oh, but this is a very special fairy," said the Leader. "When she passed through your forehead, your fates became eternally linked."

"Wait, what?"

"Yes. Now what happens to this tiny little fairy also will happen to you. She will survive by leeching off your magic juice, but should you ever swat her your own bones will be crushed. Magic Man, your life is now entirely dependant on the Third Daughter of the Fairy Kingdom."

Magic Man was floored. "That's not a reward!" he said. "That sounds like... like..."

Behind him, the Grand Bright Wizard's chuckle turned into a laugh. "Heh heh heh... ha... ha... AH HA HA HA HA!'

"Like something I would do," Magic Man finished lamely.

The Wizard threw his robes off dramatically to reveal his form underneath: a common garden snail. "Remember me, Magic Man?" he said with a cackle.

Magic Man put one hand on his chin and his elbow in his other hand. "Hm... no. No, I can't say I do."

"What?! It's because of you that I'm stuck in this body!" the snail shouted angrily. "I was just a happy little squirrel man before I shared my acorns with you! You're such a jerk, Magic Man!"

"Yeah, that's my thing," said Magic Man.

"Long have I plotted my revenge on you, spending moonless nights studying ancient tomes that would tell me the best ways to crush you. And I have studied you, from those who felt the sting of your magic."

"There were a lot." Magic Man nodded in agreement. "So this is the best you came up with?"

"Oh, I couldn't think of anything more tortuous than to be at the mercy of _this_ creature!" The snail gestured to the fairy, who curtsied. Her antennae bobbed as she lowered her head. "You can't run from your misdeeds forever!"

"Yeah, I'm getting that lately," Magic Man thought. He hesitated, then threw a sparkler ball towards the snail. The snail batted it away with his staff, sending it straight back to Magic Man. Magic Man hopped out of the way and landed on his right foot and hand. "Ha!" he laughed.

The sparkler ball hit the fairy square in the stomach, and she fell backwards onto the ground. At the same moment, Magic Man felt a sudden hot burning smack him on his stomach and like something had slammed him against the back. "Ow! Hey!"

Magic Man shook his head. When he looked up, he saw that one by one the people of the village began to disappear, to vanish into thin air where they stood. He looked around desperately for some sort of clue, something to tell him what he should do next. But before he could figure it out, they were gone. Even the Leader and the snail wizard were gone, and the village was empty.

The fairy, flattening her dress at the stomach, hovered next to his head. He looked at her blankly.

"I'm Ephermelda, by the way," said the fairy.

"That's a stupid name," said Magic Man.

"At least it's an actual name,_ Magic Man._"

* * *

_Hey, wanna see Magic Man go anywhere in particular? Ephermelda won't be harshing his groove for too long, and there's a few spots here and there where I can edit in some amusing interactions for y'alls. So, if you want to see him go someplace specific in his travels, drop me a line in PM or review. I allow anonymous reviews for anyone who has no account, is too lazy to log in, or wants to flame me without fear of repercussions. _


	4. Magic Man and Ephermelda

Grob Gob Glob Grod stood alone in the Martian Arena Dome, looking up sadly at the marble statue of his old friend, Abraham Lincoln, the King of Mars. Not too long ago, Lincoln had traded his immortality for the soul of one whom he wrongfully put to deads. Grob Gob Glob Grod was feeling the loss pretty strongly. Out of all the people of Mars, Lincoln was the one they could most connect with, someone they understood and who could understand them. He was a true friend. A loss like that takes a long time to get used to, and to stop hurting.

All of Mars was devastated, and mourned with them. But they still were waiting for Grob Gob Glob Grod to bring Magic Man, the real Magic Man. He still needed to stand trial for what he'd done so long ago. He needed to be brought to justice for his crimes.

Grob Gob Glob Grod would not do that.

All these long years, they could believe that there was a reason Magic Man hadn't returned, one that wasn't "he never got the transporter to work because he never learned to care about other people." In their heart they hoped that it was because Magic Man had indeed learned to care again, so much that he couldn't bear to leave behind the friends he'd made. Or that he learned to truly felt remorse for his actions, and was too ashamed to show his face on Mars after what he did.

If Grob Gob Glob Grod had found either of those things when they went to Earth, they would have been happy. They could have reconciled with their brother. Instead, they found a man who willingly sent someone else to die in his place so he could get his magic back and continue living selfishly. He hadn't changed a bit. He'd probably gotten even worse.

They said that they would not return for Magic Man. Having already lost a friend they could not stand losing a brother. But Grob Gob Glob Grod lost their brother a long time ago. Now, without even the thought that he may have changed without returning to comfort him, they were losing their brother all over again.

We all lose people we care about, and yet most of us don't turn into a sociopathic jerkass who torments other people for his own amusement. Something else had to have happened to Magic Man that night on Olympus Mons. If only he would reach out to someone, he might still have a chance.

Glob closed his eyes and looked down. Grob looked upwards, at the Earth that was so very, very far from Mars. "Wherever you are," Grob whispered...

"Stay there," finished Glob. "Don't come back. Don't make us bury you a third time."

The King of Mars looked silently onward, his marble gaze eternally watching over the people of Mars.

* * *

Magic Man had moved on from the village of Bright People. He trekked silently, covered by his beggar's blanket, through the thick woods. He had no idea where he was now, and didn't really care. It was late in the day, the sun just touching down on the horizon, so it was time to start looking for a place to sleep before it became too dark to see the ground.

Ephermelda followed behind him silently. Once or twice he sneaked a glance back at her, and each time she was flying about level with his head, looking straight forward. Magic Man never had a traveling companion before and he wasn't sure what to do with her, so he just ignored her. She seemed to ignore him, too, so everything worked out.

Eventually, when the sun itself was down but the last rays still shone out over the horizon, Magic Man found a clearing. All he needed to do was kick some small rocks and sticks out of the way and snuggle up for a good night's sleep. Magic Man usually slept by flopping down in random places, closing his eyes, and waiting until he wasn't tired anymore. If he was hungry, he would take food from nature. If there wasn't food, he would just turn something inedible into a sandwich or something.

"That's where you're sleeping?" asked Ephermelda as he lay down on the ground.

"Eight hours a night," Magic Man replied happily. He curled up tight in his blanket.

"So, then, where are we going tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow, the world is our Oooyster," said Magic Man.

"Hey, um, do you have, like, a house where you live?"

"About 150 years."

"Okay, then."

Ephermelda settled down on the blanket near his head, pulled some of the tatters over herself, and snuggled up. "Usually I sleep in a plush bed in a huge bedroom I share with my five sisters." She fluffed out her hair and antennae. "I never slept outside before."

"Under the sky and the staaars, and the blackness that stretches to Maaaars~" Magic Man sang for absolutely no reason at all. "Now close your talk hole, I want to be up early tomorrow."

"Okay. Good night, Magic Man."

Magic Man didn't return the bid, though not for any reason other than he just didn't feel like it.

* * *

The bright morning sun tickled Magic Man's eyelids and coaxed them open. He sat up and looked around. No fairy girl. Maybe that never actually happened? Oh, well. No point wasting time thinking about it. Magic Man went out to scrounge up some breakfast. It was easy for him. If he saw something that could make a good meal, all he had to do was use some of his magic juice and voila. Instant breakfast.

Today he didn't, so he went for the second easiest thing: Magic Man patted some loose dirt and molded it into a shape like a plate of bacon and eggs. Then he splashed some of his magic on it to bring it to life. It looked and smelled absolutely delicious, so he didn't wait to dig in.

"Agh! Yuck!" He spat out the food. It still tasted like dirt! That never happened to him- his magic always worked exactly how he meant it to.

Ephermelda came fluttering up to Magic Man from somewhere within the trees. She was carrying a large daisy crown, one made for a head much bigger than her entire body. "Hi," she said.

"My juice isn't working," said Magic Man.

"Oh, yeah. That was me," she explained. "I sapped some this morning while you were asleep."

"Well, quit it. I need it to do things."

"Sorry," she said, crossing her fingers. "But that's how I survive now. Anyway, thems the terms you agreed to." She held the daisy crown out. "Oh, and this is for you."

Magic Man took it and stuffed it into his mouth. "Who are you, anyway," he said with his mouth full. He started walking, beginning his journey for the day.

"I'm Ephermelda," said Ephermelda as she followed, "third daughter of the Fairy Kingdom."

"Third daughter of the- what does that even mean?"

"It means I'm the Fairy King's third oldest child," she said. "There's Esmeralda, Mirabella, me, Ephermelda, Grizelda, Drusilla, and Eleanora."

"The Fairy King's?" Magic Man smirked. "So... you're a fairy princess."

"Yes," she said, not getting his drift.

Then, a faint, distant voice cried out: "_who said princess_?"

They both looked up, but didn't see anything.

"Did you hear that?" Ephermelda asked.

Magic Man shrugged.

"Anyway," Ephermelda continued, "When a fairy princess comes of age, tradition states that she goes out into the world to find her purpose. I followed an emissary from the Snail Kingdom, where the Snail Wizard..."

Magic Man tuned her out and began to think about hot dogs. He was still hungry, since daisies don't make for a filling breakfast. Man, he could really go for some hot dogs right about now. Or maybe burgers? No, definitely hot dogs.

"... seasoned lightly until he offered me the chance to make up for it..."

Maybe he would turn some trees into hot dogs to thin out these woods. Wait, would he run into the same problem with this fairy sapping his juice? Oh, well, if he did, he could always improvise. After all, since his neck wasn't currently on the line he wasn't too worried about the strength of his magic.

"And boy was he mad, so that's why he summoned meeeeeEEEEAAAH!"

Seemingly from out of nowhere, the Ice King swooped down and snatched Ephermelda out of the air. "I thought I heard a new princess!" he cried with delight. "I'm going to take you back to my Ice Kingdom with the rest of my princess collection!" He flapped his beard and soared off.

Ephermelda banged on his hand closed tightly around her. "Let go of me your frigid fool!" She bit his skin but her sharp teeth were too tiny to hurt him. "Magic Man! Help me!" she shrieked.

"No, thanks!" Magic Man called from back on the ground. He watched the Ice King disappear with Ephermelda, towards the Ice Kingdom. "Well, good thing that all worked out."

"Yo!" Someone grabbed his shoulder. Magic Man turned around and saw himself face-to-face with a transparent version of himself.

"Hey, how come I'm twice?"

"I'm your subconscious," said the other Magic Man. "I'm here to remind you of something you heard earlier."

"Okay, what?"

"The Bright People said that whatever happens to Ephermelda happens to you, too."

"Uh huh, so?" Then: "Wait. That means..."

His subconscious nodded solemnly. "If the Ice King decides he wants to marry Princess Ephermelda..."

"Then I'd be married to him, too!" He slapped his face. "Oh, glib blob it!"

"Run, man, run!" His subconscious slapped him in the back and Magic Man took off. "Before you end up as half the Ice Queen!"

* * *

_What time is it? It's shoutout time!_

_Anongirl: You can def call her Eph if you like! Also Magic Man in the City of Thieves would definitely be awesome. [add: Kody] Oh, and hey, looks like they're headed to the Ice Kingdom._  
_Sweetums: I guess that means he'll run into Gunter. But who will come out worse from that?_  
_ZalgarTheLostHero: Same question if he ran into Marceline. I imagine a Vampire Queen is a suitable match for Magic Man, mua ha ha..._  
_ParagonFlynn: Thanks for the encouragement._

_Y'all let me know if I start slipping in quality, y'hear?_


	5. Half the Ice Queen

Now, Magic Man's actions here should not be taken for empathy. He was not saving Ephermelda because of anything about her. He didn't even know her at this point. He was only saving her because he didn't want anything bad to happen to him. But you already knew that, of course. After all, you're familiar with Magic Man.

Magic Man could see the Ice Kingdom in the distance long before he lost sight of Ice King. He alternated between running and floating to make the best time; he could run faster than he could float, but when his legs started to get tired and sore, he just floated along with his magic juice powering him. After all, even someone as desperate as the Ice King would take his time after kidnapping a princess he hadn't met before.

When Magic Man finally made it to the base of the mountain which housed the Ice King's castle, he transitioned seamlessly into ascension. He did not take the usual path, a gentle but curving slope normally taken by visitors, but instead he climbed up the side. Magic Man hopped, propelled by his magic, from foothold to foothold like a mountain goat as he made his way up the slippery slope. It was fun, and he found it not difficult at all. You would think it would be, though, given that he hadn't gone mountain climbing in years. Centuries even. Not since...

Oh, Glob.

_"We're almost there, Margles! You can see all of Mars from here!"_

_"I can't wait!"_

_Further and further and further_

_"Margles, watch your step-"_

_"MAGIC MAAAAAN!" Her scream was bloodcurdling._

_He dove, his hand for her, reaching to save her- but it closed around empty air-_

_Margles was gone. Just like that._

Magic Man missed the next foothold and fell down, down to the base of the mountain and the snow piled high below. He had a short fall and a relatively soft landing in a snowdrift.

Unlike Margles.

Magic Man covered his ears, as if the thoughts were an external force trying to work their way in. He crossed his arms over his face, left hand over right ear and vice versa, to shield his eyes from the meomry. "No, no, no, no, no!"

"Quack."

Magic Man opened one eye and peeked out from behind his arm. Gunter, the Ice King's penguin, was sitting in the snow staring at Magic Man. He slowly moved his arms back down to his side as he stared back at Gunter.

"Quit staring," said Magic Man. "I'm having an off day."

"Quack quack quack." Gunter didn't stop.

"Fine," said Magic Man, 'if you won't stop, then I'll just take your eyes away!"

Just as Magic Man raised his fingers, Gunter reached out and slapped him right in the face.

"Ow! Hey!"

"Quack quack," said Gunter.

"Wait, I recognize you," said Magic Man. "You're the thing that was always trying to break into my trash palace and free Tiny Manticore!"

"Quack quack quack."

"Yeah, I've been saving something special for you." Magic Man's voice took on a threatening tone.

Gunter reached up and slapped Magic Man again.

"Knock it off! Fine!" Magic Man got up and started brushing snow off himself. "See if I care."

"Quack quack quack." Gunter pointed one flipper up. Magic Man followed his gaze up the side of the mountain.

"Yeah," said Magic Man. "I need to get up there and free some fairy before I end up married to the Ice King by proxy."

Gunter waddled away. He put his little penguin feet on the mountain and started walking straight up the slope. Magic Man watched the bizarre spectacle. Granted, Gunter was built for moving on ice and snow, but this was a bit ridiculous.

Magic Man followed Gunter curiously, still hopping on the footholds the same way he did before but now going at the penguin's pace. He watched the penguin intently as it waddled, staring ahead blankly, fixed on its destination. When they finally got to the top, Gunter stopped and turned around to look straight back at Magic Man. In that way, Magic Man was able to get to the top of the mountain without any further incident.

"Quack quack," said Gunter.

"Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah. Sure." He absently reached over and pet Gunter on the head. Gunter cooed in appreciation of the affection.

Magic Man covered himself all over with his ratty blanket and crept in quietly through the front gate. Gunter waddled ahead. Magic Man didn't pay much attention to his surroundings, but he noticed that the interior was clean and sparse, a far cry from his own home.

Gunter left Magic Man's sights and made it to the Ice King while he was still sneaking through the hall. Magic Man heard, from a nearby room, the sound of Gunter and the Ice King in conversation.

"Quack."

"What? An intruder? Why didn't you stop them, Gunter?!"

"Quack quack."

"I'm not yelling, sweetie, I'm just a little frustrated that-"

"Quack quack quack!"

"Okay, I'm sorry for raising my voice at you, Gunter. But you should know better-"

"Quack quack!"

"All right, we'll talk about that later. Where did you see them?"

"Quack."

"Well, you're gonna tell me, or I'll-"

"Quack quack."

"Gunter, is something else bothering you?"

Magic Man peered around the corner and saw Ice King standing in the middle of his room with Gunter. He scanned the rest of the room quickly. There were empty pizza boxes and dirty underwear thrown on the floor around his bed, a weight bench in a small alcove, and a drum kit set up next to- bingo- a cage full of princesses. Hot Dog Princess, Wildberry Princess, Doctor Princess, Turtle Princess, Breakfast Princess, and in a little birdcage hanging in the middle of the cage, Fairy Princess. That is, Ephermelda.

"Oh, right, the intruders," Ice King was saying in response to Gunter. "You stay here and I'll go take care of Finn and Jake."

"Quack! Quack quack!"

"It's not Finn and Jake?

"Quack."

"Then who is it?"

Gunter pointed a flipper and Ice King turned around. He saw Magic Man standing in the doorway. "Who are you and what are you doing in my castle."

Magic Man was familiar with the Ice King. You didn't have to live in Ooo for more than a week to know that he was a powerful old wizard who kidnapped princesses, and Magic Man had been hearing stories about him for two hundred years. He'd never had a chance to test his magic against Ice King, but from what he'd heard and seen it shouldn't be much of a challenge. However, he also had heard that Ice King was a little, shall we say, loco in the coco, and it would be a great opportunity to have some fun.

"Princess inspector," said Magic Man in his beggar's voice. "Here to inspect your princesses."

"What? I never needed my princesses inspected before!"

"New union thing," said Magic Man. "You know how it is."

"Ugh." Ice King waved his hand. "Don't get me started on the unions."

"Watch what you say," said Magic Man. "I'm a union man myself."

"Whatever. Just go do your thing."

Magic Man approached the cage. The princesses looked on, a mixture of curiosity and apprehension in varying levels on each of their faces.

"You need the key?" asked Ice King.

Magic Man flicked the lock. It popped open and landed on the floor. "That won't be necessary." Then he phased through the bars and let himself in the cage.

"Princess Inspector?" Breakfast Princess asked skeptically, one eyebrow raised.

Magic Man lifted up his hat to remove the shadow over his face. "Shh! It's secretly me!" he stage whispered.

The princesses stared blankly, and glanced at each other. "Do you know who this is?" asked Doctor Princess."

"No," said Hot Dog Princess.

However, Ephermelda clapped her hands and said, "Magic Man! I thought you weren't coming!"

"Yeah, me neither."

"Oh!" Wildberry Princess gasped. "Are you here to save us all?"

Magic Man shrugged. "Eh, if I have the time."

"Magic Man!" Ephermelda put her hands on her hips.

Magic Man took her cage and gave it a little shake. "Magic!" he whispered. The cage swung open. Magic Man opened his blanket and said, "Now, hide in here."

"It smells like feet."

"Okay, then, stay with the Ice King forever."

Ephermelda fluttered straight into a little pocket of space under Magic Man's blanket. "Are you gonna put a spell on the Ice King?"

"I don't really feel like it," said Magic Man. "I mean, what can I do to the guy that life hasn't already done? I think leaving the princess cage unlocked is delicious enough." Magic Man glanced over his shoulder just before he slipped out of the cage and saw that at least three princesses had devilish grins on their faces after hearing that.

* * *

When they stepped out the front door, Magic Man and Ephermelda could still hear the Ice King's howls from the beatdown that several peeved princesses were giving him. Now Ephermelda was fluttering behind Magic Man's head, and she glanced back inside. "Yeesh. I do not envy that guy right now." She looked back at Magic Man. "So, what changed your mind?"

"I didn't want anything to happen to you, and by extension me."

"I figured as much."

Magic Man didn't want to admit it, but he was feeling incredibly drained. Not magically, since he could refresh his magic juice when it was taken parasitically rather than by a device specifically designed to keep him weak. He couldn't recognize it, but he was emotionally drained. Casting any sort of spell on Ice King would take too much effort and bring him no joy.


	6. The Quest

"Magic Man?"

Magic Man snapped out of his self-induced trance. He'd been so deep in his own mind that he'd forgotten they were sitting under a pine tree on the outskirts of the Ice Kingdom. Ephermelda was in front of his face, looking at him curiously.

"You seem out of sorts," she said when she saw he was focused on her.

"You don't know what 'in sorts' looks like on me yet," replied Magic Man.

She fluttered to the back of his head. "This is true. Hey, you've got a huge knot on your head." Ephermelda tapped it a few times. "Does it hurt?"

Magic Man winced. "Only if you touch it!" He swatted his hand at her, but she swiftly dodged. "How come if I hit you in the gut with sparklers, my gut gets fried but if you whack my sore spot, you don't get a headache?"

"Because it's a one-way street," replied Ephermelda.

"That's not fair."

"That's why it's a punishment, sweetie."

"Well, it's really cramping my style bomb." He looked around and spotted her hovering in front of an icicle hanging off some pine needles, primping herself in the reflection. "How am I supposed to get any magic done if I'm always looking out for you?"

"I can take care of myself, thank you," she replied, pulling on one of her antennae.

"Like you did with the Ice King?"

"I would have managed," she replied. "It wasn't a death sentence."

"Well, I don't want to be married to the Ice King."

Ephermelda looked at him, puzzled, then she laughed. "You're so silly! That's not how it works, Magic Man."

"It's not?"

"No. Marriage isn't part of what gets transferred from me to you."

"Oh. So... I could have just left you there and it wouldn't have had any effect on me?"

"Well, I don't know." Ephermelda zipped over to the other side of his head. "I mean, this magic is sort of uncharted, it's hardly used at all these days so we only know what was written in the ancient textbooks that Turtle Princess dug up. For example, physical damage is shared but we're not sure what happens with other kinds of physical effects, such as, say, if the Ice King wanted to take it to tier-"

Magic Man put his hands over his ears. "I don't need to hear these things!" he yelped. "I'll never be clean again!"

Ephermelda smirked.

Magic Man shook his head slowly. "Good Glob it, I am not going to spend the rest of my life worrying about that. I'll just have to undo the spell myself."

"His spells are sealed," said Ephermelda. "No other wizard or mortal magic user can undo them by any known means."

"Well, it's kind of fun to do the impossible."

"There's an easier way."

"Oh, good. I'm all about easier."

"Have you ever heard of Wish Mountain?"

Magic Man shook his head.

"I'm not surprised. It's pretty far, and not a lot of people ever return." She landed on the ground, picked up a twig, and then began to sketch in the dirt. Magic Man watched as a rough map of Ooo began to take shape.

"Okay," she said when she had finished. "We're right here at the borders of the Ice Kingdom, see? And waaay over here on the other side of Ooo are the Lost Cliffs, right by the Sea of Sure Death."

"Wish Mountain is in the Lost Cliffs?"

"No. Don't interrupt me."

"Sorry."

"Wish Mountain is on this huge island off the coast of Ooo. Legend says that if anyone can make it past the sea and up the mountain, they get any one wish they want. Exactly how they mean it, no strings attached."

"What do you mean, exactly how you mean it?"

"Like, if you were small and you wanted to be bigger, so you said, 'I wish to blow up,' then you would grow to be as big as you wanted instead of, like, exploding." She cast him a sly glance. "The Wish God is a lot nicer than you are."

"The Wish God?"

"He's the one granting all these wishes. He likes to meet people, but he can't leave the top of the mountain. So if anyone manages to climb to the top he rewards them with any wish they want. You could easily wish that we weren't bound together anymore."

Magic Man studied the map. "Why haven't I heard of any of this before?"

"I don't know. Do you think you know everything there is to know about Ooo?"

"Hm. I guess not." He stared at the map for a little longer. "So... he can grant wishes that are out of the reach of even the most powerful known super wizard?"

"Yeah. There's probably no wish he can't grant."

"If he's so powerful, why can't he leave the mountain?"

"Because he can't use his magic for himself."

"That's lame."

"It's very common among some of the more powerful wizards. The Hobgoblin himself couldn't grant his own wishes even if he could make your fondest dreams come true."

"Who's the Hobgoblin?"

"I-uh-oh. Some powerful wizard who lives on the moon."

"What's his deal?"

"I don't know. But look, if you really want to split us up, this is probably your best bet."

Magic Man stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm..." He reached out his finger and started to draw a line on her map. "If we go this way... and around back over here..."

Ephermelda peered over his shoulder. "I think we need a proper map," she said.

"I think so, too."

* * *

It was dead quiet in Turtle Princess's Library as Magic Man and Ephermelda snuck in. Magic Man was again wearing his beggar disguise, as it was very inconspicuous and he was pretty sure he wasn't welcome in the library after what he did the last time. Ephermelda rode on his shoulder as they tiptoed through the reading area to the stacks.

"Where can we find an atlas?" Ephermelda whispered.

"I don't know. Let's try the card catalogs," Magic Man whispered back. He opened one of the drawers and began pawing through them, pulling some out and then dropping them aside so they were all out of order.

"Don't do that," Ephermelda scolded as she flew down and picked up some of his dropped cards. "Put them back the way you found them."

Magic Man ignored her. He pulled out a specific card and grinned. "Bingo."

Ephermelda started organizing the cards back in the drawer as Magic Man went off to scan the shelves. When she caught up with him, he had just pulled the atlas off the shelf and was hugging it to his chest. "Clean up your messes," she said.

Magic Man ignored her and took the atlas over to the nearest table, where he dropped it with a loud thud.

"Shh!" Turtle Princess, passing by with her book cart.

Magic Man opened the atlas to the first large, full-color map of Ooo. "Okay," he said in his rarely-heard indoor voice, "Okay, so, we're here." Ephermelda landed on the map where he was pointing. As he spoke, she wandered across the map to trace his directions. "We'll have to cut across the Grass Lands, obviously... give the Hole Near the Center of the World a wide berth... I'd say to the north, avoiding the Spooky Forest and Desert Lands, it's kind of easier. Although I'm not welcome in the Candy Kingdom anymore these days... Hmm... Yeah. Yeah, that could work."

Ephermelda was now kneeling on the part of the map where Wish Mountain stood. It was indicated in the atlas by a little triangle with a dot under the point.

"And this Wish God can grant me any wish?" Magic Man asked again.

"Sure. Getting us split would be a piece of cake."

"What if someone else was in the way of me getting my wish?"

"Like who?"

"Like anyone. Glob. Death. A genie."

"Child's play compared to the Wish God," Ephermelda assured him. "All must bow to the desires of those who reach the the mountain's peak and win the Wish God's favor."

Magic Man was beginning to look and sound more and more like his old self. "That's the best news I've heard all daaaay~!" he sang, casting his brown blanket aside. He was grinning from ear to ear again.

"Shh!" Turtle Princess, still shelving books nearby, glared at him as she shushed.

"Come on, let's start our quest~!" Magic Man spun around, now holding his blanket like a cape, as he pranced his way through the library and out of it, sending celebratory sparks and loud noises behind him as he went.

"This is a library!" Turtle Princess called after him.

"And now it's a bakery!" Magic Man said, right before his magic made it so. Suddenly Turtle Princess was in an apron and chef's hat, putting loaves of bread in a basket. All the other patrons were enjoying croissants and bagels instead of mysteries and self-help books.

Magic Man left the library/bakery, or if you will, libakery, considerably happier than he had been when he entered. His step had a spring in it, he was whistling, and he was smiling. Ephermelda noticed the change in him as she followed. "Are you really that happy to be rid of me?"

"What?" Magic Man looked at her, puzzled. "Oh. Right. The... yeah."

"Because if I liked you, I could just wait for you to make your wish first and I would wish us back together."

"I don't caaaare~!"

If you couldn't guess by now, Magic Man had no intention of wishing himself and Ephermelda apart. He wasn't entirely convinced that he couldn't separate them himself if he put his mind to it. No, he was going to do something that no other being in this world or Mars could do. He was going to wish for his Margles back, no strings attached..

* * *

_Thanks again for all the reviews and nice comments 3_

_Grob Gob Glob Grod will actually be important late in the story, so I thought it important that they show up in the beginning so they don't seem to come out of nowhere later on. Even in a fanfic when using established canon characters, it's not good form to do that._

_Ephermelda actually *is* a Zelda thing, the name of one of Link's first fairy companions (though non canonical.) She appeared in the Nintendo Power comic adaption of A Link to the Past that ran from January to December 1992, though she only had a minor role near the end in the Dark World. I didn't make her a fairy to reference The Legend of Zelda, rather some other folktales I liked, but when I realized how it would look, I thought, well, why not embrace it? Give her a Zelda name. When am I ever going to get to use a fairy named Ephermelda again? She has the same name, and I usually make faeries crystal white with antennae, but they're different characters._


	7. City of Thieves, Witches Garden

Ooo was a pretty huge land, and Magic Man had been all up and down it many times over. He'd caused trouble in every kingdom, cast his magic on every kind of being, and hiked over every kind of landscape to achieve his ill-defined goals. Yet in all that time, he had never really stopped to see what this land had to offer besides suckers. For two hundred years all of Ooo had only been a playground, and Magic Man was looking for the next game. You would think now that he had a solid goal for the first time in forever, he would be so focused on it that he wouldn't have the frame of mind to look anywhere but directly ahead of him, paying attention to just the obstacles he would need to directly traverse to achieve that goal. Somehow, though, his mind was all over the place, his eyes taking in every sight and sending them to his brain to be dissected. Familiar backgrounds took on entire new dimensions when you just paid attention to them.

Magic Man and Ephermelda were passing through one of the many forests that dotted this neck of Ooo. Ephermelda cast a faint light around the both of them, and though the forest wasn't very dark in the middle of the day, it was still sort of nice to have around. There were bones and half-buried skeletons littering the landscape, and her glow gave them an eerie look that Magic Man liked.

"I'm getting kinda hungry," Ephermelda said after a while.

"Yeah." Magic Man rubbed his stomach and it growled a little. "Me too."

"What do you usually do for eating?"

"Hmm... Turn stuff into food. Or scam some off of suckers."

"Do you have any food in that bag of yours?" She pointed to his backpack.

"Nope."

"What do you have in here?" She lifted up the flap on his backpack and a horrible smell got out. "Hwoof!"

"I carry a little bit of my home in there," Magic Man said happily. He swung the pack around to his front and opened it, then started rooting around in it. "Here are some smashed boxes of dirt... an empty glass bottle... ouch, it broke... a small bag of garbage... moldy wallpaper..."

Ephermelda heaved. "Why do you carry that mess around with you?"

"In case I get homesick."

"That's disgusting."

Magic Man pulled out a handful of dirt. "Want some dirt?"

"No. Why do you have dirt?"

"Unplanting things makes me happy."

Ephermelda caught sight of something resting in his pack. "Who's in that picture?"

"That's me." Magic Man put the dirt back, closed his pack, and swung it over his shoulders. He left a few spots of blood on the flap and the straps.

"No, I mean standing next to you."

"Someone I used to know."

"Where is she now?"

"In the past."

"Are you ever going to give me a direct answer?"

"No."

"You just did."

Magic man sang: "Aaaand if you let me saaay goodbyeeeee~!"

"So where do you want to wrangle up some food?"

Magic Man squinted and looked ahead. "How about there?" They could see the end of the forest from the path, where the land abruptly turned into desert, and off in the distance a city built on and in the shell of a giant turtle.

Ephermelda shrugged. "I'm up for whatever.

"Then we're off to that city."

A gnarled pile of bark burst forth from the nearest tree and howled, "-OF THIEEEEVES!" It was a Tree Witch, now blocking their path and glaring at them with beady green eyes. "That is the City of Thieves, a dark and wicked place full of snatchers and snitchers, swindlers and swipers, pinchers and looters! And offenders of all sorts of general thievery!"

"... Hello to you too."

"Be warned, travelers!" The Tree Witch pointed a twisted branch finger first in Magic Man's face, then Ephermelda's. "All who enter that city are destined to become THIEEEEVES! No matter how pure you think you are!"

"Pure?" Magic Man repeated with mild disbelief. "I don't know if you've noticed, lady, but I'm not exactly 'pure.'"

"Yeah," Ephermelda said, "and I don't believe in destiny."

The Tree Witch cut them off and howled, "If you enter that city, you will both become THIEEEEVES!"

"I can live with that," said Magic Man.

"I guess that means we can steal us up some lunch," Ephermelda agreed.

"Yeah, I've probably stolen plenty of stuff in the past anyway."

"Let's be off, then."

Magic Man and Ephermelda walked away together, whistling jauntily, leaving the Tree Witch behind wailing, "Thieeeeves! Be warned! The city will get to both of you! It gets everyone in the end!" Magic Man picked up the pace until he got to the entrance arch of the city, and her voice didn't travel past the shell.

The majority of the city was here inside the shell of a long-dead turtle. The streets and buildings pushed so far that they ran into the walls themselves. Being shadowed gave the city a sense of secrecy, and being crowded in gave it a feel of desperation. There were people all around, crowded into the busy streets and alleys. Everybody seemed to be chasing somebody else, trying to recover what had been stolen by them, and at the same time running from someone they'd stolen from.

"So, what should we steal first?" Magic Man asked.

Ephermelda shielded her eyes from an imaginary sun as she looked around. "Over there." She pointed to a cart piled high with watermelon, and an incredibly muscle-bound merchant nearby guarding them. "That way we won't be hungry or thirsty."

"I like the way you think."

They hadn't gone more than four steps in the direction of the watermelon cart when a small mutant darted out of the shadows and cut the strap that held Magic Man's pouch to his leg. "Hey!" Magic Man reached out to grab it back, but the mutant was already scurrying away, back to the shadows where he could hide.

The thief curled up in a tiny space between an old barrel and the back of a building, giggling maniacally as he opened the pouch to see what he'd stolen. To his complete surprise, as soon as he opened the pouch Magic Man's head popped out of it, glaring at him disapprovingly. "That's mine!" The mutant clutched his chest and fell over backwards as Magic Man jumped out of the pouch, hugging his knees to his chest and doing a flip. He picked up his pouch and tucked it into his backpack.

Ephermelda caught up to him. "I don't know how you just did that."

"You want me to tell you?"

"Sure!"

Magic Man looked left and right, then gestured for her to come close. "C'mere. It's a secret." She fluttered up close to his mouth. He cupped his hands around his mouth and whispered conspiratorially, "The secret is... MAAAAAGIC!" He yelled so hard that he actually blew her backwards, and his own ears began ringing painfully as he remembered too late the spell on them both. "Totally worth it," he said, rubbing his inner ear with his finger.

Walking down the street, Magic Man watched the chaos thoughtfully. "I should make a spell..." he was just thinking out loud. "... that would... every time they tried to steal something that wasn't theirs, it would fuse to their hands. That would be hilarious."

"What if they try to steal something of yours again?" Ephermelda had caught up to him.

Magic Man took off his pack and put it on backwards, so it rested on his chest instead of his back. "Ta-da!" he said happily. "Now they won't be able to sneak up on me!" He looked totally dorky but it was worth it. "Oh, but first we should steal our lunch."

Back against the buildings, Magic Man sidled down the street until they were next to the watermelon cart. "Okay," he whispered to Ephermelda. "You make a distraction, and I'll snatch up some watermelons."

"Got it."

Ephermelda flew out into the middle of the street. She looked back at Magic Man, who was now crouching beside the cart. Magic Man glanced up at the buff merchant on the other side, who looked like the kind of guy who stole stuff far more often than he had things stolen from him. Then he looked back at Ephermelda, winked, and gave her a thumbs up.

She cleared her throat. "Ahem... SHRIEEEEEEEK!"

Everybody in the immediate area stopped what they were stealing and turned to look at her. The buff merchant looked away and Magic Man began stuffing watermelons in his frontpack.

"It's horrible! Terrible!" Ephermelda continued, hamming it up to the max. Everyone looked on as she rubbed her eyes to clear them of her crocodile tears.

"What's terrible?" one of the thieves asked.

Ephermelda froze. "... um..." Then she pointed. "That guy over there is stealing all the watermelons!"

Everybody turned to look at Magic Man, who was frozen in mid-steal. The buff merchant glared down at him. Magic Man looked up slowly. "Uh... hi."

Never had Magic Man run so fast in his life as he did when the merchant and several other thieves swept up in the emotion took off after him. He flung spells back at them, and he managed to turn one or two into cats, but overall there was just no time to cast a proper spell, let alone aim it. All he could do was fling sparks in front of him to beat the crowd aside. In the end he found it more effective to throw the watermelons at the crowd than any of his spells, because watermelons were messier. Thankfully, as soon as he passed the city gates, the crowd stopped chasing him. Still he ran and ran, over the desert, and didn't stop until the first blades of grass began poking out of the ground. Then he turned around and flopped down on his back, arms spread out at his sides, and waited for his breath to catch up to him.

Soon Ephermelda appeared in his field of vision. He narrowed his eyes at her. "Great distraction," he said.

"I panicked. You didn't have to throw the watermelons at them."

"I didn't have a choice."

"Why didn't you disappear?"

"Because you suck up all my juice!" He sat up and rubbed his forehead. "I'm going to put such a curse on that city..." But as soon as he said it, he realized he didn't want to go all the heck the way back there just to mess them up. That was time he could spend traveling to Wish Mountain. Every moment he wasn't wishing for Margles back was tearing into him.

His stomach growled again. "Oh, right. The watermelons."

"Maybe there's food over there." Ephermelda pointed to a walled off garden a short ways away. The walls were covered with moss and thorny vines, and there was a gate in the front that they could see colorful plants through. Magic Man got up on his aching legs and hobbled in that direction.

When he got to the gate he tapped the iron bars three times and then just phased through them. Ephermelda was small enough to fit between them. And she was right- there was a lot of food in the garden. There were donut bushes, cupcake flowers, and croissant trees growing all over, lovingly planted and carefully arranged. Magic Man walked through, looking at all of it with a strange sort of tranquility.

Magic Man came across a particularly ripe donut bush. He looked around, then opened his pack and began shoving donuts into it, as fast as he could and as many as would fit. Ephermelda watched, her face wrinkled in disgust. "Ew. Are you really going to eat those?"

"Dirt don't hurt," he replied, closing his pack and putting it back on his front. Then he said, "Oh, yeah," and swung it back around to his back.

"Hey!" a new voice shrieked.

They both turned and saw a tall, thin, hunched witch and hobbling towards them. She alternated between waving her cane at them menacingly and using it to walk. It took her a while to get to them, and Magic Man watched her struggle with great amusement. When she was getting close, he began to slowly drift backwards. "Don't you back away from me! You've got some nerve coming back here! I never want to see you again!_ Magicmanicus Explodicus!_" She waved her cane and shot a blue bolt of magic at him.

"Lamespellicus Deflecticus," said Magic Man lazily as he batted the bolt away.

"Don't you mock my spells! They're a hundred times better than you are, you freak-making creep!"

"Do you know this witch?" Ephermelda whispered.

"Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I've stolen donuts from here before."

"Yeah! And you tied me into a knot!" the witch added angrily.

Magic Man smiled as he remembered. "Oh, yeah! Good times."

"We should go," said Ephermelda.

"Yeah, sorry we can't stay."

"Oh, you're going all right. Going to the 27th Dead World!"

"Not anytime soon, honey!" Then, summoning up all his magic juice, Magic Man rocketed himself into the air, sparks flying. "Wazoo!" and he disappeared with Ephermelda.

The witch shook her fist after them as she shouted, "You'll be sorry! Give me back my donuts! I hate you! I HATE ALL OF YOU!" Then the witch pointed to one of her donut bushes and yelled, "Especially YOU!"


	8. In the Candy Kingdom

_If you're having trouble picturing Ephermelda, I put a picture of her with Magic Man to scale on my deviantart. The link to my page is in my profile, it's the same name I have here, TheGreatAllie. The pic is in my main gallery, between some pictures of ponies. Or, as of now (9/11/12) is the only result for searching Ephermelda on dA._

_What's that? You want to get back to the friggin' story already? Well, why didn't you say so! Here comes the gray line:_

* * *

"Thanks again for helping me," said Princess Bubblegum.

"No problem, Princess," said Finn.

Just now Princess Bubblegum had visited Candy Preschool to entertain the children. Finn and Jake had stopped by the castle to see if she needed any hero biz done today, but she said she was going on some goodwill visits. When she asked if they wanted to come, Finn blurted out "Yes!" right away. Though Finn had given up pining for Princess Bubblegum so he could focus his affections on Flame Princess, an infatuation like his doesn't go away overnight. He still would do just about anything for her, and still would rather be with her than not. Jake, on the other hand, opted to go back home and take a two-day nap instead.

First on the itinerary had been the preschool. Every now and again Princess Bubblegum went to the Candy Kingdom Preschool to read to the children. They were always unruly and out of control, the Candy Nanny unable to rein them in due to her advanced age combined with lack of limbs. But when Princess Bubblegum came in, all that changed. She got the attention of the candy children, just enough so they knew she was there and she had a treat. Then she would sit down on the floor. The children would come over to see what was going on. Then Bubblegum would begin to read in an emoted, but quiet, voice. If they wanted to hear the story, the children would have to be quiet. It worked like a charm. Finn was amazed at that.

Now they were on their way to the Candy Soup Kitchen. Princess Bubblegum liked to make sure that even the least well off citizens of the Candy Kingdom had food to eat and a warm place to sleep. It was important to her that all of her citizens were healthy and happy, and when they weren't, it was her job to fix that. Or invent something to fix that. Maybe when she stayed holed up in her lab for days working on something, she felt she needed to make herself seen by her subjects, so they knew she was still there and still cared even if you couldn't tell because she ended up with no invention to show for it.

When they got there, Princess Bubblegum got right to distributing sandwiches. Finn hung back and looked around. True, the worst off of the Candy Kingdom were still better off than the lowest class of other cities he'd visited, but they were hardly a comfortable class of people. The ones that had clothes wore rags, and all of them were thin and dirty. Some of them took the food given to them and ate it as quickly as possible, licking their fingers to pick up every last crumb. Others ate slowly, to make it last. A few people weren't eating at all, but just here to be out of the sun. Several of them were wrapped in blankets, even though it was warm outside.

When all the food was distributed, Princess Bubblegum went around giving all of the citizens affection like they needed. She snuggled candy corns, stroked gumdrops, and cooed at cookies. One candy citizen, huddled under his blankets in the corner, nudged her away when she got to him. "No, thanks," he rasped.

Princess Bubblegum shrugged and moved on to a candy cane who needed love. Finn approached the candy man that turned her away. "Yo, don't you want some TLC from the princess?"

"Nah."

Something about him struck Finn as odd, but he couldn't quite place it. Then he focused on the hat. Yellow hat with blue wrapped around it. "Wait a minute..." Finn reached out and threw the blanket aside, revealing Magic Man curled up under it, holding a sandwich that was itself sandwiched between two dirty donuts. "Magic Man!"

Magic Man swallowed a large lump of food.

"You got some nerve showing your face around these parts after what you done to my bro!" Finns shouts attracted the attention of the rest of the kitchen, including Princess Bubblegum.

"Well, technically, you're the one that showed my face," said Magic Man. "I was keeping it hidden."

"Who is this?" Princess Bubblegum asked Finn.

"That's Magic Man," Finn said with disdain. "He's bad news, Princess. He turned me into a foot! And a whole bunch of other people into a bunch of other body parts!"

"For a magical life lesson." Magic Man felt the need to clarify.

"That's a serious offence." Princess Bubblegum looked thoughtful.

"Yeah, and that's not all! He tricked Mars into putting Jake on trial for his crimes! He was gonna have Jake killed!"

"Crimes? What crimes on Mars?"

"Hey, what happens on Mars stays on Mars," said Magic Man.

"He's probably here to junk up Candy Kingdom and mess everybody all up!"

"Wrong again!" Magic Man gloated. "I'm just passing through on my way to Wish Mountain. A magic fairy princess told me how to get there."

"... What?" Finn finally stopped yelling.

"It's true. There's been this fairy following me all week and she told me what to do."

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah, I know how it sounds. A snail wizard glued our brains together after I saved the Village of Bright People from a red dragon."

Finn looked at Princess Bubblegum. "Are you getting any of that?"

"Hmm." Princess Bubblegum was thinking hard. "The Village of Bright People is a historic landmark in Ooo, ever since the Lich wiped them out overnight many years ago. Red dragons have been extinct for almost five hundred years. Your story doesn't add up."

"See? He's lying!"

Princess Bubblegum shook her head. "I don't think so."

Magic Man beamed.

"I think he's just dangerously crazy."

Magic Man immediately soured.

"Well, _duh_," said Finn. "He's got mad crazy brains in his head. You should see the sty hole he lives in."

Princess Bubblegum continued, "If what you're saying is true, and I would be willing to act on your word as a hero alone, it sounds like we should make sure that he's locked up in the dungeon for his crimes. Perhaps I can contact Mars and ask them if he needs to be extradited..."

Magic Man laughed. "Dream on, honey! You can't lock up these buns!"

"Oh, I've invented ways to keep powerful wizards and magic users confined," said Princess Bubblegum. "I had to in case we ever need to lock up the Ice King." Then she shouted, "Banana guards!" No sooner were the words out of her mouth then two armed banana guards entered the building. They were always nearby in case she needed them.

The other candy people seemed to be trying to stay out of the way of this strange confrontation. A few were actually standing on the Princess's side, as if they would be willing to fight for her if the situation got ugly. After all, she came here as a show of support to them, so why shouldn't they do the same?

"I've seen him disappear before!" Finn warned Princess Bubblegum. "He can open up a magic hole and escape through it!"

"Don't worry," said Princess Bubblegum. She pulled a small electronic device out of her pocket. "This should help to neutralize this magic field."

"Wait, you just carry that around with you?"

Magic Man opened a blue sparkling portal. "Not strong enough, bubbleguts!" He laughed, then sent some sparks right into Princess Bubblegum's eyes.

"Aah!" Bubblegum's hands flew to her eyes, which stung from his magic confetti.

Finn drew his sword and jumped between Magic Man and Princess Bubblegum.

Magic Man laughed and jumped through his portal. He landed safely on the other side...

...And realized that he was still in the same place.

Magic Man reached his arm back through the portal and wiggled it around. It wasn't really a portal at all. It was just a bright blue circle.

"Ephermelda!" he shouted.

The banana guards grabbed him by the arms.

"Usually that would work," Magic Man explained as they dragged him away. "It's because of the fairy I was telling you about earlier. She sucks out my magic juice and it gets all out of whack."

Finn made the universal "cuckoo" sign while pointing at Magic Man.

* * *

Princess Bubblegum did indeed have a dungeon that was set up to contain powerful magic users. It didn't suppress his magic juice, like the device Magic Man's brothers brought from Mars, but instead it neutralized it like the small device Princess Bubblegum had just used. His magic worked perfectly well in the cell, but there was a field surrounding it that his magic couldn't penetrate.

The banana guards tossed him in the cell quite roughly, and he landed on his stomach with the wind knocked out of him. Before he got up, they had locked the door and left the field. There was only a little light in here, a single fluorescent strip attached to the ceiling outside his cell, and a barred window near the ceiling inside his cell, at ground level outside.

Finn had followed the guards here and was now standing just outside Magic Man's cell, arms crossed, grinning smugly. "That's what you get," said Finn when he saw Magic Man looking at him.

"Are you still mad about that?" Magic Man, despite how angry Finn was at him, wasn't entirely sure what it was he had done to Finn in particular.

"I could forgive you turning me into a foot," said Finn. "Someday, I mean. Maybe. But what you did to Jake? That's cold. That's unforgivable, man."

Finn watched him for a while longer before he left. The banana guards set up their security cameras so that they could leave Magic Man alone, and then they did. Leave him alone, that is.

* * *

He fell asleep on the dungeon floor, next to the dungeon bed.

"Hey, sweetie."

Magic Man looked up- he was sitting, and looking right up at Margles.

He wiped his eyes. "Oh. Hey, Margles."

She sat down next to him, their backs against the dungeon wall. "You wanna talk about it?"

"I've been having a lot of trouble lately," he replied.

"Oh?"

"Everyone else is being such a jerk to me."

"Well, if the only common denominator in your problem is you, I think you've found the source."

Magic Man scowled. "You sound just like my brothers."

"I don't mean to." She sounded apologetic.

Magic Man looked at her, then just wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her close. She returned the hug. Unable to keep himself from crying, Magic Man managed to say, "Why didn't I listen to you?"

"Shh, shh, it's okay." She rubbed his back gently. "I know... just, sometimes things happen."

"But I _needed_you. I still do."

"Your brothers needed _you_, Magic Man."

"They sure had a funny way of showing it."

"People cared about you."

"I don't care about anyone."

"You used to."

"Yeah, and now I don't anymore."

"You know what I think?" Margles didn't wait for an answer. She pulled out of the hug and held his shoulders. "I think you don't want to deal with anything. I think that when I died it hurt you so much that you just stopped caring about anyone but yourself. Because if you didn't care about anyone, then nothing could hurt you. But then it went too far. You got too detached. Because you didn't care, you turned water into hair and people into body parts without caring what it did to anyone else. That wasn't cool, my love."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying give a toot about someone other than yourself. Don't be a jerk. Don't turn someone's shadow alive to attack them. Turn their shadow alive so that they have at least one friend in the world."

She cupped his face in her hands. "Be the Magic Man I fell in love with."

His body jumped as he woke up. It was dark, hardly a star in the sky outside his window. Magic Man sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking around. He looked out the window at the black sky above. Only one solitary star sent its light all the way to the Candy Kingdom. Magic Man squinted. No, not a star. A planet.

Mars.

He couldn't know that over two hundred million kilometers away, his brothers were looking back at him, but somehow he felt that they were.


	9. Be Better, Magic Man

_For my birthday my parents ordered me a gray Magic Man t-shirt from WeLoveFine. I love it! It's so soft on my skin and hilarious to look at! And Mom made me a square chocolate cake with white frosting, and pink icing spelling out EAT IT with sprinkles around. It was my brother's idea. It was also delicious. Maaagic!_

* * *

Magic Man didn't get back to sleep at all that night. He dozed off again sometime around dawn, but not for long and there were no dreams. For the most part he just stared out the window, deep in thought. His normally grinning face was drawn and serious. In his magical brain, thoughts and ideas were dancing around, smashing into each other trying to form plans.

At first light he had a solid conviction: If he were to wish Margles back to him as he was now, she would be disappointed in him. Sure, she enjoyed pranking as much as the next martian troll, it was one of the reasons they fell in love. But back in the day they had always been harmless, garbage-bag-full-of-butter style jokes. Ones where everyone was laughing, even Grob Gob Glob Grod. And yeah, giving someone a curse when they expected a reward was funny, and maybe a little ironic depending on the situation. But it was mean-spirited, and Margles was definitely not mean-spirited.

It was time to turn his butt around. Magic Man wasn't entirely sure he remembered how to have fun that wasn't mean-spirited, but for Margles he would re-learn. Right there, leaning against the bars of his cell looking out the window at the slowly lightening sky, he made a vow: "I will be the best Magic Man I can be."

He was awoken for the second time upon delivery of his breakfast, which he ate gratefully when he was sure no one was watching. Now that he decided to try and be good, he had to figure out a way to get out of here and continue on his journey. After all, there would be no point in being good for the sake of being good.

Really, he shouldn't have come to the Candy Kingdom in the first place. It was Ephermelda who had gone that way, ignoring Magic Man's protests. But Ephermelda would not be stopped, and he'd tried to follow her but lost track of her. Then he got hungry... well, as of right now it was impossible to find out where she was. How frustrating it was to be at the mercy of an unpredictable person who did as she pleased regardless of how her behaviour affected anyone else.

Magic Man refused to learn a lesson from that.

No sooner had Magic Man finished eating than Ephermelda herself flittered through the bars of his dungeon window. "Good morning!" she chirped.

"I guess," said Magic Man, tossing the empty plate over his shoulder. It shattered on the stone floor after it cracked on the bars. "Where have you been?"

"Sightseeing." She offered him a chunk of candy. "Sidewalk brittle?"

Magic Man accepted and popped it into his mouth.

"So what did you do this time?"

"Nothing!" Magic Man went on the defensive. "Then, hesitantly, he said, "Well... everything. The candy princess locked me up for everything I ever did." He scowled. "I don't like her. She thinks I'm crazy and you don't exist."

Ephermelda laughed. "Well, of course I don't!"

Magic Man laughed uneasily. "Eh, what do you mean?"

"There never was any dragon or snail wizard. All that happened in your sick brain. I'm just a figment of your imagination, the representation of the eternal conflict between your id and superego."

"No you're not. The Ice King saw you."

"Did he? Or was that all in your head, too? Maybe he never captured me- you have to admit, he did come out of nowhere- and you just randomly freed a bunch of princesses." She laughed. "Or maybe not! Who knows?"

"They saw you in the City of Thieves," Magic Man pointed out.

"Or maybe you just got caught and transferred it onto me."

Magic Man was stymied. He opened his mouth to protest that it was ridiculous, but then he closed his mouth because maybe it wasn't. He opened his mouth again, but found himself unable to protest and closed it.

Ephermelda suched in her cheeks to make a fish face. "Glub, glub." Then she laughed.

"Quit that."

"Okay." Ephermelda flew over to the window. "I gotta buzz, anyway. Sitting around in a dungeon is no fun. I'm gonna go party with some bears in a monster's belly. Hope we don't get turned into stuff! See ya!" She flew out the window.

Magic Man reached through the bars after her but his hand only grabbed empty air. "Get back here!" he cried. "Would I turn into the stuff too? Are you for real? Answer me!" But she didn't, and she was gone.

"Who are you yelling at?"

Magic Man turned his head around and saw Princess Bubblegum standing outside his cell. Suddenly self conscious, he slowly pulled his arms back in the dungeon and turned all the way around. "Just... at Ephermelda," he said.

"Oh?"

"My fairy." Then he added, "She'll probably bust me out soon."

"I see." Princess Bubblegum pulled up a chair and sat down, hands folded in her lap, just outside the cell and the magic neutralizing field. "I wanted to talk to you," she said.

"Okay."

"Is what Finn said back there true?"

"Wouldn't you take his word as a hero alone?" He hadn't meant for it to sound sarcastic, but there was a twinge of resentment in his voice.

"I want to hear it from you."

Princess Bubblegum's demeanor was so gentle and reserved that it had a calming effect on Magic Man. He felt like he could tell her anything, and she would listen, and she would understand, and she would not judge him. If he wasn't careful, he just might spill his guts to her. So he didn't say anything.

After a bit, Princess Bubblegum prompted, "Did you turn Finn into a foot?"

Every synapse in his brain was ordering him to lie, yet still he said, "Yeah." Stupid!

"Why?" she asked.

Why? Just because. Just freaking because.

* * *

One day, two years ago, Magic Man was napping in the sunlight under his blanket when he was abruptly awoken by the sound of wanton hamboning. He peered out from under his hat to see who was coming. It was just a kid and his dog. They looked like a nice pair of chumps. When his stomach growled, Magic Man decided they would be perfect victims for one of his favorite tricks.

In his best starving hobo voice, he croaked, "Food? Food for a beggar?" To really drive it home, he started writhing and twitching like someone who's pangs of hunger were strong enough to put him in agony. He flopped to the ground, and then lifted himself up, turning a flip in the air before landing on his feet. "Food for a poor old man?"

It was working, he could see it on the kid's face. "Geez laweeze, guy..."

Magic Man held out his hand expectantly. "So, you got any, kid? Food?" For emphasis he clapped his fingers on his palm a few times.

The kid- Magic Man knew him as Finn by now- took off his little pack and started rooting around inside. "Oh, man," he heard Finn say to himself. "I do have food. I've got this little piece of sugar." Finn stared intently at the sugar, as if deciding whether or not to share it was the most agonizing decision he ever had to make. This would make his reward in the end so much sweeter.

"Wait, Finn," said the dog Magic Man would eventually make his doppleganger, Jake. "Maybe helping this starving homeless man is the wrong thing to do."

"What? Why?"

Jake looked surprised. "I dunno. I... I said _maybe_."

Finn puffed out proudly. "A hero always helps someone in need! And besides..." Finn leaned in close to Jake and whispered so that the homeless man wouldn't hear, but he couldn't know that Magic Man's powerful magic ears could hear just about everything. "He's probably secretly an elf who will reward us for being nice!"

Even if they were looking, they couldn't see Magic Man smirking in the shadow of his blanket.

Finn turned back to Magic Man and handed him the piece of sugar. "Here you go, buddy!" Magic Man snatched it out of Finn's hand greedily. "Whoa!"

Magic Man paused with his hand just in front of his mouth before putting the candy in. He chewed it as much as he could, grinding it between his teeth and covering it with saliva. He chewed it far more than it reasonably needed to be chewed, and _far_far longer than any starving homeless person would chew to savor it. Finn and Jake just stared at him, flabbergasted at the amount of noise and show he could make over such a tiny piece of sugar.

Eventually, the sugar had dissolved in his mouth and he swallowed. "You know," he said, fingertips together, "believe it or not, I'm not really a beggar... I'm actually a..." And he jumped as he threw his filthy rags off with all the spectacle he could muster, complete with light, sparks, and song: "Magic Maaaaan!"

"Whoa!" Finn was excited. "Aw, yeah!"

"He's magic! I didn't expect this," added Jake.

"Pretty math."

"Algebra."

Time to show off his powers a little. Magic Man got down on one knee and whistled, beckoning a bird to come rest on his finger. He wasn't sure himself if he was doing a bird call right or if his whistling had the magic ability to charm animals. Either way, a blue bird did come to him, chirping an imitation of magic Man's own call.

"Magic..." Magic Man waved his hand. "Away!"

The bird started peeling away from the beak, its guts and muscles coming out of its mouth until they formed the outside and the feathers formed the inside. The bird looked around, then spread its squishy wings and took off. Instead of flying, it landed limply on the floor. It hopped and fluttered its wings, trying to get lift, but it was no longer able to fly. It hopped pathetically into the woods, where it would be easily caught and eaten by a predator if it didn't die of inside-out first.

Jake had his head buried in Finn's chest, shaking all over, not wanting to see such a horrific sight. "Think happy thoughts... little cute bees... little babies... tiny tiny bunnies..."

Finn held Jake consolingly. He turned and glared at Magic Man. "What is wrong with you?"

"You gave me that candy," Magic Man said happily. "Now I'll do you a favor in return. A magic favor!" He pointed his hands at Finn, surrounding him in blue smoke, as he sang, "A mystical, magical favooor!~"

The smoke cleared, and Finn saw for the first time what Magic Man had done to him: he was no longer a human boy, but a giant foot and ankle with the torso of a human boy sticking out of it. Finn screamed.

"Whoa, dude!" Jake was impressed.

"For yoooou~!" Magic Man sang.

"Why did you do that?!" Finn was furious.

"Because this day, a magical life lesson comes to you!"

"No! Change me back, or give me back my sugar!"

"Not until you appreciate what a jerk I am!" Magic Man clapped his hands over his head and propelled off into the sky. "Wazoo!" He disappeared in an explosion of sparks that spelled out his final message to the kid: EAT IT.

He reappeared a mile or so south in the forest, where he leaned against a tree and laughed until his sides hurt and he couldn't catch his breath. "Oh, I wish I had a magic camera!" he said to the woods. "His face! When he was a foot! And the dog! With the bird! Ha ha ha ha!"

* * *

Back in the present, Princess Bubblegum cleared her throat. "Well? Why?"

Magic Man's mind was so far away he couldn't remember the question. "What?"

"Why did you turn Finn into a foot?"

"For... a magical life lesson."

"And what lesson would that be?"

Magic Man didn't answer.

Princess Bubblegum sighed. "I want to help you," she said patiently. "I don't want to throw you into a shark pool of a trial and then lock you in the candy dungeon for the rest of your life." She paused. "Finn's tracking down all the people you've wronged. I thought at least you'd like some help figuring out how to defend yourself."

"I thought I'd wing it." Magic Man supported his head in his hands, leaning back and looking smug.

"Very well." Princess Bubblegum sounded disappointed, but she respected his decision. She excused herself and left quietly. Magic Man was glad to see her go, until he realized that this left him alone with his thoughts.


	10. Crimes of Magic Man

"Incoming transmission." Gob adjusted the knobs on the radio. Grob Gob Glob Grod were alone in their home, next to the Ultimate Machine of Communication, a radio that received and sent messages anywhere in the galaxy.

"Who's contacting us?" asked Glob.

"I'm looking up the coordinates now..." Gob checked the star chart tacked up on the wall. "It's coming from Ooo... in the candy kingdom."

"Decoding the transmission now." Grob got straight to work turning the signal back into the words which were sent. "It's a request for information. Apparently Magic Man is to be punished for his crimes on Earth. They are requesting information about his crimes here on Mars and offering an extradition."

"Should we?" asked Gob.

Glob closed his eyes. "Magic Man has gotten himself in enough trouble on Earth without our additions. It's for the best, if they carry out their own justice for crimes in their own land. As we have chosen to leave him, we will not interfere."

"I'll send back our response," said Gob.

"No," said Glob. "Don't send a response. Just ignore it. Act as if we never got it."

"Perhaps this is for the best," Grob mused. "He can't escape the penalty for his behavior forever, but at least this way it does not have to come by our hand."

Grob Gob Glob Grod went silent.

* * *

Magic Man's trial started not too long after that. Finn the Human threw himself wholeheartedly into preparing for it, even tracking down the former residents of Freak City to speak out against Magic Man. Not only that, but they knew the names and towns of other people who had crossed paths with Magic Man and were worse off because of it. Many of them seized the chance to weigh in on his crimes. Indeed, looked like it was going to be very easy to have Magic Man locked away in the darkest dungeon in the deepest part of the Candy Kingdom for the rest of his life.

Not surprisingly, Magic Man had a cavalier attitude about the whole thing. He seemed to be treating the it like a game or a joke, the same way he treated everything else that happened to him. From the outside, he seemed to be the same Magic Man he'd always been. Inside, though, he was thinking hard.

Ephermelda hadn't come back since she told him she didn't exist and called him a fish. When he thought objectively about it, he realized it was unlikely that Ephermelda was telling the truth when she explained how it was possible for her to be a figment of his imagination. But then, it wasn't like he had a hypothetical measuring stick to go up against. Anyway, whether she was real or not, she wasn't going to be of any help to him now.

Neither was Margles. She only came to him in his dream, and it was only so his subconscious could get him to realize something he already knew. He was totally alone in this. Not that this was different than everything else in his life. He'd been alone in everything for a long time, with only himself for company. It wasn't really a big deal to him.

He hadn't been locked away for too long before the trial proper began. One morning, when he wasn't expecting it, two banana guards came to his cell. He'd been up a lot that night, as there was a storm brewing outside, the wind and rain beating down just outside the dungeon window. He was awake to greet the guards, thought he didn't.

Both of them were wearing a belt that held a magic neutralizing device like the one Princess Bubblegum had used. Magic Man was actually surprised he hadn't been able to crack through it. It was possible, though very unlikely, that Princess Bubblegum was a better technician than he was a magician. After all, it was his brother Grob Gob Glob Grod who was the deity; he was just a Magic Man. Still, as the banana guards led him up into the castle (one guard to each arm, holding tight) Magic Man wasn't sure whether or not he couldn't free himself or if he just didn't want to. On top of that, he was too far removed to know whether, if he was staying by choice, was it just for fun or some kind of penitence for his misdeeds?

At this point, Magic Man did not know his own self.

Princess Bubblegum herself would play judge for this small trial, as she was the fairest and most just in all the Candy Kingdom. Several members of the Candy Council would also weigh in. Gingerbread Judge, Candied Cain, and Berry Bar sat off to the side where they would quietly listen. Finn stood, arms folded, on the other side of the room near Bubblegum's stand.

Magic Man took all this in in an instant when he was lead through the doors. They sat him in a wooden chair in the middle of everything, his wrists stuck together in front of him with taffy.

"The Trial of Magic Man will now begin!" Manfried the Talking Piñata announced, which called the events officially to order.

"Thank you, Manfried," said Princess Bubblegum. "Today we are here to listen to the crimes of the Magic Man, to weigh their severity, and to decide his ultimate fate."

"Lock 'im up!" Finn shouted.

"Finn," Pricness Bubblegum warned firmly.

"Sorry, Princess."

"I would like to start with some of your friends who have come here today," said Princess Bubblegum.

Then they brought in someone Magic Man only vaguely recognized: Kim. She was looking well in her humanoid form. Her long black hair was tied back, and she wore a clean white dress/lab coat and red boots. Her syringe hand had been capped to avoid accidental needle sticks, and her eyepatch looked new.

"Hello," said Kim.

Everyone else in the room murmured a hello.

"Please," said Princess Bubblegum, "would you tell us about your encounter with this Magic Man?"

"Yes." Kim began her story, her voice firm, her thick latina accent adding a strange edge to her emotion. "I was working in a science lab many years ago. I stay very late many nights when work is hard. One night I went outside for air when I heard a pathetic voice cry out for food. I took pity on him and shared the leftovers from my dinner.

"'Oh, thank you kind one,' he said to me. 'You know, I'm not really a beggar but a Magic Man! Since you gave me such a good meal I will repay you with a magical favor. You may ask for anything.'

"I thought about it, and then I knew what I wanted. I said, 'Please, could you fix it so I can see out of my both eyes?' You see, I lost mine in an accident many years ago, and my job is hard without depth perception.

"'Not a problem,' he said, and he hit me with his bright magic confetti. And when the light subsided I could see again like I used to! But when I went to feel if the socket was full, I found I couldn't. I had no arms, I had no legs- I _was_ a leg! 'What have you done to me?' I cried!

"'I've gifted you what you asked for, along with a super special magical life lesson!'

"'Change me back!' I yelled.

"He only laughed and disappeared, but first he yelled back: 'Not until you appreciate what a jerk I am!'"

Kim finished her story. The courtroom was silent as the information was processed by all in attendance.

"Were those his exact words?" Princess Bubblegum asked. "Not until you appreciate what a jerk I am?"

"Yes, I'm sure," said Kim.

"I see. Thank you."

Kim nodded, and then she went to the back of the room.

* * *

Person after person came forward, each one with their own story of an encounter with Magic Man. Princess Bubblegum listened to each one, and as she listened she watched Magic Man. She wanted to see some twinge of guilt or remorse, maybe embarrassment or discomfort. But his face was a complete blank. Once or twice, when the story being told reached it's climax, where Magic Man got the better of someone, his mouth would turn up in a tiny smile.

Soon it was Jake's turn to tell his story. "I'd only met the defendant once," Jake said to the visiting judges, "but I knew he was a suspicious character. Sure, he tried to show how awesome he was by turning Finn into a giant foot, but I still had reservations.

"So one day, I'm walking along with my buddy Finn, and we were enjoying the silence, when out of nowhere this crazy guy plows right into us! Next thing I know I'm on Mars and Abe Lincoln is offering to send me on an eternal journey of cosmic discovery. Then I'm dead, but then I'm not, and Finn takes me home. Anyway, it's all Magic Man's fault."

The candy judges looked at each other with varying degrees of bemusement on their faces.

"All right," said Princess Bubblegum. "I have one more story I want to hear. Finn, could you tell us about how you were finally transformed back into a boy after becoming a foot? I'd like to hear how you came to learn his magical life lesson."

"Yeah," said Finn. "It was after I found Freak City."

* * *

Finn couldn't believe none of them had seen it before: they had all been turned into body parts. He only saw it himself after he kicked the other freaks out into the daylight, and saw Gork, Trudy, Zap, Kim, Wee Wee, and Gorflax all piled up against each other.

"Wait, Finn!" Gork protested as Finn angrily kicked them. "Stop it, man! We don't like touching each other!"

Finn squinted, staring hard at the lump of twisted bodies of body parts. "Hmm..."

"Please, man," Gork said.

"Wait a second." Finn pointed. "Kim. Get underneath Trudy."

Kim and Trudy looked at each other. "No, man, please," Kim protested. "I frikkin' hate Trudy!"

"KIM! I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

"Okay!" Kim yelped and quickly wriggled herself under Trudy the waist.

Jake grinned. "Heh heh... yeah, do it, Kim!"

Kim put her flat foot part down on the ground, her skinny leg body sticking straight up in the air with half of Trudy resting on top. Gork and Zap were still sitting on top of Trudy, watching Finn with confusion.

"Yes... now for me!" Finn hopped forward and wriggled himself under the other side of Trudy, supporting her fully. "Look at us now!"

Jake gasped with glee.

The mass of bodies walked over to a large puddle of water in the dry river bed. Cautiously optimistic, Gork the head peered down at their reflection and saw: "We're... we're like a big, normal guy."

The others- the arm, the legs, and the tonsils sitting as ears, saw it too. Each tiny face was smiling.

"We're perfect together," said Zap.

"Grawsh, Finn..." Trudy breathed.

Kim closed her eyes as she started to blush a little. "Oh, thank you, Finn."

Finn pumped his arms in excitement. "Word! Now let's go wreck up that Magic Man! Y'all with me?"

The other freaks cheered along with him.

"Absolutely!"

"Woo!"

"Hell yeah!"

"We're not afraid anymore!"

Jake ran over to the Super Freak. "Wait! Let me get in on this!" He wasn't a body part, but he could be something that the Super Freak needed if it was going to move without falling apart. Jake stretched around the legs and waist, holding them together. "I'll form the pants!"

"Wow." Trudy couldn't believe it. "All these years as a-"

Her amazement was cut off by a loud but weary cry, "Food! Food for a beggar!"

There, wrapped in his tattered blanket, was the very man they were about to look for! He walked up to them, asking, "Y'all got any food?"

"We've got a little orange juice left over from-" Gork suddenly recognized him and narrowed his eye. "Wait a second!"

"Ha ha! That's right! It is I, the Magic Man!" He laughed as he floated, spun around, and shed his beggar disguise to reveal the green humanoid underneath. "Ha ha! Zap!" He flung some of his magic at the Super Freak.

Working together as a body, Zap shielded Gork's giant eye from damage.

"Come on, applegrease!" Magic Man twiddled his fingers in anticipation. "What are you gonna do?"

Zap socked Magic Man right in the pit of his stomach. "We're not afraid!" he shouted as he sent Magic Man flying.

Magic Man twisted his body in the air and landed on his hands and feet, skidding along the ground relatively unharmed. "Are you suuuure about that?" he taunted.

"You're darn right we are!" Finn shouted. "Together we are huge! We'll give it our all! Also, Gork has lava breath." Finn looked up at Gork. "Do your thing!"

Gork scrunched up his face, and the hurled lava like vomit out of his mouth and onto Magic Man.

"Whoop!" Magic Man laughed and opened up two circles of magic, one with each hand on either side of him. They were portals, funneling the lava in one and out the other so they never touched him. "Is that the only 'all' you've got?"

"We got more!" Finn shrieked. "We got tons more 'all'!"

"Get his eyes!" Kim's intensity matched Finn's. "Cut him in the eyes!"

"You can't fool us anymore with your stupid tricks, Magic Man!"

Magic Man sent a stream of light out from one of his fingertips. "My tricks are precisely as stupid as your whack innocence requires." As he spoke, the light danced around his head and then went into his other finger, a silly little illusion and nothing more.

"No more riddles, Magic Man!" Finn clenched his fists. "Give us our bodies back!"

Finn kicked Magic Man as hard as he could. Magic Man went sailing through the air and landed on the brush of a tree downed in the riverbed. Still, Magic Man didn't appear hurt at all. "Why should I?" he asked playfully. "You still act like a hero only to get what you want."

Suddenly, Finn's face changed with the realization that suddenly overcame him. "Oh," he said in awe, as if being let in on some great cosmic secret. "That it. You were trying to teach us to be kind without expecting something in return. I should have given you that sugar cube without even thinking about a reward." He smiled proudly. "Just like a foot supports a body without asking to be paid."

The other freaks murmured in agreement.

"Oh..."

"Right on."

"We were so self-absorbed."

"We did the same bad thing."

Finn was expecting to be granted his body back. So he was quite surprised when, instead, steaming blobs of water came flying at his face instead. It hit his face, both soaking and burning him at the same time.

"WRONG!" Magic Man cried.

"Aah! Ow!" Finn rubbed his face. "You've gifted us nothing but heartache, Magic Man! What's the life lesson in that?"

"Hee hee hee... yes, my children, you're so close to the answer!" Magic Man kicked his feet in delight as he giggled.

"Answer this!" Finn and Kim crouched down, and the Super Freak leaped into the air. Magic Man didn't have a chance to move before they came down on him, Finn pressing all the weight he could pinning Magic Man under his foot body.

"Magic Man, you're the worst." Finn spoke for all of the freaks he was a part of. "I wish I'd never taken pity on you."

It infuriated him to see Magic Man still smile when he heard that. "Oh, yes! You're so very close now!"

"Shut up!" Finn grinded him into the ground. "I wish I'd never been nice to you, 'cause you're a big jerk! And you don't act like I want you to when I do good things for you!"

The other freaks chorused their agreement.

Magic Man's smile was bigger than ever. "Yes! That's it! You've finally learned your lesson!"

Finn was so surprised that he stopped applying pressure to Magic Man's squishy body. Magic Man easily slid out from under the freaks and landed with both feet on the ground. He clapped his hands together and, in a puff of blue smoke, Finn, Trudy, Kim, Gork, Wee Wee, Gorflax, and Zap were all returned to their normal bodies. All of them sat on the ground, dazed and confused at the sudden change.

Still smiling, Magic Man opened a portal. "I'm off to spread my teachings to more sissy do-gooders." Just before he jumped through the portal, he called back, "You're welcome!" Then he was gone, and the portal closed behind him.


	11. Louragan, King of the Storms

When Finn finished his story, the courtroom was silent except for the sound of the storm's winds outside. Finn sat down in his chair and looked to Princess Bubblegum, who was taking it all in.

"Well," she said, after clearing her throat. "Magic Man. Is everything you've heard today true?"

"Truer than true," said Magic Man happily.

Princess Bubblegum sighed and rubbed her gummy temples. "All right, I give up. Magic Man, what's your angle?"

Magic Man stopped smiling and looked at her blankly. "Angle?"

"Don't play dumb. If I've learned anything about you after hearing all these stories, it's that you always have an angle. I figured you're probably tired of beating around the bush like this, so why don't you just do whatever it is you're planning and we can get it over with."

Magic Man looked to Finn, who was still glaring at him with his arms crossed. Then he went back to smiling. "Oh, come on, wouldn't doing that spoil the fun?"

"Ugh." Princess Bubblegum facepalmed. "Fine. If there's nothing else to say, then I'll just go ahead and-"

"Stop the trial!" The back doors flew open dramatically. Every head in the room turned to see who was barging in. It was Ephermelda, floating confidently into the room at standing head level.

Magic Man looked around. "Can you see her? Guys? Everyone? Can everyone see this?" He gestured at Ephermelda as she reached him.

"Who are you?" asked Princess Bubblegum.

"Me?" Ephermelda tapped her chest. Then she bowed low, her head past her knees, then her feet, then she tumbled over in the air and came up again, smiling broadly. "I am Ephermelda, third daughter of the Fairy Kingdom."

Magic Man turned to Princess Bubblegum. "So you can see her, right?"

Princess Bubblegum gave Magic Man a strange look.

"Yeah, I was lying the other day," said Ephermelda.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "I-uh-oh. I just like messing with peeps sometimes."

Magic Man bit his lip, determined not to say anything and make himself a hypocrite on top of everything else.

"What is your business here, Ephermelda?" asked Princess Bubblegum.

"I'm here on behalf of this Magic Man."

"That's right," said Magic Man. "What happens to her happens to me, so she should have a say in all this."

Princess Bubblegum frowned. "I think it would only count if it were the other way around."

"Wait." Magic Man had to think it through. "Oh. I guess that's true."

"What do you have to say in defense of Magic Man?" Princess Bubblegum asked.

"Well." Ephermelda cleared her throat politely. "I haven't known Magic Man very long, but from what I've seen he's a decent guy. He went all the way to the Ice Kingdom to rescue me from the Ice King's dungeon. Then he turned a library into a bakery so they could eat delicious baked instead of books. We also stole donuts from a witch shaped like a candy cane but wasn't a candy cane."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Jake waved his arms to get attention. "Did you kick her cane and make her fall?"

"Jake!" Princess Bubblegum gave him a 'cut' gesture.

"We'll talk later," Jake whispered loudly.

Back to Ephermelda, Princess Bubblegum said, "It sounds to me like Magic Man is still a selfish jerk and has been up until the day we arrested him."

"Well, yeah, I guess that's true."

Magic Man slumped backwards and groaned loudly. "Please stop talking, Ephermelda."

"But I'm so good at it."

Just then the lights in the room flickered and went out. Everyone went quiet, and once they were the storm outside seemed louder than ever.

"Oh, right," said Ephermelda. "I forgot. I also came to tell you that the storm going on outside is actually an evil hurricane named Louragan that was accidentally released early and we can't get it back in his prison, and it wants to kill everyone and everything."

As it turns out, even dignified members of the Candy Court can lose their heads. The room erupted in panic. Finn, ever the hero, drew his sword.

"Everyone calm down!" Princess Bubblegum hollered authoritatively.

"I'll kill that hurricane!" Finn shouted.

"We're all gonna die!" Jake shrieked.

"Jake, chill out," said Finn.

"Sorry." Jake immediately calmed down. "I just got caught up in the moment."

"Only someone who has the heart of a hero can vanquish Louragan," said Ephermelda.

"That's me!" Finn declared.

"It could be me, too," said Magic Man.

"No," said Ephermelda. "The heart has to still be beating inside of the hero."

"Oh. Never mind, then. You want Finn."

"I'll take you to the eye of the storm," said Ephermelda. "There we can defeat him."

Princess Bubblegum said, "In light of this development, we'll postpone the end of this trial until after the demon is vanquished. Guards! Stop screaming and escort Magic Man back to his cell!"

Magic Man stood up. "Wait! If Ephermelda is going into danger, I need to come with her!"

Princess Bubblegum looked at him, inviting him to continue.

"It's really dangerous," he explained, "going after demon hurricanes. She could die."

"It's true," Ephermelda added. "I could."

"Right!" Magic Man nodded vigorously. "So if she dies, I die. And if I die, I'd like to see it coming."

Princess Bubblegum facepalmed again.

"So it's only fair he goes, too," said Ephermelda, seemingly unruffled by Magic Man's self-centered interpretation of the situation.

Finn was already waving his hands and shaking his head. "No way, nuh-uh. I can't slay evil with Magic Man causing trouble."

"Don't worry," said Ephermelda. "I can keep him in line. Watch." Then she put her forearm in her mouth and bit down hard. Magic Man grabbed his own arm and bent over, whining in pain. Then he flung himself flat on his back.

"Holy hex," Finn breathed.

"See?" Ephermelda took her arm out and folded her hands behind her back.

"She's fun," said Jake to Finn. "I bet that'll be a hit at parties."

The building shook as a particularly strong gust of wind hit it hard. "We don't have time to argue," said Finn. "Let's just go." Finn jumped on Jake's back as Jake grew. Magic Man grabbed onto Jake's tail, and the four of them were off.

* * *

No one was outside enough to see the odd spectacle as Giant Jake and his riders raced to the eye of the storm. Jake had made a covered compartment on his back to shelter Finn, Magic Man, and Ephermelda from the rain. Jake shifted his mouth and ears to inside the compartment, but his eyes were outside so he could see. Along the way he'd picked up a pair of water-resistant goggles so he could see through the torrential rain.

"So what's the deal?" asked Finn. "What are we fighting?"

"A burden that the Fairy Kingdom must bear for the sake of nature. For the past thousand years, every century a terrible storm comes over the world, and the only counter is a re-awakened force of nature powerful enough to cancel it out. We set it up so that they meet and battle over the ocean, and the world is preserved. After he blows the storm out, he's weak enough that we can re-capture him.

"Normally we keep his jar in a sacred temple just on the edge of our kingdom that we only use for demon-storage, and the occasional wedding. But then Gwydion broke in and opened the jar, and now he's wreaking havoc all over Ooo."

"Wait, who's Gwydion?" Finn interrupted.

"A snail wizard," Ephermelda explained. "Magic Man, you know him."

"Is that the wizard I met in the village of Bright People? The one who shared his acorns with me once?"

"Yeah. Apparently he has a name."

"Well, good for him."

Jake was confused. "You keep him in a jar and he can't break out?"

"Of course not, it's locked from the outside."

"Oh. That makes sense."

"Anyway," said Ephermelda, turning back to Finn and Jake's ears. "Here's the thing about Louragan. He's not evil. He's a force of nature that has been programmed to destroy. And as a force of nature, he can't be destroyed. In ancient times he was somehow imprisoned in stone, but was freed due to some great cataclysm that happened over a millennium ago. Our fairy magic has its own way of trapping him up, but part of the spell is that his prison must be sealed by someone with the heart of a hero. Still beating in his chest," she added, glancing at Magic Man, who waved back at her. "Normally we groom heroes for decades before we need to release Louragan, so we weren't ready. The king was all, 'Hey, we don't have any heroes ready! What do we do?' And then I went, 'Hey, I know a hero! I'll go get him!' So I came to find you, Finn."

"This is where I came in," said Finn. "Okay. Now I've got to think of a plan."

"Don't think too hard," said Ephermelda. "Louragan reads minds."

"What? Why didn't you say that before?"

"The opportunity never presented itself. Sorry, I guess I shoulda. It's not a big deal, though. He's got no voice so he communicates telepathically, and to communicate that way he's got to be able to be on the mindwaves, you know, the same waves that your thoughts happen on."

Finn nodded. "Oh. Right on."

Ephermelda parted Jake at the seam and peeked out. "We're getting close. Get ready."

"You ready, Jake?"

"M-hm."

Finn pointed with his sword at Magic Man. "Don't you do anything. If you junk this mess up for us, I'll cut your head off."

Magic Man held up his hands innocently. "Hey, whoa, don't look at me. I'm just sitting here."

"And no escaping," Jake ordered.

Magic Man began whistling innocently.

Jake slowed down to a stop, and then slowly morphed back to his regular size. The goggles slipped off as his head changed shape. Finn and Magic Man hopped off onto the soggy ground.

The hurricane was powerful here. Rain splattered like bullets, soaking them all to the bone in an instant. The wind knocked Finn onto his butt, and it took a lot of his strength to brace himself against it. He stabbed his sword into the ground, used it to stand, and held tight.

Ephermelda glowed bright like a beacon, and she held tight to Jake's ears. "Ready, heroes?" Her voice was so tiny, she had to shout over the wind. Even Jake had a hard time hearing her.

Finn pulled his sword out of the ground and held it over his head. "Louragan! I am here to vanquish you!"

All four of them heard a voice, a low rumbling voice that didn't come from anywhere; rather, they only heard it in the mind. **How are you going to stab a hurricane, child?**

Finn scrunched up his face. "Well... I don't know."

**Step down and find shelter. Not everyone need be a casualty.**

"No way!" Finn charged blindly forward, sword held over his head. He cried a fierce battle cry, his magic dog at his side.

Magic Man traced a bubble around himself to shield from the rain. Let the heroic goody two-shoes get blown away. Magic Man would use this opportunity to split himself from Ephermelda and continue to Wish Mountain.

**You're leaving them behind?** This was only for Magic Man to hear. Louragan sounded surprised.

_Well, sure,_ Magic Man thought. _That kid's got a good head on his shoulders. Nauseatingly good. He'll be fine._

**And you're sure Margles wouldn't object?**

_No, it's not like-_"Hey," he said out loud. "Stop reading people's minds."

**It's not like I have a choice. I just hear, same as you hear spoken words.**

Magic Man saw a glint out of the corner of his eye. He turned, but it was gone. Something moved in the sky, and Magic Man saw it for a split second. A creature, made out of raindrops and shaped by the negative space around him, a shape like a humanoid, standing on the foothills. He had no defined edges and a face like a scream. Just that quick glance made Magic Man certain that this was Louragan.

"Finn!" Magic Man shouted. "He's skimming the clouds! Look for a rain bubble!"

Finn, hacking randomly at the rain around him, looked back at Magic Man. "Huh?"

"He's in the sky! Get your magic dog to stretch up and you can hack him!"

"I see him!" Ephermelda pointed as she yelled. "Boy, he moves fast!"

"I can't see anything." Finn looked up, shielding his eyes from the rain.

Magic Man, in a flashed blinked over to Finn and traced another protective bubble around Finn's head. "That should keep water out of your eyes- and it's no-stick, like Teflon!"

Finn gave him a strange look. "Uh, thanks." He looked up and scanned the clouds. "I think I can see him! Jake! Stretch me up there!"

"Can do!"

Magic Man stayed down and watched. He had left his own bubble behind when he teleported, so now he was cold and wet out in the rain. He couldn't see Louragan anymore, but Finn clearly could. Now his sword swings weren't random, but aimed directly. "He's good," Magic Man admitted. "He's pretty good hero biz."

The wind roared louder and the rain was blinding. A particularly strong gust knocked Magic Man onto his back. Yep, Finn definitely had found Louragan. Why else would he be cranking the storm to max power? He rolled over onto his stomach, covered his head, and held his breath.


	12. Magic Man Does the Unthinkable

Suddenly, everything was silent. Cautiously, Magic Man lifted his head. The storm was gone. The sky was still coated with storm clouds, but there was no more torrential rain, no gale force winds, and no rumbling thunder.

Nearby, Finn and Jake were also cautiously getting up. They must have been blown back down to the ground after Finn killed the storm. They, too, were expressing cautious optimism.

"I think you got him, dude," said Jake.

"Yeah," said Finn, lowering his sword. "I guess so." He didn't sound so sure.

Something was wrong, though. Maybe it was just the after-storm silence, no roaring wind in his ears but also no birdsong, no leaves rustling, no gentle sounds of nature. Just the dull roar of silence and-

_Come along with me_  
_To a town beside the sea_  
_We can wander through the forest_  
_And do so as we please..._

"We weren't supposed to kill him, though," said Finn.

"Ah, it'll be fine," said Jake.

"Yeah, I guess."

Finn and Jake started walking, casually heading in the general direction of the Candy Kingdom. Finn glanced over his shoulder. "You coming, Magic Man?"

"Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm coming." He jogged over to them and fell into step behind them.

Finn looked around. "Where's that fairy girl?" asked Finn. "What was her name?"

"Ephermelda."

"Yeah, Ephermelda. We should look for her. Make sure she's okay."

"Better not linger here."

Finn looked surprised. "Huh? But don't you want to see if she's okay?"

"She's fine," said Magic Man brusquely. Something was wrong with this place. It looked the same here, but the horizon looked all wrong. Like-

_Come along with me_  
_To a cliff under a tree._  
_Where we'll gaze upon the water_  
_As an everlasting dream_

Finn poked Magic Man in the side. "You okay man?"

Jake perked an ear up. "Hey, do you hear that?"

"You mean that weird engine sound?"

"Yeah."

It sounded like the storm was on the other side of-

_All of my affections_  
_I'll give them all to you-_

Magic Man thought he saw himself near the tree he was next to, but it shimmered out of existence.

_Maybe by next summer_  
_We won't have changed our tunes_

"Dude, I think something's wrong," said Finn. He stopped Magic Man stopped, too. According to their surroundings, they hadn't moved an-

_We'll still want to be_

Almost as if the outside world-

_In this town beside the sea_

was just a reflection-

_Making up new numbers_  
_And living so-_-

Magic Man saw beyond the veil

_-merrily!_

Yeah, the song didn't work. He knew Louragan knew he knew. So he had to act.

"Finn, stab that thing!" He fired his confetti straight into the magic wall of water that Louragan had made around them to reflect the eye of the storm. He'd set this up to ambush them!

Finn didn't need to be told to slay evil twice. He shrieked and lunged towards the watery figure Magic Man had exposed, running it through with his demon's blood sword.

Louragan released Ephermelda from his grasp. The illusion was completely shattered- now the storm was back, and thought it was weaker than before it was still a hurricane.

"The jar!" Ephermelda hollered.

"Oh, right!" Finn pulled the clay jar out of his pack.

Ephermelda darted over to him and tossed a bay leaf in. "To keep him fresh," she explained. "Now say the thing!"

"_L'orage est finit_!" Finn yelled.

Louragan's shriek echoed in the minds of them all as he was sucked, storm and all, into the bottom of the jar. The force of it knocked Finn flat on his back.

"Bam!" Jake slammed the cork into the jar, sealing it tight.

**Let me out! Let me out of here!** Louragan was seething.

"Way to go, Hero," said Ephermelda. She gave them both tiny hi-fives.

Jake helped Finn up. "Man, that was awesome!"

"Totally, right?"

Magic Man looked around. Everything looked right. Even the birds were starting to sing again.

* * *

Before they did anything else, they had to take Louragan back to the Fairy Kingdom. Ephermelda, naturally, led the way. Jake carried the jar in case Finn needed his sword right away. Magic Man walked quietly a few paces behind them all.

Louragan, however, was not going quietly.

"How far is it?" asked Finn.

"Only a few miles," replied Ephermelda.

**My imprisonment is unjust,** said Louragan.

"You hush," said Jake to the jar.

**You call yourself a hero? Policing nature as you do? Do you also arrest owls for murdering field mice, or forest fires for destruction of property?**

"You get out when you need to be out," said Ephermelda.

"Yeah," said Jake. "If Gwydion started a forest fire we'd put that out, too. Unless it was Flame Princess." Jake nudged Finn.

"Come on, man." Finn blushed.

**I don't ask something for nothing. I rewarded Gwydion nicely. I can give you, too, what you want the most.**

"Ignore him," said Ephermelda.

**You'll notice she didn't say I was lying. Did you, Princess?**

She frowned. "Well... no."

**Finn. I can tell you things.**

"What kind of things?"

**What happened to the humans, for starters. Your humans. Where the last ones are, if they're still alive. Why you were abandoned in a field.**

Finn stopped and swayed on the spot.

**Isn't that a fair trade, child?**

Finn shook his head vigorously and picked up step again. "No way, man. No way."

**Aren't you curious?**

"Yeah... but that would be selfish, and a hero isn't selfish."

**You're noble through and through, eh? Oh, well. I respect that.**

Jake shook the jar. "Hey, Stormy! Bet you don't know what I want more than anything!"

**A wooden box that magically produces a fresh, warm hot dog on the bun every time you open it.**

Jake's jaw dropped. "Whoa. You're good."

**If you want it, all you have to do is pull out the cork.**

"Nah. The hot dogs wouldn't taste as good if they were evil."

**Yes they would.**

"Not to me. Anyway, I know it exists. I wanna find it on an adventure."

**You know, this is why the fairies only send out heroes to recapture me, for the long walk back. Usually it's even further than this. And only the people with the noblest of hearts can resist when I read their minds and offer them their hearts desire.**

As Louragan spoke, Magic Man slowly became aware that this message, too, was only for him to hear.

_All of my affections_  
_I'll give them all to you_  
_I'll be here for you always_  
_And always be for you_

**That stupid song won't work,** said Louragan. **I've already seen everything I need to. I know what happened to you on Olympus Mons. I know what you did to the people of Mars. I know where you're journeying to, and I know what you're going to wish for.**

_Okay, so?_ Magic Man was firm. _Then you know there's only one thing I want, and I know for a fact that it's beyond your power to give me._

**That is true, I don't have that kind of power over life and death. Like most people, I only have the ability to kill, not restore life. But here's where it gets interesting- I also noticed that you haven't told anybody anything about this. You've kept it to yourself, and when directly asked you dodge the question in the most ridiculous manner.**

_I don't like where this is going._

**I'm just interested in seeing what you do next when I offer you this choice: Free me now, or listen to me tell everyone everything about you. How badly do you want to hide it?**

_Look, that's my biz, no need to go broadcasting it for all the world to hear!_

**Fine. Then just reach over and uncork this stupid jar.**

_Why bother? Finn'll just trap you again._

**Of course he won't. You think I won't go straight for the one who captured me? He'll be dead before he's even aware of what you've done.**

_Why would you tell everyone, anyway?_

**Only to satisfy my curiosity. I want to know why you keep everything to yourself, inside where it can eat away at you like poison.**

_As opposed to what?!_

**Sharing it with those you have a connection with like other creatures with the capacity to think and feel do.**

_What about you? Do you share stuff with people?_

**What have I to share? I'm just a storm.**

_Don't you get lonely, locked up in there for centuries at a time?_

**It's better in a jar in the temple than solidified in the ash from a volcanic eruption, where I was trapped before the Mushroom War freed me. But I don't have the capacity to feel loneliness, only to know what it is.**

_Maybe you used to be able to feel, a long time ago. Maybe you've just been isolated for so many millennia that you've forgotten how to connect with other people._

**It's a possibility.**

_One that you're going to entertain?_

**I suppose I have quite a while to think about it... goodness knows that's all I ever do.**

Louragan was silent after that. He didn't tell them a thing. This surprised Magic Man. He hadn't bothered to filter his thoughts in that mental conversation, and for once his impulsive nature didn't end up causing the misery of everyone and everything around him. Why, though, would Louragan say he was going to do something and then back down? Was he working some sort of angle? Or did Magic Man honestly give him something to think about?

"We're almost there," said Ephermelda. "Do you mind if I shrink all of you down? That way I can bring you into the kingdom proper."

"Sure," said Finn.

"I got it covered," said Jake, shrinking himself down to about half Ephermelda's height. The jar was big at his new size, but not unmanageable, especially because it was very light.

"Me, too," said Magic Man, and he shrank himself down to twice Jake's new height.

Ephermelda flew around Finn a few times, shedding some magic sparkles on him, and he slowly shrank down and down until he was to scale with the others. Ephermelda landed on the ground. The grasslands looked completely different from down here. Trees stretched up past the heavens, fallen logs became near insurmountable obstacles, and toadstools were stools for you instead of just toads.

"I'm gonna open the portal," said Ephermelda. "It sort of exists in a perpendicular universe."

"Perpendicular universe?" Finn repeated.

"Yeah."

"Don't you mean parallel?"

"I don't know, I'm not great at geometry." She closed her eyes, clapped her hands, and chanted: "Door, I command you to open! _Ouvrez la porte_!"

A shining yellow door stretched into existence in front of them. Ephermelda opened it, and they all stepped through into another world.

The Fairy Kingdom was different, all right. All of the grass and vegetation was pink instead of green, and the sky was goldenrod. The buildings were all dome-shaped and built right into the landscape. Nobody had to worry about building entrances on the ground and making everything flat when you could just flutter up. The centerpiece of it all was a giant cotton-candy-style castle, big enough from this perspective to rival any Finn had seen before. Behind that was a sandstone pyramid with the top hacked off and lying beside it.

"That's Daddy's castle," said Ephermelda, pointing to the cotton candy castle. "And that's the Sacred Temple of Storms. We keep Louragan there behind a series of deadly, deadly traps."

As they approached the castle, an older fairy man rushed out to meet them. This was presumably the King, as he wore an elegant golden crown with gems set all around it. He wore plate armor and had a great, brown beard flecked with the gray of age. His wings and aura were sky blue. "Ephermelda!" he greeted, and they hugged.

Then the King turned to see Finn, Jake, and Magic Man. "And are these the heroes you told me about?"

"Sort of," said Ephermelda. "This is Finn the Human and Jake the Dog. They came highly recommended by the other princesses, you know, and they got Louragan back no problem."

The King gestured to his well-armed fairy guards, who relieved Jake of the jar and set off for the temple.

"Well, our job is done," said Finn.

"Wait, please. Stay and we'll have a great banquet. We always have one when Louragan is returned safely. It's sort of a tradition."

"Can't," said Finn. He jerked his thumb to Magic Man. "Gotta get this jerk back to the Candy Kingdom."

"Yeah, I'm not going back." Magic Man said this very matter-of-factly.

Finn spun around and glared sharply at Magic Man. "You wanna say that again?"

"I'm not going back to the Candy Kingdom," he said. "I'm on a magical quest. So you should stay and enjoy the banquet."

"No way," said Finn. "I said I'd bring you back to the dungeon."

"You didn't, actually."

"Well it was implied."

"Look, man," said Magic Man. "I'm on a journey of self-discovery or something like that and trying to, like, make peace with my troubled past. Can't you respect that?"

Finn turned to Ephermelda. "Do something! Make him stay!"

Ephermelda shrugged. "I kinda want to go with him. It's fun."

Finn furrowed his brow.

"You can't really stop me," said Magic Man.

"I can try."

"Look." Magic Man got down on one knee and gestured for Finn to come closer. "I gotta do this, okay? I gotta set some things right what once went wrong. You're a hero, right? You understand?"

"Not really," said Finn cautiously.

Suddenly, he had a flash of memories: Magic Man making him a head bubble so he could see Louragan. Magic Man actually spotting Louragain in the sky for him. And again, stopping the ambush and showing Finn where to strike. Magic Man at the trial, though grinning and showing no remorse, also not saying anything to shift blame away from himself.

"Somethin's different about you," said Finn.

Magic Man looked straight into Finn's eyes, but didn't say anything.

"I guess... if anyone asks... we got separated in the storm." Finn frowned. "But that's not a heroic thing to do, letting a prisoner go."

"I'm sorry. Okay? About your friend. Jake. That wasn't cool of me, I know. I was wrong, and... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did it."

Finn putted his lips, and finally said, "Okay. Get outta my sight. And if I see you causing trouble again, there won't be no trial. I'm-a stab you with my sword, got it?"

"Right-o," said Magic Man. He disappeared before Finn could change his mind or even think about what he'd just done.

* * *

_As I posted the two chapters yesterday, Hurricane Sandy raged outside my window. I'd been having a hard time writing about the trial and Louragan. No sooner had I finally shoved through the trial part than an actual hurricane arrived and told me everything I needed to know about Louragan. I'm actually surprised I was able to post it, as at my apartment I always lose power at the slightest trouble. Like, someone drops his hat near the power line and it goes out. But I didn't lose power at all, so I had to post._

_Fun fact: In the very earliest version of the story, Ephermelda truly was a figment of Magic Man's imagination. The story would have gone in an incredibly different direction and, thought the other direction was interesting, I decided I would rather write it this way. The other way also involved him spending most of his time in the Candy Kingdom dungeon, trying to convince them he wasn't bad anymore while still trying not to __**be**__ bad anymore. But it's more fun to write about him traveling._

_Coming up soon we have Marceline, the Ice King again, Lemongrab (this story takes place before You Made Me!) and a few surprises, not necessarily in that order. But if there's there's still a chance for me to add anything you might want to see._


	13. Opening Up

After Finn and Jake left and Magic Man didn't reappear, Ephermelda and her father took a walk through the castle gardens. The gardens were always relaxing, tranquil, and peaceful, the perfect place to have a quiet family talk. The weeping willows shaded the cobblestone path that wound lazily between the bushes, along the creek, and right back to where it started.

"I'm glad you came back when you did," said the Fairy King. "You've been gone for quite a while."

"Yeah. I fell in with a bad crowd and got kidnapped by an evil wizard. Now I'm hanging around with a Magic Man."

"You see, I've got some exciting news for you."

Ephermelda rolled her head back. "Oh, here it comes."

"I've picked out a husband for you."

"He'd better not be a raging dork like the one you found for Mirabella."

"Oh, don't worry, he's not," the Fairy King assured her. "He's strong, handsome, brave, noble..."

"Uh huh. And what did he give to you?"

"A vending machine for the upstairs bathroom. Honey, you know we've been wanting one."

Ephermelda bit her lip. "Hm... wow. He sounds like a real keeper... so when do you want me to meet him?"

"As soon as he gets through with a quest he's on to redeem himself from the depths of his shame or despair or something like that, I wasn't listening. I was too busy installing the vending machine."

"Ah, a quest. I know all about those."

"I remember you were telling me about that," said the Fairy King. "Something about a magic man?"

They turned a bend and saw Magic Man kneeling by the bank of the garden's' river, poking at the hunter green water with a purple stick. He looked at them and waved. "Hi, Ephermelda. Your majesty." He nodded to the king.

"Speak of the devil," said Ephermelda. "Daddy, I don't think you've been properly introduced to my traveling companion. This is Magic Man. Magic Man, this is the King of the Fairies."

"Oberon?" Magic Man guessed.

"Alberich, actually," said the Fairy King. "Call me Rich." He held out his hand for a handshake. Magic Man just stared at it. Ephermelda picked up Magic Man's hand by the wrist and guided it in for the shake.

"He's a little weird," said Ephermelda.

"Well, I'm pleased to meet you," said the Fairy King. "Although, honestly, I was just telling Ephermelda about her upcoming wedding. Now that she's engaged, I'm not sure it's proper to be going off alone with another man. I mean, what will the subjects say? It's simply not done."

Magic Man let out a snort of surprise.

"Oh, Daddy, don't be silly!" Ephermelda said, laughing loudly and nervously. "We're on a quest to save his _girlfriend_. There's nothing improper about me helping a man save the woman he loves!"

Magic Man gaped at her. She winked back.

"Ah! Wonderful!" The Fairy King beamed. "A special lady of your own, eh? What's her name?"

Ephermelda opened her mouth, but Magic Man answered right away: "Margles."

"Margles?" The Fairy King repeated, a bit skeptical.

"Yeah." Magic Man hadn't said her name out loud to anyone else in two hundred years. "Her real name is Margolynne, but everyone's called her Margles for as long as I've known her. She's got red hair and white eyes, and she can short-sheet a bed in twelve seconds flat. And no, that's not innuendo. She's a pranking queen."

"She sounds like a real prize," said the Fairy King. "I can tell she means a lot to you, the way you're talking about her."

"Yeah," said Ephermelda. She nudged Magic Man. "And I don't wanna keep 'em apart, so we'd better hit the road. We lost a lot of time in the Candy Kingdom and with Louragan." With her pushing Magic Man's back, they started to walk out of the garden and away from the Fairy King. "Don't worry," she said as they backed away, "I'll be back to get married- and do not let Mirabella pick out my dress, she has terrible taste!"

"I won't," said the Fairy King, taking his daughter's cue gracefully.

"Bye!" Ephermelda waved, and they were on their way out of the Fairy Kingdom.

* * *

As soon as they stepped out of the portal and back into Ooo, Ephermelda let out a huge exaggerated sigh of relief. "Sorry I put you on the spot like that back there," she said. "I just had to get my dad off my tail, you know? He worries about me the most. I didn't mean to frazz you. I know you're not even into chicks. Hey, how did you come up with all that on the spot, anyway?"

As she spoke, Magic Man grew back to his usual size. "I have a well of experience to draw on." He glanced at her, eyebrow raised, before he started walking. "What makes you think I'm not into chicks?"

Ephermelda shrugged. "I just thought, you know, with the sparkles and the confetti, and the singsongy answers..."

"Well, I am," said Magic Man.

"Huh. Not even a little not?"

"Well, it's more of a continuum than a switch, but..."

"So, is Margles real?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

There was an awkward sort of silence for a while as they walked through the woods and out into a grassy field. Magic Man checked the sun against the time of day, and turned to head in a general southwest direction.

"Your dad's pretty cool," said Magic Man, a bit stiffly.

"Yeah?" Ephermelda sounded pleased. "Well, I guess he can be... I mean, if he's not _your_ dad, I mean... did your parents ever seem a little too clingy once you were grown up?"

Magic Man shrugged. "I dunno... I don't really remember them. They ascended when I was just a kid."

"Ascended?"

"Yeah. When a deity passes the torch, he can take his partner with him to the next plane of existence. Or something like that."

"Oh." Ephermelda said. Then: "Wait, _deity_?"

"Yeah. My dad was a Martian deity. My mom was an honorary deity by marriage, but she didn't have any of the perks or responsibilities that came with it, only an eternal connection to Dad."

Ephermelda was having trouble wrapping her brain around this. "So... you're a deity."

"Nope. Just my brother."

"Why not?!"

Magic Man swatted her away. "Jeeze, what are you getting so worked up about?"

"I'm sorry, but this is kind of a big thing I'm just now learning about you."

Magic Man shrugged. "Not really. It's my family, not me."

They came up to a pond, fed by river going over a short waterfall, where the field met the hills. Magic Man bent down and picked up a rock, which he tossed into the pond, unaided by any magic.

"Isn't your family a part of you?"

"I-uh-oh. I guess."

Ephermelda slowly nodded. "Oh, I see. Bad blood in the family, eh?"

"It's not really your business, though, is it?" This time he found a flat stone and tossed it sideways, trying to skip it across the water's surface. It didn't.

"I guess I'm just feeling gossipy," said Ephermelda.

Something crossed Magic Man's memory; just vague sounds and blurry images, but it made his stomach start to hurt. It was something he'd pressed far down and tried to forget, not just something he'd not taken care to remember. His brothers were choking on something. Three of them were coughing and hacking, unable to talk. But Glob- or was it Gob?- was looking up at him- they were all bent down, kneeling on the floor- and yelling- no, pleading. Pleading with him: "Why did you do this? Don't you know what will happen if you don't stop? Why don't you tell me what's going on with you? Why don't you tell anyone?" But he didn't tell him. He didn't say, because if he did, that would have made it real. So he just laughed, because whatever he had done, it was kind of funny.

He also heard Louragan, saying **I want to know why you keep everything to yourself, inside where it can eat away at you like poison.**

Who cares if talking about it made it real? Soon enough he would have it undone, and he wouldn't have to deal with it at all. So why not answer her questions? It might make him feel better.

"Anyway, my brother is the one who sent me here," Magic Man continued as if that was logically the next thing to follow his conversation with Ephermelda.

"Oh. Because you were too much of a nuisance on Mars?"

"Something like that. I made life miserable for them and it didn't jibe with their so-called utopian super society. Their loss."

"Wow. You must really hate your brother."

Magic Man sat down and pulled his mismatched boots off. "I guess I ought to," he said, dipping his toes in the water. "But mostly I guess I'm just mad that it can't be the way it used to be."

"Oh. You were close?"

Magic Man crossed his fingers. "Like this. I even have a song about it."

Ephermelda fluttered down to the ground behind him. "Can I hear it?"

"Only if I play it." He took his backpack off and rooted around in it until he found his old ukulele, cracked down the middle with all four strings snapped. "Magic," he said, and the instrument was fixed just like that. He plucked a few strings, tuned it to his liking, and then started to sing:

_When I was somewhat younger, I never had a hunger_  
_To see how many other people I could meet_  
_I never would concede, didn't think that I would ever need_  
_To forge friendships to make my life complete_  
_But there was one guy that I cared for_  
_Who always would be there for me_  
_My big brother, best friend forever_  
_Way back when he was cool we did lots of stuff together_  
_He used to sort of be all right_  
_We never really used to fight_  
_He shared his hopes, I shared my dreams..._  
_I miss him more than I realized, it seems_  
_And though he sent me far away_  
_I wish that he could stay_  
_My big brother, best friend forever._

Ephermelda listened politely, slowly nodding at the end. When Magic Man finished, he still held the ukulele in position. "Any requests?"

"Do you know Marceline's Fry Song?" asked Ephermelda.

Magic Man adjusted his fingers on the instrument's neck and played:

_Daddy, why did you leave me?_  
_You created me, so you don't wanna see me?_  
_Daddy, why did you make me_  
_If you're not gonna take me_  
_To get a burger and shakey-_

"That's not the song I was thinking of," said Ephermelda.

"Yeah, I like this one better," said Magic Man. He opened his bag and stuffed the ukulele back in, breaking it again in the process.

"You never did get along with other people, did you?" Ephermelda steered the conversation back on topic.

"Not quite to the extent you see now, but no, I was never that great at getting along with others."

"You're being very open all of a sudden," said Ephermelda. "Are you being honest?"

"Well, it's about time I started being honest with myself."

"I guess." She frowned. "But you're doing more than that. You're opening up to me."

"Yeah, but I'm not totally convinced this isn't just happening in my sick brain." Magic Man flicked the side of his head. "On account of how you're not real."

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Ephermelda frowned. "I was just messing with you."

"Yeah, but it really got me to thinking. See, I was under a lot of stress right before I met you, stress that opened up a lot of old wounds from the past. I got so mixed up in my head that it created someone to watch me from the outside, to act as a mediator to my behavior and stuff. That's where you came in."

"Okay... but you know that whole courtroom full of people saw me."

Magic Man waved his hand dismissively. "Sure, because I've already mentally re-written the events in my head. Just like that time I hit a bear upside the head with a shark and became king of the ocean." He smiled at that memory that he just now manufactured. "Yeah. That's nice."

Ephermelda laughed. "You are so weird, Magic Man."

There was no more talk of feelings. Magic Man didn't particularly like thinking about his brothers, or his past, or anything, but for some reason his stomach wasn't feeling upset anymore.

* * *

_I'm inventing a lot of backstory and structure for Magic Man to make this story work. If you're reading this from the future and there's been another Adventure Time episode that cancels all of this out, well, I hope you can still enjoy this on its own merits. I wasn't going to write it at first because the nature of the story kind of needs backstory, and they hadn't given Magic Man one so I didn't want to write something and have it turn out to be wrong. Then I remembered what the freaking point of fanfiction was, so I just made up some crap that seemed right. And you just read it!_

_Incidentally, yes, I did use a song from My Little Pony. It's because I really, really think it encapsulates what I'm going for in defining what Magic Man and Grob Gob Glob Grod's relationship used to be. And I wanted him to play an ukulele again._


	14. Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

In the past, all three of them had gotten along very well. Or, rather, all six of them. Grob Gob Glob Grod, Magic Man, and Margles. Grob Gob Glob Grod looked after their little brother. All they ever wanted was to see him happy. And Margles made Magic Man happy, happier than a brother ever could. Those two went off together, Magic Man casting those spells and delighting her with his magic and sometimes music, and Grob Gob Glob Grod knew they were happy. And sometimes, Magic Man and Margles would stay home and include Grob Gob Glob Grod in their activities.

Those days were special to Grob Gob Glob Grod, the days he spent with his little brother and the woman who would one day join their family. Grob Gob Glob Grod always suspected that was what their special outing was for that night Magic Man took Margles to Olympus Mons; to ask for her hand in marriage. They'd always talked about that place, Margles and Magic Man, how great it would be to see how high they could make it up the tallest mountain in the solar system. It was sort of their special thing, always talking about "what if, what if." When they finally set off to do it, it only made sense that the trip was meant to be special in more ways than one.

Grob Gob Glob Grod could clearly remember when Magic Man came back. He'd set off with Margles two days before, packed for a week-long trip. They weren't expecting them back for another five days when the door to the Martian home where Grob Gob Glob Grod lived and Magic Man squatted flew open and, lo and behold, there was Magic Man.

"Back so early?" Gob asked as they went to greet their brother by the door. They were very surprised to see their brother back so soon, especially in the state that he was in: alone, his clothes torn, his arms and knees cut and scabbed, palms sliced open, filthy, and missing all of the gear he had gone out with.

Magic Man waved a bleeding hand. "Yeah."

Grob Gob Glob Grod was drying their hands with a towel. "Oh, wow, what happened?" asked Glob as he handed to towel to Magic Man.

"What's going on?" Grob flipped their head around and looked at Magic Man. "Hey, what happened to you?"

"Why are you back so soon?" asked Grod.

"Where's Margles?"

Magic Man pushed past Grob Gob Glob Grod and headed to his room. Grob Gob Glob Grod followed. "Magic Man?"

"The trip ended early," said Magic Man lightly.

"Why?"

"Where's Margles?" Gob asked again.

"She's dead."

Grob Gob Glob Grod stopped and swayed on the spot. They felt like someone had hit them right in the gut, which had to have been only a thousandth of what Magic Man was feeling right now. "Dead- wait, what happened?" Grob Gob Glob Grod caught up.

"She fell."

Grob Gob Glob Grod grabbed Magic Man's shoulder. "Magic Man, wait. Talk to me."

Magic Man pulled his shoulder out of his brother's grip. "Don't touch me, lemon pants." He picked up his pace. "I have somewhere to be."

"Wait,_ lemon pant_s?"

Magic Man went into the basement where his room was and closed the door behind himself. Grob Gob Glob Grod stood on the other side, debating internally whether or not to open the door and follow him or give him the space he so clearly needed.

Grob Gob Glob Grod did give him space. He let Magic Man stew by himself for several days before he came out on his own time. When he did, he was completely different. Or, rather, he was exactly the same as he had always been, which is not something you should be after going through such a life-altering event. Worse than that, he was unreachable.

The more time that went by, the less certain Grob Gob Glob Grod was of what to do about it. So they allowed events to unfold in their own way. They let the events unfold as Magic Man steadily grew worse and worse, until he had gone from an obnoxious but lovable nuisance to a full-blown Martian plague. Then he was banished to Earth.

The people of Mars were out for blood. Magic Man must pay. It was Grob Gob Glob Grod's job to to make certain he did. But they could not ignore the thought that this was all happening because they'd failed their brother.

They remained on Mars, isolating themselves from the other people. For as long as they could they held off on going to retrieve the real Magic Man. Once again, they waited for the problem to sort itself out by doing nothing and allowing events to unfold.

* * *

Back in Ooo, Magic Man was half-listening to Ephermelda talking about her upcoming wedding. They were back on track for Wish Mountain, making up for lost time. And after reuniting with her father, Ephermelda seemed to be able to talk of nothing except the wedding and who her husband might be.

"I hope he's handsome," she said idly, twirling her finger around her antenna.

"M-hmm," said Magic Man.

"I don't want to sound shallow, you know, but most fairy men are just plain handsome, and I don't want to end up married to someone who turns out to be the only duck in a city of swans. I bet he's brave and noble, though. Going on a quest, I mean, now that's exciting. Probably he'll have a lot of interesting stories to tell. I'd hate to have a husband and nothing to talk about with him. Could you imagine if I married someone who was, I don't know, a vanilla old businessman? 'Ooh, hello Ephermelda, I have the most delightful stories to tell you about debits and credits. It all begins with the accounting ledger, you see...' booo-riiiing!" She tugged on Magic Man's sleeve. "Hey, am I boring you? Because I want to be boring you."

"I'm not really listening," he said, brushing his sleeve. "Does it look like rain to you?"

Ephermelda looked up and saw that the sky was dark and overcast, threatening the land below with a storm. "It does," she replied. "Think we should take up shelter?"

"I'm not gonna," said Magic Man. "You can do whatever."

And they didn't, at first. Soon, though, the sky got darker and more ominous. Still, the travelers weren't bothered until the first knife fell right in front of Magic Man, skimming his nose.

"Knife storm," said Ephermelda casually.

Magic Man looked downright insulted. "I thought I was the only one who could make it rain knives."

"Still wanna tough it out?"

Another knife fell straight down and embedded itself in Magic Man's shoulder. "... Nah."

Ephermelda squinted and scanned the horizon. "There's a cave." She pointed.

"Shall we run?"

"Let's."

Magic Man grabbed Ephermelda and stuffed her into his backpack, where she wouldn't be skewered by knives that were as big as she was. Then he took off running in the direction of the cave, the full force of the knife storm building behind them. They made it to shelter just in time, Magic Man only skidding to a halt once they were fully indoors. "That was a close one," said Magic Man, out of breath.

Ephermelda threw open the flap of Magic Man's bag and sucked in the musty cave air, then made awful heaving noises as she pulled herself out of the backpack. "Holy hex, man," she said through coughs. "How do you stand carrying this crepe around on your back! It's like a toxic waste mine in there! And it smells like moldy feet that died!"

"Hey, I don't complain about your ponytail," said Magic Man.

Ephermelda's hands flew up to her head. "What's the matter with my ponytail?" Then she noticed his shoulder. "Uh, Magic Man? You got a little something..." She brushed her own left shoulder.

"Here?" Magic Man brushed his right shoulder.

"No."

Magic Man brushed a different part of the same shoulder. "Did I get it?"

"No, your other shoulder."

"Oh. Here?"

"A little closer to the neck."

His hand brushed the knife.

"Yes! There!"

"Oh!" He pulled out the knife and let out a quick scream. Then: "Is it gone?"

"Uh... yeah." She waited for him to act. When he just stood there, she ventured to say, "Uh... are you gonna... I mean... are you okay?"

"Yeah, why? Hey, look!" He pointed. "There's a house in here!"

Ephermelda turned around to see. "Who builds a house in a cave?"

"I'm hungry," said Magic Man. "Maybe there's food inside."

"Yeah... or, um, a first aid kit?"

Magic Man ignored her and went up to the house. It had a nice back porch with some windows looking out. The windows were dark, indicating no one was home. Magic Man tried the door. It was locked. He flicked the doorknob and it melted into a puddle of brass-colored sludge. The door slowly swung open.

Magic Man switched on the lights. "Yoo hoo!" he sang. "Anyone home?" The door lead into a nice living room, cozy and lived-in but not messy. Whoever was living here seemed to have gone out.

"I don't think we should," said Ephermelda.

Magic Man waved his hand dismissively. "Ah, it'll be fine."

"Oh. Okay, then."

He wandered from the living room into the kitchen and made a beeline for the fridge. It was mostly empty, to his disappointment. The only food inside was an apple, a few cherries, and a pitcher of fruit punch. "Slim pickings," he said. Still, he took out the apple and started eating.

Ephermelda took a cherry. "Maybe whoever lives here went to get groceries," she suggested as she ate.

"If that's the case, they'll be gone for a while." Magic Man went back into the living room and flopped down on the red couch, putting his feet up on the table.

"Yeah, but we don't know when he or she left." Ephermelda sat on the back of the couch next to Magic Man.

"So? We still got time. No one can bring groceries home in a knife storm."

"I guess." She kicked her feet and nudged his shoulder with her toes. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

Magic Man was so hungry he ate the whole apple, core, stem, and all. He also finished off Ephermelda's cherry pit and stem, after he asked, "Are you gonna eat that?" and got only a strange look in response. Then he settled back, folded his hands over his stomach, and tipped his hat down over his eyes.

"Don't go to sleep," Ephermelda warned.

"I won't," he said, and then he clearly did.

It was quiet for a while, but eventually the sound of someone approaching came floating through the cave. Ephermelda nudged Magic Man's head. "Magic Man? Magic-"

He was standing up in an instant. "You be the bulb," he hissed as he grabbed Ephermelda. Then he dove into a corner and transformed into a floor lamp, holding her in the socket. Her fairy glow looked like a night light setting.

Many seconds passed before the door opened. In floated Marceline the Vampire Queen, her bass guitar strapped across her back. She looked as if she'd had no trouble traveling through the knife storm. She looked around, seeing all the lights that Magic Man and Ephermelda had turned on. "Hello?" she called suspiciously. Then she bent over and inspected the melted doorknob. "That's funny..."

Lamp Magic Man snickered.

"Magic Man!" Ephermelda warned under her breath.

"What?" Magic Man whispered back defensively. "It is funny."

Marceline looked around. "Who's there? Finn? Jake? Are you guys in my closet again?"

When she got no answer, Marceline floated into the kitchen. Magic Man heard the fridge door open, and then slam shut. "Who ate my dinner!" she shouted. Then she stormed back into the living room, her body twisted into the shape of an angry wolf.

She sniffed the air, then began sniffing around the room. Vampires have an incredibly good sense of smell, and wolves doubly so, so it didn't take her long to isolate the scent of a stranger going from the back door to the fridge, then to the couch.

"Who's in here?" she snarled, following the scent over to the lamp. By then she had slowly eased back into her normal form, and by the time she was facing the unfamiliar lamp she had no more trace of wolf on her. "I don't remember this lamp," she said.

Ephermelda gulped.

"Wazoo," Magic Man whispered.

The lights in the kitchen exploded. Marceline swung her head around. "What the-?"

Magic Man transformed back into himself, then in an instant he melted into the wall. Ephermelda flitted quickly into the skull hanging on the wall, which was dark enough to swallow her faint glow. Marceline saw the movement out of the corner of her eye, but she didn't see where it came from or where it was heading.

She turned back around to the strange lamp, only to find that the lamp was gone "Whoever's in here better come out," Marceline warned. She went back to the couch, bent over, and looked under.

Magic Man's hand reached out of the wall and pointed at the couch. When Marceline reached her hand under, she felt something strange. Then she pulled out a huge handful of garlic. "Ew!" she yelped as it burned her hand.

From in the skull, Ephermelda caught Magic Man's eye as best she could when he was a wall. She gave a slight shake of the head. Magic Man snickered.

Marceline searched all up and down the house, but she saw neither hide nor hair of an intruder. Magic Man played no more tricks on her while she looked, so by the time she had finished inspecting every nook and cranny, she was beginning to think that whatever it was had gone. Confused and annoyed, she flopped down over the couch.

She floated quietly for a moment gathering herself, then her stomach growled. She rubbed her stomach and frowned. "Guess I'll have to eat what I can find," she said, a hint of disappointment in her voice. She turned over and puckered her lips out to suck the couch dry.

"Magic!" Magic Man's voice was nearly silent, yet full of perk as he flung his spell across the room.

Marceline sipped the couch, then started hacking and spitting. "Argh! _Yuck_!" she cried, brushing off her tongue. "What?" She examined the couch up and down. It was now blue all over.

"Who's doing this?" Her shout was loud enough to allow Magic Man the luxury of a snicker.

Receiving no answer, she looked up to the red curtains and began to feed. Magic Man flicked another spell and the curtains turned green. "Bleck! Ptoo! Ptoo!" Marceline recoiled in disgust.

Marceline glanced into the kitchen at her appliances. Then she slowly looked around the living room before floating into the kitchen.

Magic Man couldn't see anything in the kitchen from his spot in the wall, and color-changing spells don't work if you don't have a line of sight to what you want to change the color of. Oh so quietly, he stepped out of the wall and tiptoed over to the doorway.

"a-HA!" Quick as a flash, Marceline lunged at Magic Man and slammed him against the wall. "What are you doing in my house?" she demanded.

"Taking shelter from the knife storm, don't kill me!" Magic Man squawked out in surprise.

"You're the one who ate my dinner!"

"I was hungry!" Magic Man said quickly. "I figured you were getting groceries! I didn't think you were depending on that jazz!"

Marceline gritted her teeth. "Then why did you change the color of my furniture while I was eating?"

"I didn't!"

Marceline shoved her knee into the pit of Magic Man's stomach and pinched the nerves at the base of his neck. "_Why _did you change the _color _of my _furniture_?" she demanded again.

"Ahh! Ahh! Ow! Ow! Okay! Okay! I thought it was funny! I'm sorry! Don't kill me!"

"Because of _you,_ I have no dinner!" Marceline said menacingly. Her eyes darted down to his neck, and she slowly smiled.

Magic Man followed her gaze and gulped. "Uh, look, I already have a parasite sucking out my juice. I don't need one sucking out my blood." He moved his hands to push her away.

Marceline grabbed his wrists and slammed his arms against the wall and grinded her knee deeper into his gut. "It's only fair," she said, then let out a sinister laugh.

"Are you gonna kill me, or just turn me into your vampire slave?"

She bared her fangs and slowly brought her mouth to the base of his neck. Magic Man squeezed his eyes shut.

"Chomp!" she said the actual word. "Slurp!" Magic Man felt something cold on his shoulder. "All done."

Marceline released him all at once. Magic Man fell forward onto his hands and knees. His hand went up to his neck, feeling it up and down for the bite marks. When he didn't find them, he dared to look. The blood on his shoulder was now white. It was still dried and clotted where the knife had cut him, only now colorless.

Marceline was laughing differently now, very amused. "You should have seen your face!" she cried gleefully.

Magic Man rubbed his neck and shoulder. "Not funny," he said, pouting.

"Hey, a trick for a trick," said Marceline. "Now we're even." She picked up her guitar and used it to point towards the door. "Now get lost. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. Go on." Magic Man pulled himself to his feet and shuffled out of the house, metaphorical tail between his legs. "Yeah, you better shuffle," Marceline called after him.

Ephermelda fluttered out of the skull and over to Marceline. "You have a lovely home," she said politely with a curtsey. Then she flew out after Magic Man.

* * *

_Hi everybody, it's me again, the italic text! Today that I'm posting this Magic Man made his third appearance in the show. Although I'm glad that it didn't spoil this fanfic this time, I am a little disappointed that there wasn't a little more of him. Though how cute was he popping out of the hole like a li'l ol' prairie dog? And how creepy was that, "I'm not coming back."? I hope he was referring to the events in the episode and not talking directly the the fourth wall!_

_But back to business: I'm getting close to the Point of No Return. I have a few more travels to work in before then, and if you have a request it's now or never. Let me know if there's somewhere you want to see Magic Man end up. I'll let you know when we hit the Point of No Return. I believe we have Ice King x2, Lemongrab, and Duke of Nuts in upcoming chapters._

_Let me know what you think of the story. Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated, as will constructive criticism. Don't forget, you don't need an account to review me!_


	15. The Duke is Nuts

Magic Man and Ephermelda stood by the mouth of the cave, waiting for the storm to let up. Neither of them had spoken in nearly an hour. Ephermelda was no longer babbling endlessly about her wedding. Magic Man leaned against the wall of the cave, hands tucked into his pockets which, like his backpack, were filled with crud. The sound of the knives falling kept the silence from feeling suffocating.

After a while, Magic Man felt a light tap on his shoulder. He turned around and found himself face-to-face with his sub-conscious, who was looking very disappointed in Magic Man.

"So," said his sub-conscious. "What happened to you wanting to be a better person?"

Magic Man shrugged.

"Mind if I speculate out loud?"

Magic Man shrugged again.

"Okay. So you've been spending a few hundred years trying to teach everyone what a jerk you are. But old habits are hard to break. Besides, just because you know what you want to be doesn't mean you know how to become it. Knowing what not to do doesn't mean you know what you ought to do. And when you don't have a clear goal, it's far too easy to just fall back into your old habits. Does that sound like I'm in the ballpark?"

"Eh."

"You know what you need?"

"A six-inch sub sandwich on whole-wheat bread."

"No, a conscience."

Ephermelda looked at Magic Man. "Who are you talking to?"

"My subconscious," replied Magic Man.

"Oh. What's he saying?"

"That I need a conscience. I think I have one of those back at my trash palace."

"How about an _external_ conscience?" Ephermelda suggested. "A shoulder angel."

"If I have a shoulder angel, don't I get a shoulder devil too?"

Ephermelda elbowed him. "You're your own shoulder devil."

"Okay, I guess that's fair." Magic Man nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, sure. You can be my conscience. Just so long as you don't harsh my style. But we're still going to Wish Mountain," he added, pointing at her.

"Of course we are," said Ephermelda. "I got a wish of my own to make." Then she slammed her fist into her palm. "Oh! I know! I'll take you to meet the nicest person in the world!"

"Do I have to?"

"If you don't I'll fly out into the knife storm."

"Wow." Magic Man smirked. "You're crazy."

"Nah." She waved her hand dismissively. "I just don't think things through."

Magic Man laughed. "Yeah, been there. Okay. I'll do whatever. Just so long as it's on the way."

Ephermelda reached her hand out of the cave. "Looks like the knife storm's letting up," she said. "Now, close your eyes. I want this to be a surprise."

"How can I go where we're going if my eyes are closed?"

"Close your eyes. I bet you can still see my glow."

Magic Man closed his eyes. "Hey, yeah, I can!"

"Great. Now follow me."

* * *

After a heck of a lot of walking and tripping over things, Ephermelda finally said, "Okay, Magic Man, you can open your eyes!"

When Magic Man opened his eyes, he was facing a moderate white castle surrounded by a moat-less trench. Nut trees grew all around, producing nuts and providing a resting place for birds that were also made of nuts.

Magic Man groaned and rolled his eyes. "Oh, great. The Duchy of Nuts?"

"You've been here before?"

"I _hate_ the Duke of Nuts," Magic Man muttered.

Ephermelda tweaked his nose. "You and Princess Bubblegum both." She jerked her head. "Come on. They're expecting us."

"Wait, when did you tell them we were coming?"

"Oh, I didn't," said Ephermelda as they headed to the front door. "But the Duke of Nuts always knows when someone is coming to ask him for help. He's a really great guy. Okay." They stopped at the door. "Now, knock on the door."

Magic Man obeyed. In a moment, the door was answered by Lisby the Cashew Butler. "Yeeees? Duke and Duchess of Nuts residence!"

"Hello," said Ephermelda. "I'm Ephermelda from the Fairy Kingdom, and this is-"

Magic Man spread his arms out and sang, "Magic Maaaaaan!"

"We're here to see the Duke of Nuts," finished Ephermelda.

From inside the castle, the Duke called, "Lisby, who's at the door?"

"Princess Ephermelda and Magic Man," Lisby responded. "Shall I let them in?"

"Oh, yes!" the Duke responded enthusiastically.

Lisby stepped aside and ushered in the two visitors. The Duke's nut castle was very clean and uncluttered, but because it was on the smaller side and made of such dark brown tones, it felt very claustrophobic. Magic Man didn't like it at all.

The Duke of Nuts came to greet Magic Man in the entryway. He shook Magic Man's hand eagerly with both of his. "Oh, Magic Man, it's been too long. I'm so happy to have you in my castle. Why, I haven't seen you since that time you shelled my head. How have you been?"

"Wow," said Ephermelda. "He really is a nice guy."

"Now, I understand you have something you want me to help you with," said the Duke of Nuts.

"Yeah," said Magic Man. "I'm trying not to suck so much."

"Oh, well, you've come to the right place. I can teach you how to not suck at all."

"I seriously doubt that."

The Duke of Nuts ignored that remark. "Come. Let's take a walk through the Nut Forest and I can tell you about all of the ways you can be nice."

"I can't wait," said Magic Man icily.

"Come with me." The Duke of Nuts turned to Ephermelda. "If you don't mind I'd like to meet with Magic Man in private. I hope that this doesn't offend you, because it's not that I'm asking you away because I don't enjoy your company."

Ephermelda had the nastiest grin on her face. She addressed the Duke of Nuts but faced Magic Man as she said, "Oh, no, I completely understand. Have fuuuun, you two!" And she waved as the Duke ushered Magic Man out the back door of his castle into the Nut Forest. Magic Man looked helplessly back at her.

* * *

In all his travels, Magic Man had never been to the Nut Forest, or even any part of the Duchy of Nuts. The Duke of Nuts had a reputation over all of Ooo for being sickeningly good-natured and amiable (except in the Candy Kingdom where he was generally seen as a villain, but that interpretation held only because the people there put more stock in Princess Bubblegum's word than anything else.) One time Magic Man had played a particularly nasty trick on the Duke of Nuts when he was returning from the Candy Kingdom one night. It seemed like an especially good time to play such a trick, because the Duke of Nuts already looked particularly sad and ashamed. But he hadn't even been rattled by it; you would think Magic Man had done him a favor with what he did, the way the Duke responded.

Since then, the Duke of Nuts had righted himself somehow, Magic Man wasn't particularly interested in how. Now he seemed to bear no ill will against Magic Man, or even have any clear recollection of their last meeting save for the fact that it happened. As they walked through the forest, the Duke of Nuts smiled warmly as he spoke to Magic Man. "So, you've come to see me for help. How can I help you?"

Magic Man swallowed a particularly nasty lump of disgust and said, "I need to stop being a jerk all the time."

"Well," said the Duke of Nuts, still pleasant, "I don't know much about being a jerk, but I do know quite a bit about not being a jerk. I'd be happy to teach you everything I know.

Yeesh. Even his voice made Magic Man want to punch him.

"If ever a contrary thought crosses my mind," the Duke continued, "all I need do is to imagine how hurt the person would be if they knew what I was thinking, or, Glob forbid, if I ever acted on those thoughts."

"See, that's what encourages me to react the way I already do," said Magic Man.

The Duke of Nuts looked sympathetic. "You've been hurt before, haven't you?"

"This is getting a little personal," Magic Man said defensively. He grabbed a branch as they passed it, stripping the leaves off as he pulled on it.

"I'm sorry." The Duke of Nuts didn't pull his punches. "So why do you want to change now?"

"... it's for a girl."

"And do you keep her in your heart and mind when you do things?"

"I try, but I forget sometimes."

The Duke of Nuts gave Magic Man an encouraging smile. "Hey, now, that's okay. We all slip up sometimes. It's a part of life. Don't think that just because you make a mistake here and there, you're automatically a failure."

"Huh." Magic Man hadn't thought about that.

"But don't use the fact that you're bound to make a mistake as an excuse to behave poorly on purpose," the Duke added. "Intentions matter. It's a fine balance to keep, but if you really try, I don't doubt that you can keep it. Whenever you mess up, you just think of that girl and smile and say, 'Next time I'll do better. For her.'"

"For Margles," said Magic Man.

"For Margles." The Duke of Nuts gave Magic Man a congratulatory punch on the arm. "That's the way."

* * *

Ephermelda stayed inside with the Duchess of Nuts while Magic Man and the Duke talked. The Duchess sat in her large nut chair by the fire, eyes wide and staring, stroking a walnut kitty absentmindedly. Ephermelda was stuffing her face with some nuts in a bowl nearby.

"So," Ephermelda said, mouth full, "are these, like, nuts for eating? Do you guys eat nuts that aren't sentient? Or am I, like, committing mass murder?"

"Those nuts don't talk to anyone but me." The Duchess spoke with an eerie pitch. "Everyone else tells me that the little nuts aren't alive, but I know better."

"Cool." Ephermelda popped another nut into her mouth. "So are they, like, screaming in pain or begging for mercy or something?"

"No," said the Duchess. "They are accepting of their fate."

Ephermelda tossed another nut into her mouth. "Ha! Better send that one to join his family."

The back door of the castle opened, and Magic Man and the Duke of Nuts entered, continuing their conversation from outside. "Just keep her in mind, even if you make a mistake, and you'll be fine," the Duke was saying.

Magic Man grabbed a handful of nuts from Ephermelda's bowl and funneled them down his throat. "Thanks, nut-man." He shot some magic sparks out in the general direction of the rest of the castle. "I refilled your pudding pantry. Now we're even." He grabbed Ephermelda and headed to the front door.

"Thank you!" The Duke of Nuts was elated.

"Eat it!" Magic Man called back, matching the Duke's excitement mockingly, and then he was out of the castle.

* * *

Ephermelda waited until the castle was out of sight before she turned to Magic Man, grinning, and said, "Well?"

Magic Man was walking as fast as he could, taking strides as wide as possible. "Well what?" he said brusquely, eyes forward.

"What did you think?"

"I would rather eat nothing but rusty nails for the rest of my life than be like that guy or even talk to him again."

"Yeah... but you were with him for a good half-hour."

"And we will never speak of it again."

"You didn't do anything to him," Ephermelda pointed out.

Magic Man looked curiously at her.

"You didn't try and put him in his place. You didn't turn him into anything or even punch him."

A smile slowly returned to Magic Man's face.

"So now you know."

"I _can_ be better," Magic Man said happily.

"If you can do that, you can do anything."

Of course, even Margles would have wanted to punch the Duke. But the point was taken: Magic Man had an impossible goal set for himself and he achieved it. And by this point, he was no longer even noticing that his stomach didn't feel like it was full of spoiled milk every time he thought of Margles.


	16. Lemon Candy

Magic Man and Ephermelda moved through the land of Ooo quicker now. Magic Man was beginning to feel strangely desperate, as if he were running out of time. With every step his mind resolved: "Margles. I've almost got her back." Yet every step also brought him the feeling of a closing door, one that would shut itself forever if he didn't make it there very soon. That thought gave him a desperate, vaguely panicky feeling that he could not get rid of. Somehow, thinking about his goal made him feel even more unsettled inside.

That frightened him.

So anyway, Magic Man was walking along, minding his own depressing business, when all of a sudden the ground decided to be a jerk and drop out from under him. "AAAAAH!"

Thud!

Magic Man sat up and rubbed his backside. He seemed to have fallen into a twelve-foot pit, clearly a man-made trap that had been designed with smooth, unscalable walls and covered with brush so as to better trap unsuspecting wildlife.

Ephermelda was kneeling on the ground by the edge. "Watch out," she said lamely.

Magic Man stood up and floated a few inches off the ground. "Can you throw me a vine or a branch or something?"

"Why can't you just float up?"

"This is as high as I go," Magic Man replied.

"I'll look for one," said Ephermelda. "Why don't you push your back against one side and your legs against the other and see if you can climb up?"

"Uh, yeah, I'll do that as soon as there's no other options."

Ephermelda disappeared from sight. Magic Man waited a minute until she said, "Okay, I'll see what I can do."

As soon as she was gone, Magic Man braced his back against the wall behind him and put first one foot, then the other on the wall across from him. It took a lot of leg strength just to keep himself suspended, and he had to put his feet back down. Back against the wall, he slid slowly down until he was sitting on the ground, then he crossed his legs.

The sun moved high overhead, erasing any shadow cast into his little hole, and then it started to sink, bringing them back. Magic Man watched the shadow of the lip of the hole crawl slowly along the wall as he waited. When the shadow was covering nearly all of the hole, a rope finally lowered down and dangled in front of Magic Man's face. "Finally," he said. He grabbed and tugged, testing it's resolve, and it held fast. That was enough for Magic Man; he prepared to climb up the rope, hand over hand, feet braced against the wall, just like it was part of a mountain. However, as soon as he had his weight on the rope, though, it started pulling him up.

At this point Magic Man realized it probably wasn't tiny little Ephermelda on the other end. She could secure it, sure, but pull it? No way. He didn't really think about or care who it could be, as long as it was getting him out. He was surprised, then, when he came face to face with an angry lemon man, glaring at him from atop a lemon camel. The rope was tied to the camel's saddle.

Right away, Lemongrab began shrieking. "TRESPASSING... IS... UNACCEPTABLE!" He jumped off the camel and grabbed the rope.

Magic Man rubbed an ear. "Okay, ow." He'd heard all about crazy Lemongrab, shut up all by himself in Lemon Castle. Never getting along with anybody, just screaming at everyone around him or, when he was alone, at himself. His short stint as Earl of the Candy Kingdom had ended in failure. Now he was the Earl of nothing.

Lemongrab snared Magic Man in the very rope he'd used to free him. Magic Man could have fought back, probably even free himself from the crazy loud lemon man, but he felt compelled to stick with Lemongrab and see what his deal was.

"TRESPASSER!" Lemongrab shouted. His voice was clunky and awkward, like reading all caps in an otherwise well-formatted document. "ENEMY OF THE LEMON EARLDOM! RECONDITIONING! TWELVE YEARS DUNGEON!"

"Hey, calm down," Magic Man said. "I'm not trespassing."

"YOU ARE ON LEMON TERRITORY! I HAVEN'T GIVEN PERMISSION!" Lemongrab was wringing his hands, completely unhinged by such a small change in routine.

"Calm down, Lemonspaz. I'm not a trespasser. I'm a tourist."

Lemongrab didn't change his tone. "TOURIST?"

"That's right. I've traveled here all the way from the Garbage Kingdom. I want to see all the sights of your lemon kingdom, maybe inject some money into the local economy."

"Yes," Lemongrab said, a bit calmer before working himself up again. "We have a thriving tourism industry. You will visit! YOU WILL VISIT!"

"Ow." Magic Man winced. "What's your main export? Volume?"

Lemongrab jumped onto his camel and started off to Castle Lemongrab, dragging Magic Man behind him. Magic Man floated a few inches off the ground to avoid any dragging damage, as Lemongrab certainly wasn't looking out for him. It wasn't that far to the precarious path to Castle Lemongrab, and just as not far up the path to the front gate.

"THIS IS CASTLE LEMONGRAB," said Lemongrab.

"Nice sight." Magic Man pretend to be interested.

"THIS IS GATE!" Lemongrab pointed to the gate.

Magic Man nodded.

Lemongrab opened the gate and showed Magic Man the grounds- a grim, lemon-colored landscape empty except for a few rocks and dead bushes. Magic Man let out a low whistle. "Bleak."

"No one else lives in Castle Lemongrab!" When Lemongrab started that sentence, it was his normal strained yelling. However, the further into the sentence he got, the more agitated his voice grew. "THERE IS NO ONE ELSE!" Then he raised a finger and pointed right in Magic Man's face. "Now you are here! YOU WILL LIVE IN CASTLE LEMONGRAB!"

"Hey, whoa. Let's not go nuts."

"NOT NUTS! LEMONS!"

"I'm just visiting," Magi Man explained patiently. "I can't move here permanently. I'm a tourist, not a citizen."

"MMMMMMMMMMNYOU ARE NOW A CITIZEN! I HAVE DECIDED!" Lemongrab screamed.

"What is wrong with you?!"

This set Lemongrab off even worse. "I AM LEMON! I AM AS THE PRINCESS MADE ME! **YOU** ARE THE ONE WHO IS WRONG WITH!"

"... What does that even mean?!"

"MMMNFIFTY YEARS DUNGEON! NO TRIAL!"

Quick as a hawk, Lemongrab dragged Magic Man inside the castle to the lemon dungeon and locked him in tight. As Lemongrab stalked off, Magic Man looked through the barred window on the door and called, "Can't I talk to the embassy about this?" But Lemongrab was gone.

Magic Man turned around and slid down to the ground until just his head was propped up on the door. "It's déjà vu all over again," he grumbled.

"Wow! Fancy meeting you here!"

Magic Man looked up and saw Ephermelda flying in through the window between the bars. "Hey, Eph. How'd you know where to find me?"

"I can sense when you're about to cry," she explained. "It's like a mother-daughter thing."

"I'm not about to cry," said Magic Man. "I'm just feeling kind of bummed."

"Oh?" She fluttered down and landed on his stomach.

Magic Man jerked his thumb to the door. "Yeah. It's about that Lemongrab. It must suck big-time to be shut up all alone here. It stinks when no one 'gets' you, and when no matter what you do, it's wrong."

"You would know?"

"Yeah. I would know." He sighed and putted his lips. Then he straightened up, pushing into a stand against the door.

Ephermelda jumped back and hung in the air. "What are you doing?"

"Taking advice from the hallucination of a loved one."

"Sounds solid."

Magic Man magicked the door open and floated noiselessly down the hall. He found Lemongrab standing in a room, empty save for a bare hanging bulb and a baseball glove on a pedestal. Lemongrab stood, hands behind his back, staring at an unremarkable spot on the wall.

"Wazoo," Magic Man whispered as he wiggled his fingers.

Lemongrab wiped his nose. "Hmn?" He seemed to have heard them, but wasn't very curious about the noise.

Magic Man slipped away.

"What did you do?" Ephermelda whispered.

"Plague of shadows," Magic Man whispered back. "With a twist."

Back in the room, Lemongrab noticed something odd. His shadow was twisting and writhing as it grew out of the wall and into a three-dimensional shadow-being. Lemongrab's expression didn't change. "Hmn?"

"You are Lemongrab," said the shadow in a voice exactly like Lemongrab's.

"Yes."

"I am Shadowgrab."

"Yes," agreed Lemongrab.

Shadowgrab lasted for four days before he faded. In that time, Lemongrab got used to having company, and missed it when it was gone. Shortly after, he began traveling to the Candy Kingdom at night.

* * *

Grob Gob Glob Grod couldn't wait any longer. The tension on mars had reached critical mass. It could no longer be brushed aside. They had to go to Earth to retrieve their brother.

Mentally preparing for the trip was agonizing. Last time they'd held onto hope for as long as they could, that they would find something other than the Magic Man they'd banished. They appeared stern and firm, to hide their heartbreak at what they'd found.

As a deity and temporary King of Mars, their duty to their people was even stronger than their duty to their brother. They'd already failed their brother; they couldn't add failure to their people on top of that. It would be too much to bear.

Still, when they gripped the handles of the Martian Transporter, it was their memories of Magic Man that powered it.


	17. There it Is

"There it is."

Magic Man and Ephermelda stood on the bank of the ocean. It was not a sandy beach, but rather a rough, rocky edge running up and down this part of Ooo. Out there, on the horizon, through the early morning fog, they could just barely make out the faint outline of a cliff. Wish Mountain.

"How are we gonna get there?" Ephermelda wondered out loud.

Magic Man looked around. Then he reached down and began to peel up the ground like a sticker until he had a big, flat square of ground. He folded it over, and then folded it again and again until he had made a canoe. "With this," he said."

Ephermelda applauded.

Magic Man gently set the canoe in the water. When he saw that it was going to float, he climbed in and shoved off. The tide carried his boat away from the shore and into the ocean. With a little magic propulsion and rudderwork the boat worked just fine, sailing smoothly. They were on their way to Wish Mountain. Though the sky was threatening to rain and the wind was picking up, Magic Man stayed the course. The water began to get choppy, rocking the boat. He didn't seem to notice.

Ephermelda sat on the bow of the boat, facing the mountain. The peak was covered by the thick fog, hiding its true height from the voyagers. The domain of the Wish God was concealed by the fog. She wondered how high it was to the top. She could also tell that Magic Man wasn't even thinking about that. It didn't matter how high it was, he was still going to climb it. She could sense that determination. Though the ride seemed long, they were both very quiet. Neither of them had anything to say. A sense of urgency hung in the air all around them. Even though Ephermelda didn't have anything important at stake, she felt the tension radiating from Magic Man that had been steadily growing ever since she met him.

Halfway to the mountain, the tentacle of a Giant Angry Squid shot out of the water and grabbed the odd canoe. Right away Magic Man began beating it with magically oversized fists. "Don't you dare!" he shrieked. "I'm so close!"

Sheepishly, the tentacle retreated. Magic Man sat back and huffed. "I am in no mood for more adventure obstacles."

Ephermelda scooted away from him. "Ooooo-kay..."

Closer and closer the boat drew to the island until it finally hit the other shore. Magic Man craned his neck up. He still couldn't see his goal, but that didn't sway him. Nor did the flat, rocky cliff wall in front of him.

"Pretty precarious," said Ephermelda.

Magic Man squared his shoulders, put his hands on the rocks, and began to climb. He had no cords, no biners, no harness, no gear of any sort, but that didn't stop him. His hands held tight to the rocks, his toes finding every foothold he could.

_"Wow, you're really good at this," Margles observed._

The memory came all too fast, and Magic Man couldn't stop it. This time, though, he knew he couldn't let go and fall.

_Magic Man glanced down at her from the cliff wall. "I practice," he said with a cocky tone. "Not to mention I've got magic on my side."_

_"I wish I could climb like that," said Margles. "Or at all. I don't have to shimmy so perfectly, I'd just like to see what it's like up there."_

_Magic Man repelled back down. "I could teach you," he offered._

_She smiled. "I would love that."_

_"You've got the build for it." Magic Man squeezed Margles' arm affectionately. "You could shimmy. You could shimmy like a lightning noodle."_

_"Whatever that is."_

_"It's exactly what it sounds like," Magic Man said defensively._

_"Why do you like climbing so much?"_

_"Because I like being on top of the world."_

_"Wow, what a surprise."_

_"I'm gonna climb the tallest mountain in the solar system someday." He pointed out at the horizon. Even at this distance, they could see the shape of Olympus Mons on the horizon._

_Margles wrapped her arms around Magic Man. "Then I'll come with you."_

_"If that's the case, we'll have to start training right away. It'll be a while before you're ready to tackle that project."_

_"It'll be even more time we have to spend together... you better not get sick of me, though!"_

_"Don't be silly, Margles." Magic Man elbowed her. "I'm already sick of you!"_

_"That's a lie," said Margles._

_"That is a lie."_

_"You could never get sick of me."_

_"Well, let's get you some climbing gear and find out."_

Magic Man's hand found the top of the mountain. His arms were exhausted, but he managed to pull himself onto the plateau. Then he rolled over onto his back and lay there, motionless. He waited until his breath came back and he could move his arms again.

Ephermelda, who was not tired at all from the trip, sat on a nearby rock watching over him.

Magic Man saw her as he stood up. "So... what happens now?"

Ephermelda shrugged.

"Where's the Wish God?"

Ephermelda shrugged again.

Magic Man looked around. "Hello?" he called. "Wish God? I'm talking to you!... Are you here?" His voice faltered. "Do you even exist?"

Silence. Magic Man looked around. There was nothing up here but a few rocks and a lot of dirt. There was nowhere else to go. Slowly, he sat back down. Magic Man sat there for hours, waiting. Nothing changed.

Finally, Ephermelda said the thing he had refused to even think ever since he started this quest. "I guess... I guess sometimes fairy stories are just fairy stories."

Magic Man lay back down without another word.

* * *

He stayed there for a day and a half. Around dawn the next day Ephermelda went off somewhere and came back with some piles of food she'd scavenged, mostly nuts and berries and such. She set them down in front of Magic Man. He ate, but the food was gummy and tasteless, and it stuck in his throat.

"So," said Ephermelda around noon. "What were you going to wish for?"

"You guessed," said Magic Man. He didn't sound particularly interested.

"That you could split us apart at any time? Yeah. I guessed." She gave him a sad look. "What was it you wanted so badly?"

Magic Man sighed. "Margles."

"Oh." Somehow, that one word, the way he said it, communicated the whole story to Ephermelda. Wordlessly she got up, went over, and stood on Magic Man's shoulder, then rubbed his head gently.

For the first time in over 200 years, Magic Man was dealing with this. Because of his false hope, he had brought everything to the surface, under the impression that he would be spared the brunt of the impact. Now it was too late to cut himself off the way he did on Mars. His emotions were too real now. It hurt. It hurt more than he had ever imagined. But he was hurting for more than Margles now. He was hurting for the people of Mars, for his brothers, for the freaks of Freak City. For everything he had done when he had no heart.

For the first time in 200 years, he was whole again. And it hurt so much he wasn't sure he could survive it.

The next dawn, he sat up. Ephermelda had been waiting nearby, patiently and quietly. Now she looked up curiously.

"I have no idea what to do," said Magic Man.

Ephermelda waited for him to continue.

"My quest was bunk. It's over. I can't live the way I thought I would when it was done. But I can't go back to the way I lived before. I couldn't stand it. And I can't go back to the home I had before I came here in the first place, that bridge was burned to cinders. So... I'm stymied." He threw his palms up. "I've got this huge life ahead of me and no idea what to do."

"Well... I don't know about your whole life, but why don't you come to my wedding?" she offered. "That might be fun. Who knows? Maybe before it's all over you'll find what you want to do."

Magic Man didn't seem too keen on the idea.

"It sure beats sitting up here just waiting for death."

"That's for sure." Magic Man stood up and brushed the dirt off himself. "Let's blow this popsicle stand."


	18. Royal Wedding

Once again Princess Bubblegum was hard at work in her lab on the next great scientific innovation. Her two favorite heroes, Finn and Jake, were helping her out as they often did. This time, she had asked them to hold some cables that ran across the room. The plug was across the room from the window and the experiment needed sunlight, but the cable was only long enough if it didn't go slack- and if it did, the cord would come loose and the data would be useless.

As she was working, Peppermint Butler knocked on the door and let himself in. "Excuse me, your highness," he said. "A royal summons has arrived for you."

Princess Bubblegum pushed her work aside and took the envelope. "Thank you, Peppermint Butler."

"Yo, Pep But." Finn waved with one hand, holding the cable.

"Yo, Master Finn." Peppermint Butler excused himself.

Princess Bubblegum had already opened the envelope and seen the letter inside. "Oh, great." she groaned.

"What?" Finn moved along the cable to get closer to her without dropping it. Jake stretched his neck to look over her shoulder from across the room. "What's wrong, PB?"

Princess Bubblegum read aloud:

_King Alberich of the Fairy Kingdom_

_cordially invites you to attend_

_The Royal Wedding of_

_PRINCESS EPHERMELDA_

_and_

_PRINCE TINY_

_at Fairy Kingdom Castle_

_Ceremony at 1, reception to follow_

_We look forward to this show of friendship from the Candy Kingdom_

"When's the wedding?" asked Finn.

"Tomorrow," Jake said. He stretched his neck back.

"I can't leave my work now," said Princess Bubblegum. "It's at too critical a state. But if someone doesn't show up, the fairies will take it as an insult. We need to stay on good political ground if I want to keep getting fairy dust imported."

"Who else can go?" asked Finn.

Princess Bubblegum frowned. "It has to be someone important, and someone who can make a good impression. So... not like Cinnamon Bun." Then she smiled. "Why don't you two go?"

"What."

"Of course," Princess Bubblegum continued excitedly. "It's perfect! You'll show up as the two greatest heroes of the Candy Kingdom. If anyone asks you, you'll say you're the chosen representatives and that the Princess sends her regrets that she is unable to attend. Do you think you can do that?"

"I don't know..." Finn wasn't too jazzed about the idea of a royal wedding ceremony. Jake didn't seem excited either.

"You can bring Lady Rainicorn," Princess Bubblegum said to Jake. "And there will be free food."

"Okay, I'm sold." Jake slapped Finn's back. "How 'bout you, buddy?"

"Yeah, I guess. If Jakes' going"

"Thanks boys," said Princess Bubblegum. "You're a big help."

"That's what heroes do," said Finn. "Help peeps out when they need it."

* * *

Ephermelda came breezing into the kingdom with a smug, proud look on her face. She brought Magic Man with her, him again shrinking himself down to fairy height. The whole kingdom was abuzz with excitement. Royal Wedding Fever had gripped the public tightly. Streets were adorned with garlands, streamers, wreaths, and banners. Storefronts were dressed to the nines. The park surrounding the castle had been groomed and pruned to perfection. Not a blade of grass was out of place, nor a single dead leaf not disposed of. All for Ephermelda and her groom.

"You haven't even met him yet, you know," said Magic Man. "What if you don't like him?"

"I'll give it some time. If it doesn't work out, then I'll have a concubine on the side."

"I think you can only use that term for females."

"I think I don't care." Ephermelda flipped her ponytail. "Fairies aren't like you Martians. We don't marry who we love. We love who we marry. Especially royalty. Like me."

"Okay, whatever."

"I know. You're thinkin' about her."

"Yeah, maybe going to a wedding to nurse my heartache wasn't a great idea."

"Well, there will be snacks."

She led him to the castle forecourt, where her family was waiting: King Alberich and his other daughters, Esmeralda, Mirabella, Grizelda, Drusilla, and Eleanora. Right away the girls surrounded her, chattering excitedly about wedding preparations, flowers, dresses, and all sorts of other things. Magic Man quietly slipped away. She didn't notice, as they whisked her away to the wedding machine.

"Come, Ephermelda," King Alberich said. "It's time to meet your husband, Prince Tiny."

"I thought you said he wasn't royalty," Ephermelda said, annoyed.

"He wasn't- we coronated him recently for the wedding."

"Oh. That's okay then." Then she was gone.

Magic Man wandered through the park until he found a nice spot to sit down, a patch of grass by the river and under a tree. The whole place was just as pink as he remembered it. He didn't like pink, especially since green stood out so well against it. Magic Man stuck to grasslands because he liked to blend in. He wondered where his beggar blanket had gotten to, which part of his adventure he'd lost it on.

There was a harmonica lying under the tree, probably left over from some dainty dandy playing a wistful tune about the lady he was courting and how he could not stand being apart from her. He spat on the mouthpiece, rubbed it with his sleeve, and put his own mouth to it. He'd never played the harmonica before, but it wasn't rocket surgery and soon he began improvising a sad tune of his own.

Later in the day, just before the sun started setting, Ephermelda found him again. She'd followed the music all the way to the tree, and landed on his knee. "Hello," she said politely.

Magic Man acknowledged her without pausing his song.

"Would you like to meet my husband?"

"Not particularly." Somehow he spoke clearly while still blowing air into the instrument.

She stuck out her hip. "I don't mean to rub it in that I have someone and you don't," she explained. "But I was telling him all about my adventure, and he says he wants to see you."

Magic Man stopped playing, but he didn't move. He was signaling that he was willing to hear her out.

"Yeah," Ephermelda went on. "He actually says he might know you already, based on my descriptions, and he really needs to talk to you."

Magic Man tossed the harmonica aside. It hit a swan swimming by in the river. "Honk!"

Magic Man let Ephermelda lead him behind the castle to the sandstone Sacred Temple of Storms. It was a pyramid built in shelf layers, like the staircase of a great giant. The entrance was at ground level, though, requiring no climbing. The first room was large and open, lit with torches hanging from the stone walls, but this room was only a fraction of the temple's true size. It was a harsh yellow color, so many of the wedding decorations (the altar arch, the long asile carpet, the flowers, and the chair trims) were royal purple.

Standing at the later was the person Magic Man least expected to see, not only someone he never would have thought of for Ephermelda's husband but also someone he honestly thought he'd never see again:

Tiny Manticore.

Ephermelda threw her arms around Tiny Manticore's neck. "Isn't he just perfect?" Tiny Manticore was not tiny to the fairies or Magic Man right now. He was pretty much the same size as everyone else, except on all fours.

Magic Man waved a bit awkwardly. "Uh, hi... I bet you're really mad at me, huh?"

"Nay, Magic Man," said Tiny Manticore, with a dignified shake of his head. "In fact, I feel I must thank you. Through your cruelty, you exposed the many weaknesses of character that have plagued me my whole life. Were it not for my great resolve to strengthen them, I never would have traveled far and wide, eventually coming up on this beautiful kingdom. Because of this I was able to win the favor of King Alberich, and given the chance to marry his most beautiful daughter Ephermelda."

"Wow," said Magic Man. "Someone whose life actually improved because of me. Somebody circle the calendar!" he called to no one.

"Ephermelda has told me of your change of heart since last our paths crossed. As long as this is true, I bear no ill will against you." He held out his paw. "We good."

Magic Man fist-bumped Tiny Manticore.

"I wish you luck on your future endeavors," Tiny Manticore said.

"Yeah," said Magic Man. "Good luck with Ephermelda."

* * *

The next day was the day of the Royal Wedding. Fairies from the entire kingdom stood on and outside the castle grounds as invited guests filed smoothly into the Sacred Temple of Storms. Ephermelda's youngest sister, Eleanora, stood at the entrance to the kingdom so she could shrink down all the guests visiting from other lands. Every visitor shrank down to their average height in relation to other fairies. In this way Finn, for example, was not as tall as the adult men, but still taller than the youngest children. He could still ride Lady Rainicorn exactly as before, as Lady had also been shrunk down for the occasion.

"[I've never been to a royal wedding in another kingdom before,]" said Lady Rainicorn as they joined the long procession waiting to get in. She was the only one of the three dressed up, as she was wearing a dark gray blouse (gray being the nearly only thing that goes with every color simultaneously.) Finn was wearing his usual outfit; Jake was wearing his usual nothing.

"Are we almost there?" Finn was already bored with the slow-moving line.

Jake stretched his head up to get a look. "Yeah, we're near the doors." He put his head back right. "You'll never guess who's taking coats, though."

Finn shrugged. "I dunno. Tree Trunks?"

"Nope!"

They got to the entrance of the temple. "May I take your coats?" Magic Man asked.

"Magic Man," Finn said stiffly.

"Welcome to the royal wedding," said Magic Man.

"Thought you were on a quest."

"I was. It's done."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Magic Man gestured to Finn's sword. "I'm afraid the crown has requested all weapons to be checked at the door."

"You'd like that, huh?" Finn went on the defensive. "So's I can't cut you when you when you try to mess up the wedding!"

"You're holding up the line." Magic Man waved his hand and turned Finn's sword into a giant pencil.

"What? Hey!" Finn protested.

"Don't worry, the spell only works as long as you're in the temple."

Finn took a step back, crossing back through the doorway. The giant pencil turned back into a sword. He took a step forward. It turned into a pencil. "Oh. Right on."

"Now, are you with the bride or the groom?"

"Uh... we're here because Peebles wanted us to represent the Candy Kingdom."

"Ah. In that case, sit on the left, third row from the front."

"Hey," said Jake, "we'll need a seat by the wall. My girlfriend takes up a lot of space and I don't want anyone tripping on her."

"[Are you calling me fat?]" Lady Rainicorn asked with a cheeky grin.

"Nah, baby," said Jake. "You just got a long, beautiful booty, that's all." He gave it a slap. Lady giggled.

Magic Man waved the group on to take their seats for the wedding.


	19. Dungeon Crawl

The ceremony was short and sweet. Ephermelda and Tiny Manticore exchanged vows and the Fairy High Priestess pronounced them married. After that the reception hall of the temple was opened up for the after-wedding party. The reception hall was also enormous, but it was still only a fraction of the size of the temple as seen from the outside. This room was set up with chairs and tables circling a dance floor with a quartet of fairies playing music. The room was crowded and noisy. Ephermelda and Tiny Manticore danced in the center of the room.

Finn stood off to the side, watching the action. Jake danced with Lady, but when they took a break and sat out a song, Jake joined Finn for punch. "Having a good time?" Jake asked.

"I was just thinkin'," said Finn. "You know how this is the temple of that guy we fought? Well, I was thinking about how temples are a lot like dungeons. Maybe there's some serious adventure potential here. I'm gonna duck out and check it out. Wanna come?"

"Nah," said Jake. "I'm gonna stay here with the food. And Lady."

"Your loss." Finn started sliding casually along the edge of the wall as Jake went to find his girlfriend. He was making his way back to the front room to look for other paths into the temple, but he stopped when he noticed several tapestries on the walls. At several points in the room, large woven tapestries depicting abstract patterns were hung on the sandstone. Clearly they were decorations, but Finn had a hunch left over from his dungeon crawling in the past. He lifted up a corner of the heavy tapestry closest to him and saw that behind it there was an open entryway.

Finn leaned further to get a better look. Behind the tapestry was a long, narrow hallway lined with torches and dusted with cobwebs. At the very end of the hall was a wooden door. "Sweet." Finn slid behind the tapestry, smoothed it out, and started walking down the hallway. He kept his finely-tuned adventurer's ears alert for any sound of trouble.

About halfway down the hall, Finn felt something breathing down his neck. "Jake?" he said hesitantly. "Did you change your mind?"

"Not exactly."

"Magic Man!" Finn drew his pencil and spun around, planting his feet in a fighting stance. Magic Man, who was floating behind him, waved. "What are you doing here?" Finn demanded.

"I'm seeing what you're doing," said Magic Man. "Wandering away from the wedding reception like that."

"I wanna check out this temple. It looks like a world-class adventure."

"Mind if I tag along?" asked Magic Man.

"I guess." Finn shrugged. "Just don't be a jerk."

Magic Man gave an exaggerated bow. "It will be my greatest adventuring challenge to date."

Finn laughed just a little. "Okay. So, let's go." He held out his pencil. "But stay at least two strides behind me. It creeps me out when you breathe down my neck."

Magic Man lowered himself to the ground. He stuck his foot out until his toe touched Finn's, and then took a step backwards. "How's this?"

"... Good."

Finn turned around and continued on until he got to the end of the hallway. He put his hand on the doorknob, intending to open it, but Magic Man put his hand over Finn's and held it firm. "Uh-uh. No way. This door is trapped."

"How can you tell?"

"I got magic sense. I can sense magic. All fairy traps are made of magic."

"Can you disarm it?"

Magic Man flicked his wrist. "It's already done."

Finn opened the door to the next room. This one was a moderately sized open-air one with a curb running all around the perimeter and a stone door on the right wall. Four or five stone blocks, bigger than Finn, were placed around the room. On other parts of the ground, Finn saw some heavy buttons built into the ground. "Aw, man! Block puzzle. I hate these."

Magic Man jumped up onto the nearest block, landing in a crouch, and looked around the room. "So you've got to arrange it so that these blocks are holding down the buttons, and that will open the door?"

"Guess so," said Finn. He adjusted his pack and pencil, braced himself against the block Magic Man was sitting on, and pushed. Ever so slowly, the block moved across the floor.

"This will take us forever," said Magic Man.

"What do you mean 'us'?" Finn gave him a stink-eyed look.

Magic Man lay down on his back with his head over the edge, looking upside-down at Finn. "Hey, so, what do you think would make this easier? If the blocks were lighter, or if you were stronger?"

A bead of sweat ran down Finn's forehead and caught his eyelash. Finn wiped his brow and adjusted his arms. "Stronger, I guess," he said, and grunted.

Magic Man sat back up and threw his arms out. "Wazoo!"

Finn cried out in surprised as suddenly his two skinny arms became enormous, muscle-bound, and beefy. The block he pushed slid clear across the room like it was on ice. Magic Man was sitting on top, laughing all the way.

Finn looked at his arms. "Whoa, man, what'd you do?"

"Come on, do you want to be pushing blocks all day?

Finn flexed a bicep and laughed nervously. "Okay, man... but just for this puzzle."

He pushed a few more blocks around until they were all holding down the floor buttons. Magic Man stayed on top of the same block, watching Finn until the last button was down. The far door swung open. Magic Man put Finn's arms back the way they belonged. Finn hi-fived Magic Man. "That was pretty math."

"Algebreic," Magic Man agreed.

"How come I never saw you at wizard battle?" Finn asked.

Magic Man hopped down off the block and they headed for the door. "Don't be silly, Finn," he said. "Only wizards allowed."

"Wait, but aren't you...?"

"I'm just a magic man," said Magic Man. "A wizard is a completely different thing."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

They looked through the doorway. It was dark in the room, and neither of them could make anything out.

"Can you give us a little light?" asked Finn.

"No problem." Magic Man magicked up a bright glowing ball of light and tossed it underhand into the center of the room. It shined a visible aura into every corner of the room, revealing that it was empty except for a door on the opposite wall: and six angry Bear-Bugs crawling around the floor.

Bear-Bugs are notoriously nasty little creatures. Normally they're not a bother to someone Finn's size, but that only counts when Finn is his normal size. Bear-Bugs look like brown bears with six legs, roach-wings, antennae, and nasty proboscises. Finn jumped back and drew his sword before he remembered it was a pencil now.

"Magic shield!" When the Bear-Bugs buzzed towards them, they bounced off a magical barrier Magic Man put up between them and him.

"Aw, man," Finn said. "I forgot that I couldn't slay monsters! These guys are here to guard Louragan- if I slay them it'll cause all kinds of problems."

"Not a problem," said Magic Man. He put his arm against Finn and eased his back to the wall. Then he began to sidestep along the wall, nudging Finn to go too. "That's it, nice and easy, don't make eye contact. That's the way."

"I hope I do come across some of these things that I can slay sometime," said Finn. "They look awesome."

"I bet they are." They edged around the corner, the Bear-Bugs now buzzing up to and along the shield. Try as they might, they couldn't pass around it. They seemed annoyed, but not as angry as they were initially. Apparently Bear-Bugs bore easily, and by the time Finn and Magic Man made it to the other door, the Bear-Bugs had lost all interest.

Finn grabbed the door and opened it a crack, then all the way. "Come on!" he hissed. He grabbed Magic Man's sleeve and pulled him in the door, slamming the door shut behind them. The Bear-Bugs buzzed around the door, but lacking thumbs they couldn't open it to follow.

"Whew." Finn turned around to look at this room. It was small, much smaller than all the others.. It had only one torch, illuminating the opposite wall. This wall had a verse engraved across much of it's surface in flowing script, and under that a row of four white buttons. Following the words with his fingers, Finn read aloud:

_"Four men standing in a row  
Third from the left and down you go  
The rest, in order, move you on  
The youngest, oldest, and second son."_

"Better be careful," Magic Man warned. He pointed to a seam in the floor running across the length of the room. "This whole floor is a trap door. If you solve the puzzle wrong, you'll get turned into floor goo."

"What about you?"

Magic Man lifted himself off the ground and did a flip. "Well, I can float."

"Huh. So I'd better solve this thing up right." Finn examined it carefully. He was quiet for a few minutes as he let it all sink in. Finally he began to speak the answer through. "Third from the left..." he pointed to the left button and counted one, two, three. "So if the floor is a trap door, pushing this one will open it. Now we gotta push the rest of the buttons in order. Youngest, oldest... well, you read left to right, so if they're lined up in the order that they would have been written..." He pushed the button on the right. "This guy's the youngest." He pushed the left button. "He's the oldest..." Finn pushed the button next to that one. "And this one's the second."

The room began to tremble violently. The riddle wall slowly began moving up, stone grinding against stone until it had ascended into the ceiling. When the dust cleared, Finn and Magic Man were standing in the vestibule of an indoor arena. The sides had stadium seating all the way from the ground to the ceiling. There, in the center, on a grand pedestal, was the very jar Finn had used to trap Louragan.

Finn went up to the jar for a closer look. "Huh." He tapped the jar gently. "Hey, Lorgy. You in there?"

Magic Man was walking slowly through the room looking around. "Wow. Must be a big deal when they come to let him out."

"Well, all I wanted was to see the end of the dungeon," said Finn. "I'm done." He glanced over to Magic Man. "Thanks for coming. You're not so bad after all." Finn turned to leave.

His backpack hit the jar.

The jar fell to the ground and shattered.

The pressure in the room changed as a torrential storm exploded from the shards. **Free! I'm free! Wa ha ha ha ha!** Louragan knocked Finn down with his storm strength. He barreled out of the room, bringing the hurricane with him. He was so excited he forgot to kill Finn, or even notice what let him out. In a moment, the room was silent.

"Oh, glob," Finn breathed.

A dull roar drifted along the air, growing louder. It was a mob of angry fairies approaching. Magic Man held out his arm and helped Finn up just as the entire royal guard burst through a dozen doors just as hidden as the one Finn used was.

"Who freed Louragan?" demanded the Captain of the Guard. "Who is responsible for releasing the King of the Storms?"

Finn was panicking. "It wasn't- I didn't- it was an acc-"

He was cut off when Magic Man roughly grabbed Finn's bear hat and shoved it over his eyes, then threw Finn to the ground. "I told you you couldn't stop me, hero," he said gleefully. "Louragan is already free!"

"Magic Man! What are you-"

Magic Man cut him off with a laugh. "Don't you get it? I won! I out-brained you! Do you see? Now you all see what a jerk I am!"

Several fairies, swords out, rushed Magic Man. He put up a token struggle, then rolled over and let them overpower him. "The penalty for releasing Louragan is execution."

"Make my day!"

"Execution?" Finn said, though no one heard him. "But I can't-"

"Be a hero in jail," Magic Man finished Finn's sentence for him. "Don't worry about this; worry about that."

"Finn!" The crowd parted for King Alberich. "Can we count on you to capture Louragan a second time?"

Finn looked from Magic Man to the broken jar to the King.

"You will be greatly rewarded for your service. Anything you want that we can give! Please, be a hero for us again!"

Finn took a deep steadying breath. "You can count on me," said Finn.

"Go! There's not a minute to lose!" King Alberich waved him on. "We'll worry about this monster." He jabbed Magic Man.

"Can't you go easy on him?" Finn asked nervously.

"Easy on him?" King Alberich scoffed. "I think not! Not only did he commit the worst crime in the kingdom- freeing Louragan- but he trespassed on sacred ground- which is the second worst crime in the kingdom! I mean, who does that? So no. We have no reason to 'go easy' on him."

Finn gulped. "Uh... okay... I'll just... go take care of Louragan, then." He looked at Magic Man again, then turned and bolted out of the temple.

* * *

_The riddle Finn solves is taken directly from the computer adventure game "King's Quest VI: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow," published in 1992 by Sierra Entertainment. It is possibly one of the greatest point-and-click adventure games ever made. The puzzle in question is a form of copy-protection. The riddle appears in the manual rather than the game directly, and is the fourth such puzzle solved while scaling the Cliffs of Logic._

_The block puzzle is, of course, a staple of Zelda games and all their dungeon puzzles._


	20. The Twentieth Chapter

Finn brought Jake up to speed as they ran after the storm, Jake in his giant form and Finn riding on his back.

"Wait, let me get this straight," Jake said with disbelief. "You trespassed on sacred ground and freed that storm guy we caught a while ago? And Magic Man voluntarily took the fall?"

Finn clutched his head. "I don't know, it just all went wrong!"

"Dude, what are you worried about? They already think Magic Man did it. They're not gonna go after you now."

"What?" Finn was aghast. "I can't let someone else take the fall for what I did! That's as unheroic as you can get!"

"So you wanna get executed?"

"No! Of course not!" Finn said quickly. "That's why we're waiting until I get back. Because maybe they'll go easy on me if I fix it before anything really bad happens."

Jake shrugged. "Okay, I'm just saying. It's not like anyone important is on the line."

"No, man. I don't wanna think that way."

From behind them, a tiny voice called out, "Excuse me! Wait please!"

Finn and Jake looked over their shoulders. A small fairy man, dressed in the uniform and armor of the Fairy Royal Guard, was chasing after them. "Please... heroes," he gasped, out of breath. "King Alberich... sent me... to assist you." He bowed. "I'm Cyril, an officer of the king's royal guard."

"Cool," said Finn. "Come on. We're catching up to Louragan."

Cyril sat down on Jake's back. He bunched up a big lump of Jake for a cushy seat.

"We need a plan, though," said Finn. "We don't have a sacred jar."

"I have an idea, but it's risky," said Cyril.

"Okay, cool. What is it?"

"I can't tell you," Cyril explained. "He can read minds. The less of us who know the plan, the safer it is."

"Oh, right. So how will we know what to do?"

Cyril cupped his hands together and released a tiny, glowing ball that hovered above Jake's head. "You need to herd him like a sheepdog towards that ball. Even if he knows you're doing that, he can still be herded if you try real hard."

"Can do," said Jake.

The ball dangled in front of Jake's nose as he ran, constantly in front of his face.

"What about me?" Finn held up his sword. "Would it mess up your plan if I tried to whack him with this?"

"No, that's perfect. He frikkin' hates that."

In the short time he had been free, Louragan had covered a great distance and left a swath of destruction in his wake. Grass had been flattened, branches knocked out of trees, windows blown out of buildings, and all manner of hurricane damage littered the land. He seemed to be heading north, curving west. "We can't let it get to the Candy Kingdom," said Finn.

"We won't, bro," said Jake.

As they ran along, the clouds overhead grew thick and gray. It started to drizzle, and then to rain. The rain didn't get as fiercely strong as before, when the large drops actually stung when they landed on bare skin, but the rain was getting pretty thick. Soon enough Finn could see the bubble that was Louragan, sitting on a low storm cloud as his hurricane leveled some saplings planted in the grass.

"Ready?" Cyril asked.

"Ready," said Finn and Jake.

Louragan knew they were coming.** Ah, if it isn't Fin and Take.**

"What? No, dude, I'm Jake." Jake looked confused.

**Sorry I forgot to kill you back at my temple**, said Louragan with sincere politeness. **But it looks like I won't have to pay for that mistake anyway.**

"How do you mean?" Finn demanded.

**Easy. If you bring me back to the Fairy Kingdom, I'll tell them what really happened. I'm sure they'll be very interested in learning what their so-called hero did.**

"It was an accident!"

**That won't matter to the fairies. You shouldn't have been in my lair to begin with.**

"It's their own fault for having the wedding somewhere so cool and mysterious!" said Jake. He lunged to the side where Louragan was heading. Finn drew his sword as he jumped off Jake's back.

**Herding me won't work,** said Louragan. **I'm not a sheep.**

Jake darted into Louragan's path, cutting him off. "_Ouf! Ouf! Ouf!_" he barked.

Louragan backed towards the ball. **Fine! It's your funeral, hero!**

"No, it's not," said Cyril, flying above Finn. "Everything will be fine!"

"What?" Finn was shocked. "Did you hear-"

"Nothing you did could be as bad as returning Louragan is good. Not even releasing him in the first place."

Finn laughed nervously. "Uh, about that..."

**Oh**! Louragan sounded pleased as they forced him further north. **So you're the one with the plan. You're trying to lure me to the town beside the sea where we can wander- oh, stop singing that cursed song! Gah! It's driving me crazy**! Louragan clutched his head.

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Finn looked down at Jake. "Sing an annoying song really loud in your head."

"Can do!" Jake pondered a moment, and then began to think: _Bacon pancakes, makin' bacon pancakes/take some bacon and I'll put it in a pancake..._

Finn internally sang the most annoying song he could think of: _Three baby spiders, three bitty baby spiders/were playing in the sun/the rain came down and it was no fun._

Louragan staggered to the side and began to run away. **For the love of High Priestess Trinity, I beg you to stop singing!**

"Keep cutting him off!" Cyril shouted to Jake. "We're almost there!"

**Almost where? You thought it! We're going to a cliff under a tree bacon pancakes that's what it's gonna make he grew up very tall and he lived inside a wall sometimes the sun- oh, please, make it stop!** Louragan shrieked in agony.

Cyril's magic ball darted northeast, and Finn and Jake saw that it was leading him away from the Candy Kingdom, although it was still going north, away from the entrance to the Fairy Kingdom. The closer they got to the Ice King's lair, the chillier it got; the ground was soon covered in a thin layer of snow, then a thicker one. Louragan's hurricane slowly became a blizzard. Finn didn't think about how long it had taken them to get this far. Neither he nor his companions nor Louragan seemed to be getting tired at all.

By the time they had gotten into the Ice Kingdom proper, Ice King figured out that they were there. He came flying down at them from his mountain ice cave, hands glowing with ice magic. "Hey, whoa, hold up! You can't bring that thing into my kingdom!"

"Ice King!" Jake shouted. "You need to sing us one of your songs. They're so perfect for right now!"

Ice King lowered his hands. "Huh? Hey, what's this about? Why do you want to hear my songs all of a sudden? I'm suspicious."

"Do you want to sing or not?"

Ice King started singing, "Slime Princess, you're all right... Wildberry Princess, you're okay..."

"Perfect!"

Louragan turned and lashed out at Ice King. **Not another one!** he snarled. His snow had turned to sleet. The thousands of water droplets that formed his body were freezing solid. His movements grew jerky and stiff. Finally, he landed a blow on the Ice King; a single, light tap.

"Ow," said Ice King "That hurt, kinda. Well, not really. Don't touch me."

**Ah.** Louragan was frozen solid. He twitched a bit, but couldn't move. **Cold weather freezes water... it's all coming back to me. I haven't seen cold weather in two thousand years.** He sounded apologetic. **Is there any chance you could keep this between us?**

"No. Way." Finn put away his sword. "It's _just_ that funny. Now, how do I get him back to the Fairy Kingdom?"

"It doesn't matter now," said Cyril. "As long as he's here in the cold, he's completely neutralized. Tell the fairies where he is, and they'll know what to do."

"Yeah. I gotta get back fast," said Finn.

Ice King tapped Louragan. "Whoa, what is this thing?"

"Ice King, don't touch that!"

Ice King pulled his hands back. "I wasn't touching it!"

"I'll stay here and set up some magic barriers," said Cyril. "You go back to King Alberich."

"Come on, Jake," said Finn.

"I'm gonna make sure Ice King goes back home first," said Jake.

"What, I wasn't gonna do anything!" Ice King said defensively.

"Yeah, yeah." Jake grabbed Ice King's arms behind his back and nudged him forward. "Let's go."

Finn took off running.

"Wow," he thought out loud. "We ran a lot further than I realized." Jake, in his increased size, had chased Louragan clear across the grasslands in a surprisingly short amount of time. On his own, Finn wasn't sure he could make it back to the Fairy Kingdom anytime soon. Still, he had to try. There was still a chance to fix this.

Finn was running so fast he didn't see what he collided with until he was flat on his back looking at the sky. "Oh, excuse me," said four voices.

Finn sat up. "Magic Man's brother!" he shouted. He was looking right at Grob Gob Glob Grod.

"Oh!" Grob Gob Glob Grod looked surprised. "You're the human boy, the one who followed the dog to Mars."

"I'm in a hurry," said Finn, scrambling to his feet. Grob Gob Glob Grod helped him up. "Magic Man's in trouble."

"I'm not surprised," said Grob Gob Glob Grod. "I will be sure to add it to the very long list-"

"No, it's not that!" Finn said desperately. "He took the fall for something I did!"

Grob Gob Glob Grod looked down at Finn. "You mean you stood by while a not-guilty-this-particular-instance-man was punished for your crimes?"

Finn shook his head. "Not exactly- well, yeah, kinda. I mean- okay, I donked up huge time! And he said I needed to undo the damage I did- look, I don't have time to explain! We need to get to the Fairy Kingdom!"

"Climb on my back, child," said Grob Gob Glob Grod. "You can explain on the way."

"Uh..." Finn looked at Grob Gob Glob Grod's body. "Which side is..."

Grob Gob Glob Grod held their arms straight out. "Does this help?"

Finn jumped on Grob Gob Glob Grod on the side opposite where their arms were sticking out and wrapped his arms around their chest. Grob Gob Glob Grod hooked their arms around Finn's legs to keep him in place. "Hold tight," they said.

Finn felt his stomach plunge as Grob Gob Glob Grod took off across the prairie, holding tight and realizing that though they were going absurdly fast, it might not be fast enough. He explained, as best he could, everything that had happened in the temple, even how Magic Man had followed him and how they'd had a lot of fun solving the back-door puzzles.

"I just don't believe it," said Grob Gob Glob Grod. "After all these centuries, why has he finally done something in the interest of someone else?"

Finn shrugged. "I dunno, man. He wasn't like this before- well, he kinda was. After he came back from Mars. He wasn't like this, but he wasn't like that. You know?"

"I think I understand."

As they approached the portal to the Fairy Kingdom, Grob Gob Glob Grod began to shrink themselves and Finn so that by the time they crossed the threshold, they were both fairy-sized. Grob Gob Glob Grod slowed down only marginally so that they could steer through the city. They put on the brakes right when it was time to land on the front steps of the Sacred Temple of Storms.

Finn jumped off Grob Gob Glob Grod's back and ran through the front doors. King Alberich was standing just off to the side of the entrance, talking quietly with several of his guards. As soon as he saw Finn, and Grob Gob Glob Grod behind him, he stopped talking and waved the guards away. "You're back quickly," said King Alberich. "I hope everything went well."

"He's frozen," Finn said. "We tricked him into going to the Ice Kingdom and he's frozen solid. I need, like, a jar to put him in or something. But he can't do nothin' right now."

"Wonderful. I'll get our court wizards enchanting a new sacred jar immediately." He turned around. "Roscoe, would you deliver that message?"

"Now what about Magic Man?" Finn asked desparately.

"Don't worry, Finn," said King Alberich. "He's been taken care of."

"You mean-"

"Execution by beheading. And cremation of the remains, since he's a magic man and all. You can't be too careful."

Finn muttered an excuse under his breath as his face turned pale. He pushed past Grob Gob Glob Grod and stepped outside the temple. Glob watched him, leaving Grob facing the king. "I... I see," he said.

"You don't look well."

"He was our brother," explained Grob.

King Alberich looked quite distraught by the news. "Oh. Oh, my. I am so dreadfully sorry you had to find out this way. Please... I-"

"No," said Grob Gob Glob Grod. "Believe me. He had it coming." Then Grob Gob Glob Grod turned around and went after Finn.

Finn was crouched on the edge of the front steps of the castle, leaning over one of the gaudy pink bushes that lined the path as he wiped his mouth. Clearly he had just thrown up.

"Are you okay?" asked Grod.

"Yeah," said Finn as he rubbed his stomach. "Yeah... but you, man. Are you okay? That was your brother."

"I think so," said Grob Gob Glob Grod.

"It may be hard to understand," said Gob, "but we're actually relieved, in a way."

"That's right," said Grod, turning their head around. "We've already lost him, from the brother we loved to the man he'd become."

"This time," Grob continued, "at least there's closure. No more what-if's for the future. It's over."

"And if what you say is true," said Glob, "then our greatest wish has come true: Magic Man has finally, finally learned to care about other people again."

"So we feel confident in saying that he is finally with his Margles once again," said Gob.

"We will not tell anyone what you told us," added Glob. "If Magic Man's final wish was to save you from the punishment of the fairy kingdom, we see fit to honor that. Please live your life well."

Just then one of the Royal Guard exited the temple, holding in front of him what seemed to be a small urn. One of Grob Gob Glob Grod had to look at it, and that was Grob. The guard caught Grob's eye, and looked away quickly as he flew off towards the castle.

"We must go now," said Grob in a choked voice. He turned to Finn, and Finn saw his eyes slightly watered.

"We're not coming back," said Grob Gob Glob Grod, before taking off into the sky through dimensions, back to Mars where they came from.

Finn stood there on the temple steps, wondering if the gut-punched feeling he had would go away anytime soon. Also he wondered if anybody was going to fix his size when he left.

* * *

At precisely three in the morning, Ephermelda gathered up the backpack and fluttered out of her room in the castle, leaving her new husband behind asleep. She went straight to the rendezvous point just outside the entrance to the Fairy Kingdom. Cyril was there waiting for her.

"I wish you didn't have to do this," said Ephermelda.

"Did you get my stuff?"

She tossed him his pack. "Everything's in there. You don't have to check."

Cyril opened the bag and began to paw through it anyway. "Did everything go okay?"

"Exactly the way you said it would go. There was only one 'hitch' today and it weren't anywhere near the plan."

"Good." He slung the pack onto his back. "I gotta go now. Far away. So... we're splitsville."

"I wondered what took you so long."

Ephermelda was quite surprised when he just suddenly reached out and hugged her. It took her a moment to remember to hug him back. "Thanks for everything," he said.

"Uh... yeah. Anytime. It was a blast." She patted his back. "I'll miss you. If I'm ever in your neighborhood, I'll look you up."

"Don't go near my neighborhood," he said. "It's awful there." He broke the hug. "Be good, now, Mrs. Manticore."

"_You're_ telling _me_ to be good." She raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. Okay. I will if you will."

"That's a promise. I'll miss you, too." With that, he turned and took off. She watched him go, a dim silhouette in the moonlight. Though he got further and further away his shape didn't get any smaller, although it did change a bit.

Ephermelda leaned back against the nearest tree, hands wringing her ponytail. "Take care, Magic Man," she said to herself. Then she turned and went back through the portal to her new life.


	21. Home

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER

Finn was whistling tunelessly and strolling through the woods near the tree house. Jake and Lady Rainicorn were living together to take care of the puppies, so Finn was doing some solo-adventuring and having Finn-time. So far he had helped an antlion dig a better pit to trap his food, slayed a tiny beast that was attacking Tiny Kingdom, and explored a one-room dungeon under the Tree of Mystery. Being a hero was a lot of fun.

Finn passed a shape on the ground that he just thought was a pile of dirt until then it began to twitch and writhe oddly. "Food for a beggar?" it asked in a weak, husky voice. "Food for a poor old man?"

His heart always good, no matter what his actions brought him in the past, Finn took off his pack and started pawing through it without a second thought. "I know I have some trail mix in here..." he said. The beggar peered out from under his blanket and watched as Finn produced the snack. He snatched it from Finn before Finn could even hold it out and pulled it under his blanket. The beggar chomped it up noisily. Finn watched, surprised at how moist eating something so dry could sound.

When he was done, the baggie popped out from a hole in the blanket. With trail mix crumbs still sticking to his gums and making his voice sound sticky, the beggar said, "You know... believe it or not, I'm not really a beggar. I'm actually a..."

Finn's eyes widened as the beggar threw aside his blanket to reveal the familiar form of "Magic Maaaan~!"

"Magic Man!" Fin cried. "Wh- how did you get here? You're supposed to be dead!"

Magic Man whistled and held out his hand. A small blue bird fluttered down and perched alight on his finger. "Magic..." Magic Man waved his hand and the bird transformed. It's feathers and skin peeled away to reveal underneath not bones and organs, but a beautiful bird of paradise. "Away!" Magic Man gave the signal and the bird flew off into the sun.

"How did you escape the fairies? They said you were executed for sure!"

"Oh, that wasn't me," said Magic Man. "That's why I've been lying low." He sat down on the ground, propped against one arm, the other arm resting on a bent knee. "They left me in a cell for a few minutes. There was enough dirt on the ground for a to make a copy of myself, then I turned myself into a guard. Ephermelda stuck around behind to use her magic to move it around like a puppet. They bought it! They totally thought it was me!" He snickered at the thought of it.

"Wait- a guard? … You were that fairy that came with me!"

"Cyril," said Magic Man. "That was me."

Finn was almost dizzy with relief at hearing this. His smile was just getting bigger. "Oh, man, you should have told me you could do that. I was all spazzed out over nothing!"

"Well, I didn't know I could. Actually, I didn't have any idea what I was going to do until I was already doing it. I had to improvise, you know. I never made a copy of me out of nothing and I didn't think they'd buy it. Eph's a puppetering wizard, though. I had no idea. On the other side, it was pretty easy to disappear myself once he was- cough cough- executed. Now nobody's after me and I can live my life the way I want it."

"Oh." Finn sat down next to him. "So... when you took the fall instead of me, you weren't sure you could get out?"

"Guess not," said Magic Man.

"Huh." Fin looked at him curiously. "That kind of makes you a hero, dude."

"No, it doesn't," Magic Man said quickly.

Finn gave him a friendly punch in the arm. "No, dude. Taking someone else's place for execution is totally hard-core heroing."

"Nah, I can explain to you how that means I'm still a jerk. I mean, if you have the time. Which you don't."

"Sure dude." Finn crossed his legs and leaned back. He and Magic Man both looked up at the sky, a clear blue dotted with only a few small clouds. Apart from the wind and the distant birdsong, it was quiet.

"So," Finn said after a time, "did you go tell your brothers you're not dead?"

"No. Why would I?"

"Dude, 'cuz they miss you."

Magic Man looked at Finn like he had crazy on his face. "What are you talking about?"

"They were here looking for you, man."

"Yeah, I know- to send my scatterbits on a cosmic journey."

"Not if you turned out to be a good guy. They're totes on your side on this one."

"I'm so sure."

"No, really," Finn urged. "Your bros miss you. One of them actually cried."

"... Really?"

"Yeah."

Magic Man's face was pretty much unreadable, but Finn thought he might be getting through to him. He continued: "They said that since you cared enough about me to help me out, that their greatest wish had come true."

Magic Man hugged his knees to his chest. "After you turn enough people into body parts and sic enough shadows on people, you kind of lose your right to ever be referred to as a hero."

"Nah, man. All you need to be a hero is to have a righteous heart. And you got one now. It wasn't always righteous, but now? It's pumping righteous blood all throughout your bod."

Magic Man looked sidelong at Finn. "You really think my heart is righteous?"

"Totally. Dude, I was not on your side when we tossed you in the candy dungeon. But you wanna know something? Even after everything I saw then, and in the temple, if I still wasn't on your side, I can't have any more doubt. You wanna know why that is?"

"Why that is?"

"Because the first time I ever saw you, you turned a bird inside out. Jake still has nightmares about that. This time, you showed off by turning a bird into an even more awesome bird."

Magic Man stopped and thought, for the first time, that however much he had been missing his brothers lately, they might just have been missing him the same way for centuries.

"Bros should always be there for bros," Finn continued. "Even if one of them messed up, that doesn't mean he still doesn't love his brother."

_I'm the one who messed up,_ thought Magic Man. But maybe... they feel that they messed up, too.

Magic Man stood up. "You're right," he said as he brushed the dirt off the seat of his pants. "You're a smart kid, Finn the Human."

"Where are you going?"

"Mars."

"Oh. Good luck," said Finn.

"Wazoo!" Magic Man rocketed off into the air and disappeared in a burst of confetti. Finn laughed out loud when he saw Magic Man's message was still the same: EAT IT!

* * *

Magic Man had been home several times since he came home from Mars, and it was just as run-down and dilapidated as ever. He hadn't gone back in the basement, though. The wall was closed again so he wouldn't have to look at it. He would just sit in the upper room, making dirt angels or shaping magic clay into tiny people or whatever. Like before, he preferred to spend his time out in the world instead of shut up inside.

Since he had his magic working fully, he could open his secret door without breaking all his fingers. He did that, and the wall opened up to reveal his dirt basement. "Cannonball!" He jumped, holding his knees to his chest, and landed in the soft dirt below.

There it was: his special thing. The Martian transporter he now knew was in perfect working order, and had always been.

_When Finn saw the Martian transporter for the first time, he was impressed. His eyes were wide as he said with awe, "This can take me to Mars?"_

_"Yeah." Magic Man, in Jake's body, was just sitting half in the dirt, watching Finn. He squirmed himself out as he continued."My brothers gave it to me when they banished me to Earth. They thought I would learn love and use it to go back home."_

_Finn climbed onto the transporter. "How do I do it?"_

_Magic Man was more interested in performing a headstand in the dirt than listening to Finn try and work out the transporter. He didn't even really mind when he sank headfirst into the dirt because of the way his weight was distributed. He just popped right back out and said, "You just put your hands on those thingies and think stuff about people." Magic Man shrugged. "But it's broken," he said a bit wistfully. "Hasn't worked in two hundred years."_

_Finn sounded absolutely crushed upon hearing this. "But it has to work! It has to..." Finn closed his eyes. "For Jake."_

_The transporter lit up beneath him and started to glow. All at once Finn was surrounded by a brilliant energy as the Martian transporter slowly lifted itself out of the dirt. Magic Man's eyes widened. "Huh-duh?!" The energy beam from the transporter shot straight up through the ceiling, bringing Finn along with it to Mars._

_Magic Man was alone in his house for quite a while after that, feeling a bit resentful he hadn't realized that, after all this time, it wasn't the machine that was broken; it was him._

Magic Man put his hands on the handles of the transporter and began to think stuff about people.

Ephermelda, and how much fun to be around she had always been.  
Margles, and how very much with him she was even now.  
Grob Gob Glob Grod, who had put up with a lot from Magic Man over the years and deserved a brother who would be better.  
Finn, who was a hero worth saving.  
Jake, who really was a good sport about the wrongful arrest Magic Man had put on him.  
Tiny Manticore, who had every right to hate Magic Man and yet didn't let that resentment cloud him up inside.  
Louragan, who was an emotionless force of nature and yet when it came right down to it, wasn't a jerk for the sake of being a jerk.  
Gwydion, the snail wizard, who introduced Magic Man to Ephermelda as a form of revenge and who was probably dead right now.  
People like Ice King, the Witch, and the Earl of Lemongrab, who were frustrated and lashed out because they were lonely.  
The Duke of Nuts, who never had a contrary thought towards anyone in his entire life.  
Marceline and her cynical yet playful attitude towards life in spite of everything.

The transporter began to glow around him.

* * *

There it was. The home that Magic Man's brothers lived in, with the basement they'd allowed him to crash in. It hadn't changed at all in two hundred years. He knew, even without opening the doors or looking in a window, that Grob Gob Glob Grod still lived there. There was a presence, an essence all around it he could sense in his very soul.

Magic Man stood in front of it, the length of the dusty red clay yard between them. He wished Ephermeld were here, or someone to fall back on. Someone to encourage him forward, or else he might just turn around and go back to Earth.

No. Don't think. Just do.

His legs started carrying him forward, without permission from his panicking consciousness. But there was the door. And now it was opening. Wait, is that my hand on the knob?

There was Grob Gob Glob Grod, sitting in the front room and meditating. All four sets of eyes were closed, but when the door opened, the two faces that could see the door each opened one eye. As soon as they saw Magic Man, the other eyes opened. Their head rotated around as all four brothers got a look at a sight they never thought they'd see again: Their brother, standing in the doorway to their shared home, and smiling.

"I'm home," he said.

Grob Gob Glob Grod stood up and opened their arms. "Welcome back, Magic Man."


End file.
